Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Memorial Day Weekend & Where I Am Now...

Our Memorial Day Weekend in review:
* Working from home with B by my side on Friday * Husband jean shopping.  Not fun.  He's picky. *  Green smoothie breakfasts * Thank goodness for year-round caramel apple spice.  Take that, no-caffeine rule! * Brunch at our wedding venue/Memorial Service for a dear family friend * 5 mile walk on a pretty bike trail * Birthday present for my little boyfriend, aka my three year old nephew, whom I adore * My little family * My sweet, sweet Belle (who does not look happy in this picture, ha!) *

All weekend I was thinking about my little blog.  I've felt so disconnected from it lately.  I've been suffering through horrible writer's block and I just feel stuck.  Stuck, stuck, stuck.  My blog is about my infertility.  Infertility has become my life.  I've openly admitted before, that I struggle with trying not to allow my infertility to overcome every other aspect of my life.  The truth is, though, that I fail at this pretty much every single day.  Blogging about my infertility has always been a good outlet for me... A place to come to bare my heart and soul and my raw thoughts and emotions.  But that's just the thing... Lately I've felt like what else can I possibly say?  How many more times can I write about how sad I am?  How depressed I feel?  How I had to leave a wedding early because a friend announced her pregnancy?  Or, how I cried myself to sleep at night thinking about the unfairness of my struggle with infertility?  It's all been said.  I'm still sad.  I still feel depressed.  I still feel like I won't be able to make it through any sort of social function.  And I still cry myself to sleep, many nights, because this is so unfair.

I know I don't want to stop blogging.  I just know that right now, I don't know what to say.  I feel a bit empty.  So, my posts may continue to be a bit sparse.  Maybe (hopefully) I'll have more to say as my cycles with CCRM continue to progress?  Right now, with not a whole heck of a lot going on, I feel a little blah... I don't have a lot of updates - except that my estrogen and testosterone meds officially kicked my butt this weekend.  I suffered my first (and second, and third) hormone-induced meltdown this weekend (hence the need to take a five mile walk to clear my head and to complain the whole time about how much I hate infertility.  My poor husband.).  It wasn't pretty.  I'll just leave it at that.

I'm only 6 1/2 days in to my testosterone priming cycle and I'm ready for it to be over.  I want to stim.  I want to fly to Denver.  I want to figure out if retrieval will interfere with my new job training.  I want to get the show on the road.  Most of all, I just want to become a mom.  And even more than that, I want to know how I will become one...

24 comments:

Amanda said...

I totally get how you feel Aubrey... I remember finishing my third IUI cycle... it failed. I wrote about how that sucked, how sad I was, how I hated that I'd been dealt this crappy card. But after a few posts like that, what's left to say? It took me a while to find a rythem to blogging again when I wasn't actively cycling. And sometimes, I still feel that way. I'm not good about blogging about light-hearted, care-free, "this is what I did this weekend" or "what do you think about this nail polish?" kind of stuff. I mean I READ IT when other people write about it, but I always think no one cares when I'm searching for a topic.

I say give yourself a break... blog when you feel like it, blog when you need some "you got this" and some "we love you", but don't feel pressure to blog. And I agree, starting up with CCRM should give you lots to talk about! I know there are several ladies following right behind you... shoot the whole infertility world wants to know the inside scoop on CCRM... give 'em the goods!

Erika said...

I agree with Amanda (shocking)-- don't let blogging pile undue pressure on you, too. You're under enough stress! Blog when you want to...don't when you don't. We all understand the cycles of wanting to blog and not wanting to...just embrace whatever blog-season you're in and do what you can. And try hard to focus on what's truly important: the new season of the Bachelorette. ;)

Ashley said...

I think with blogging for me that is, I use it as an outlet to document the small things going right in my life. I know your blog is infertility infertility, and rightfully so! It's big and it's a constant, but you are living amongst it whether happy or unhappy. Do some outfit posts, or some crafting, something to take your mind off of it. I agree with Amanda as well, don't let blogging be something you dread. But at the same time don't think that we are all only reading because of your infertility! (I don't mean for that to sound insensitive). We are reading because this is your life and how you are handling it! :)

Sally said...

I agree with Erika....blog whenever you want......and focus on The Bachelorette :)) Love reading about whatever you are up to :)) Love your weekend pics. Thinking of you, friend! xo

Laura said...

I know how you feel on the blog thing, my blog and I have had that same relationship lately too. It's hard to write when you're just in that ridiculously long waiting period where nothing new is really going on.

I'm sorry the meds are getting to you, these drugs really can get the best of us sometimes. Also, I'm always sorry to hear you're sad, though it's understandable. Keep you head up, you'll be on the road in no time!

XOXO

Brenda said...

This post sums up the last couple years for me. Stuck. Yuck. It is so frustrating and hard to put into words, but just know that in those worst of the worst moments when all that's left are tears, you're not alone. We're all right alongside you hoping and praying that tears of joy will replace the sadness. Until then, those 5 mile walks are essential (I read that part to my husband and he just nodded his head.)

the blogivers said...

This is one of those posts where I read it, then want so badly to say the perfect thing to encourage you, but can't think of the right words, so I save it to come back to later. But it's later now, and I still don't have the words... so I'll just remind you that I'm praying for you often, my friend.

kharini said...

They days will go by and it's going to get very exciting soon. Hang in there!

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry... I just don't know what else to say except that you are completely justified in feeling the way you feel, and that i am angry with you, because of the unfairness of it all. I am praying for you. For a miracle. Soon. HUGS.

Nikki Miller said...

I just wanted to say how much I LOVE your blog and how it is posts like these that keep me coming back... your candor, sincerity and open heart. I have NO idea how you feel or what it is like to struggle with infertility, I cannot even imagine the pain and sadness... But, I have SO many close loved ones that do suffer and somehow I feel more connected to them by reading posts from bloggers like you. I just wanted to be a voice of a young mom that wants to know the right thing to say to her best friend that has spent two years trying to get pregnant, or how to look my co-worker in the eye who just had failed IVF #3 when I my belly holds our #2... Thank you for your words. I do not have advise or words of wisdom or anything poignant to share, but I just felt this need to post.

Emily said...

Your retrieval is going to be here before you know it! Hang tight girlie! You are allowed to have as many meltdowns as necessary in the process. No one expects you to act all Pollyanna on all the meds.

I know what you mean too about feeling like you're always stuck in the infertility rut. Let it out when you want to, but don't force it if you feel like just taking a break. I will keep coming back to offer support if you blog once a day or just once a month. XO

JoJo said...

Well said...take the time to recollect urself. We all need it sometimes especially during this journey.

Aramis said...

I feel the same way right now...it seems like I'm only blogging about once a week because I can't think of anything to say. Don't let it add to your pressure, we'll all be here when you want/need us!

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

I'll read no matter what you write. Try to remember that we're all in the same boat....which means we all understand wanting to give up on everything (blog included) sometimes and hide under a rock and cry. So don't even think twice about taking all the time you need. We will still be here for you! Xoxo

Suzanne said...

Oh Aubry, I completely get it. All of it. You should write what you feel like it, when you feel like it. We'll all be here no matter what. I have such high hope for your treatment and protocol with CCRM and will be cheering you on all the way!

Team Harries said...

fun picture collage!!! No pressure to write, we will still big thinking of you lots! Sometimes it's hard not to feel "stuck" in all aspects of life, but that is completely ok!!! Hugs!

Sarah said...

I don't want you to stop blogging either my friend. Honestly, I think a lot of people always this time of year get into a lull. There's just SO much going on in our lives sometimes the blog gets neglected a bit. You WILL become a mom, one way or another. I have faith my friend. :)

Em said...

I hear ya, I really do. I have been struggling with this same thing lately - what else can I possibly say about this stuff?!?

Those questions at the end of your post that you want answers to...I want answers to those questions for you as well. I'm so sorry that infertility has infiltrated everything in your life. It always does that, doesn't it? I hate infertility.

nogoodeggs said...

we get it. I think most people I read who have been in the trenches for awhile have gone through a time when they did not know what to say Don't feel pressure to be here, saying things, every single day. Visit when you want. Post when you want. We will be here. xoxo

Aislinn said...

I think that everyone goes through the rut of being bogged down with the stress of infertility. Don't worry about posting, we'll be here whenever you decide to post again <3

I also nominated you for an award on my blog.

Impatiently Waiting said...

My husband is so picky when it comes to clothes. It drives me batty!

Amber said...

First, it's okay to take a blogging break if you need to (just tell us so we don't worry about you!). Second, you can write about other aspects of your life too and I would love to read about it. I enjoy getting to k ow my blogging friends outside of infertility as well :)

Gypsy Mama said...

I totally understand you. I love blogging, but at the same time I feel like taking a break from it is healthy. You don't have to always blog about infertility though. You could blog about anything and I for one would still read it. I know it is hard to come up with other things to write about when so much of our mind is tied up in thinking about infertility.

I hope you feel better soon :) xo
p.s. Thanks for the nomination!

Alicia said...

Hi - just stumbled across your blog via Jessah's blog. I hope you find out how you will become a mom very soon. This broke my heart. The waiting is the hardest part.

Best of luck at CCRM!

 
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