Friday, April 5, 2013

Tomorrow night

Today's been hard. Real hard. My heart hurts so badly, not just for me, but for so many others as well. And even though I know I'm not alone in suffering with infertility, I still feel alone. A part of me feels like I'm the only woman on the planet who can't get pregnant.

We have a wedding tomorrow night for friends of ours from college. Four of the girls in the wedding party are pregnant. Two of them were married after me and Nick. Of those not in the wedding party, we are one of the last couples without a baby. And to top it off, I can't drink. Not even one sip of alcohol. CCRM is coming up soon (!!) and I'm on a no-alcohol, no-caffeine diet for the Doppler sonogram that I will be having. My anxiety is through the roof. Alcohol would surely help me tomorrow night, but instead I will be soberly eyeing all of the adorable baby bumps and dying of envy.

Tomorrow night I will feel alone. I will be sad, and mad, and hurt. I will be jealous and green with envy.

Tomorrow night I will want to be anywhere but there. I will want to be make-up-less on the couch snuggled up with Belle.

Tomorrow night I won't want to face others' fertility.... because all it does is remind me of my own infertility.

19 comments:

Aramis said...

Ugh...so sorry that you have to deal with all of this with no alcohol. Booze makes everything better. Almost. But you're definitely not alone. Today was a bad day for me too. *hugs*

Team Harries said...

I wish we could all be there with you to cheer you up! Hope you are able to find peace tomorrow night, despite the circumstances! Praying for good rest tonight and a new day of hope tomorrow!

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

Even though you are on the East Coast, I'm having a pity party of my own tonight. And somehow I feel like we are in the same room holding our pups. Please know that you are not alone and so many of us (unfortunately) share your grief and difficult emotions. I don't envy your situation tomorrow night. But I do wish you the strength to hold your head up high because you are fabulous and blessed. Yes, even without a baby. At least, that is what I see when I think of you. My thoughts are with you!

lo @ crazy ever after said...

Come up with a good compromise. Maybe just stay for dinner and leave after that? Have a code word. Jesse knows when I am about to lose it. One look and we deck out. Ok. Sometimes it takes a bit more than one look. Ha! But seriously, have an exit strategy. It's ok to not want to be there. And it's ok to be sad and angry. I feel like we beat ourselves up so terribly over having feelings that are completely normal in situations like infertility.

the blogivers said...

Praying the night goes by quickly and with minimal pain for you :(

rainbeforerainbow said...

Ugh, that's a lot of pregnant ladies in one bridal party! I'm sorry. I'm just about to head out for a day with a pregnant friend I've been avoiding like the plague, so I can empathize with your pain. I agree that having an exit strategy is a good idea. And find some child-less people to socialize with while your there. Good luck... hope it's tolerable for you.

Sally said...

Good luck tonight. Thinking of you!

That just *might* be the cuuuuttessst pic of you & pup yet!! Love it!!

JenS said...

That is a lot of pregnant ladies to handle at once. I'm sorry. It's definitely a time that would be made a little more tolerable with some alcohol. Good for you for going, though. You don't have to stay long if it's too unbearable.

kharini said...

Good luck tonight sweetie.

Emily said...

4 preggos in the same wedding party? I think I would need to pop a xanax to endure that one. I like the idea of just planning on leaving the reception early and going home to snuggle with your hubby instead. Maybe just make an effort to say your personal congratulations early on to the bride and groom, and that way you can slip out knowing you gave them your best already and aren't waiting in some long line later. You'll make it through, and your friends will appreciate that you came. They will be the same ones sending you a gift for your baby shower someday!

Erika said...

Ugh. What a sucky situation. I wish that all of us IF bloggers were super rich and could all just hop on a plane and crash the wedding with you. Wouldn't that be fun? Even though probably half of us wouldn't be drinking for some reason or another, I have no doubt we could have an extremely enjoyable time at a table by ourselves. But since that probably won't be happening tonight, I hope you go with the 'duck out early and go home' strategy. Hoping that people are kind and things go better than you expect.

Amber said...

You are definitely not the only woman on the planet that can't get pregnant. You are not alone. I hope that you have survived the wedding without too much emotional trauma.

Darcy Kristy said...

Hugs! That is rough. Its so hard to be placed in those situations :( I hope it turned out okay

Laura said...

I read this on Sunday morning, so I feel comforted knowing that last night is over for you! Hopefully it wasn't too bad, but it probably felt like the longest night ever. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I know how that feels like too. It just adds insult to injury.

I'm so excited for your CCRM visit! It will be great, hopefully you feel renewed with hope!

Hang in there! :)

Kailey said...

I agree with Laura, I'm glad it's over for you too. Please know you are not alone. I deal with this every time there is a family get together and there are children everywhere. I also have to make myself go to other functions when I know there will be friends with children running all over the place.

You are in my prayers! Have a relaxing day!

nogoodeggs said...

Hope you survived the wedding lady!

JJ said...

Hoping you were able to survive the wedding and reception -- what a difficult situation to be in. It's so damn hard to see what seems like the whole world being pregnant and feeling left behind. Thinking of you and hoping you are getting some good cuddle time with that adorable pup!

Amy said...

How'd it go, Aubrey? I know I would have been just sick and so anxious. And to not be able to have a drink to help numb your feelings a bit...ugh.
Hope today was better for you.
(((Hugs)))

J and A said...

Oh my gosh I have so been in your shoes and it is the worst. I swear. I too hate infertility. I am so sorry you are going through this. You will get through I promise. We tried for 26 months and we got pregnant via iui. NEVER give up hope.

 
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