Sunday, April 14, 2013

Thoughts From My Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart today.  I'm sad and I feel depressed.  It's as if life is happening and I'm standing on the edge of it just watching as it passes me by.  Lately, I'm not present in any place or situation that I find myself in.  I'm literally just there, watching.  I'm watching others' joy while my heart is literally breaking.  I feel completely lost.  Only, I'm not lost at all - I know exactly where I am and I hate it.  I'm navigating my way through the unfairness of infertility.  It's hard.  And I'm scared.  Scared that these feelings won't ever end.  Scared that I won't beat infertility.  Scared that I'll never be a mom.  Tear.

Last week, my head was spinning having just finished our ODWU at CCRM.  I was filled with hope, faith and even some excitement again.  But, all that has seemed to wear off.  Today, I'm feeling... empty.  I mean, I know I'm sad.  I know I'm hurting.  I know that I'm scared and worried and anxious.  But, I just feel - blah.  And like I said before, life is happening, but I'm just - - - here.  Watching.

I can't seem to get out of my mind the unfairness of not being able to have the one thing (the.one.thing!) that I want in the whole entire world.

The one thing that comes so easily to some...

The one thing that is thrown away by some...

The one thing that so many take for granted...  

The one thing that many complain about...

The one thing that I know will make me a better person, that I'll never take for granted and that I know will complete me.  Because, let's be honest - I'm empty without that one thing.  At least, that's how I feel.

And that scares me.  I don't want to feel this emptiness forever...

19 comments:

Impatiently Waiting said...

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I have been there many times. I hope you feel better soon.

Amanda said...

Boo! I hate that you're feeling this way! I really hope that getting started with CCRM restores some of your hope and that some brighter days are in your future! Big hugs friend!

Emily said...

Girl, I wish I could reach in your heart and take those feelings away from you. I think it's normal to have those ups and downs of hope and then hopelessness. I'm hoping once your cycle really gets going more, you'll find yourself back in a more hopeful spot. I'm willing to bet you will! Thinking of you and praying for peace of mind for you today. ((HUGS))

the blogivers said...

Nothing life-altering to say... just thought of this verse to share with you though: "'In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.'" - John 16:33

God is bigger than this problem and His ways are a million times better than ours... I know that's not always comforting when you feel like there is absolutely nothing wrong with YOUR way, but just be encouraged knowing that He does have a plan, and He will bring good out of this!

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

I'm so sorry for your pain and sadness. It is so unfair. Your feelings are completely justified. But I believe this in every fiber of my being - you will beat infertility or be happy despite it. You are strong and have a wonderful life. I hope you find your joy and hope again soon. Thinking of you!

Team Harries said...

Praying you can find joy ad mist the pain!

Stephanie said...

I have been feeling the same way, but I have been trying to focus on other things to try to avoid falling into depression. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I hope you cheer up soon. :/

Melissa said...

Just found your blog from Erika's blogroll (something beautiful). I'm right there w/ you. Doing better right now but it has its ups & downs. Hopefully very soon we will have beaten this. Hopefully not too long from now we too will be moms.

Praying for you tonight.

Aramis said...

It won't always feel like this. At least I have to believe it won't. Somehow, we won't always feel this way.

Laura said...

I am so sorry you feel this way right now, Aubrey. :( I go in and out of this state quite often too, it just plain sucks! I sure hope that this isn't it for you, right now you're kinda in this weird waiting period/transition, hopefully it's over soon and you can hit the ground running again.

Life is just so unfair sometimes. I sure hope great things come your way soon!!

XO

JJ said...

Wish I could say something to make it better, but there isn't anything. Other than this whole journey sucks. Sending hugs your way!

kharini said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, your feelings are so normal and most of us dealing with IF have been there. It comes and goes... It's so hard, I know. But I believe that you have A LOT to feel hopeful for. You have a great shot with one of the best clinics in the country ahead of you, I'm sure it will work. xo

JoJo said...

When you say "And like I said before, life is happening, but I'm just - - - here. Watching." that's how I feel sometimes. Its hard to go through those ups & downs trying to pull yourself back together. Praying that you can get through this and one day we will get that bundle of joy that will make us a better person.

Janet said...

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone ((HUGS))

Janet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rainbeforerainbow said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way right now. I have many days (sometimes weeks) like this. Then I have a "good" day and I feel strong enough to handle a few bad days again. Like Aramis said, I have to believe we won't always feel this way. Sending hugs and happy thoughts your way!

Risa said...

I have been here so many times. I don't think I will ever get over those feelings. Know that you are not alone in this. We are all here to support you, in happiness and sadness.

Amber said...

I know it's hard. Believe me, I do know. I've had plenty of things in my life that have brought me down, infertility being one of them. However, I KNOW you have so much to be thankful. Don't let IF define you. Easier said than done. Sweetheart, just don't forget all that you DO have and keep fighting for what you DON'T have. You are doing so much to make it happen. Don't miss out on life right now while you are chasing that dream. You are an amazing, beautiful person with a lot of love to share with the world. God DOES have a plan.

Anonymous said...

Gucci also [url=http://www.bestguccioutlet2013.com]グッチ 財布[/url]
work domino than trend handbags, watches and other jewelry.Gucci "a phonogram of pre-eminence and repository," Warm happen to the dough consumer loved of prejudicial flavour, the question community has in constancy been favored, while to so higher-calibre symbolic capital. Gucci calm stands in the elephantine self-indulgence men does not deterioration in the taste exertion, fit thousands of treasured in a Gucci force fetter to the compass basis you unsurpassed luxuriousness feast. The correctly G printed pairs trademark logo and eye-catching red and unseasoned as a allusive of of Gucci briefcases, handbags, wallets and other Gucci products, which is Gucci earliest natural LOGO design. The Gucci a series of unchanging concoct, the united of a well-meaning map of its products and high-born materials, for a[url=http://www.bestguccioutlet2013.com]グッチ アウトレット[/url]
symbol of courtliness and recklessness, in reappearance Sofia - Roland and Duchess of Windsor and other [url=http://www.bestguccioutlet2013.com]GUCCI アウトレット[/url]
lady celebrities are respected.
[url=http://www.bestguccioutlet2013.com]グッチ 財布 新作[/url]
[url=http://www.bestguccioutlet2013.com]http://www.bestguccioutlet2013.com[/url]
[url=http://www.bestguccioutlet2013.com]グッチ 財布[/url]

 
Site Design By Designer Blogs