Monday, April 1, 2013

Bad Nights

Lately, evenings have been hard for me.  I mean, really HARD.  Like clockwork, as the sun goes down, so does my hope and my faith.  I just sort of feel like once the night time comes, I can finally take a deep breath, but as I let it out, I just fall apart.

During the day I'm going, going, going.  I truly bury myself into my work, especially on days (like today) when I'm presenting to potential clients.  When I'm in my office, I keep myself just as distracted.  I often take breaks to read up on other blogs and when I get home I head straight to my computer to check and answer my personal e-mails.  I rush to make and eat dinner and then head to my barre workout class. Then I come home and as I get settled on the couch or into bed, I finally just let it all out.  And it's painful.

Though my infertility is always with me and is always on my mind, during the day it just seems to be suppressed a little bit (enough to get me through the day).   But as the day comes to an end, my infertility comes crashing to the forefront of my mind.  It's right there.  And it's the only thing that's right there.  And it makes me sad, and hurt, and worried, and scared.

And I hate that.  I hate infertility.

19 comments:

Suzanne @ Our Journey to a Baby Bump said...

I completely understand this post and I'm so sorry today was such a bad day(night). Infertility has taken over my life and has made me a different person. All I can hope is at the end of this journey, I'm a stronger and happier person because of what I've been through and what I achieved. I truly hope that for both of us. Big hug coming at you tonight.

Erika said...

I can definitely relate to this...wanting to to just keep myself insanely busy until the minute I go to bed in order to avoid the moments of everything crashing in. :( Praying that these nights become fewer and fewer, friend.

Bren said...

I hate those nights and am praying for more peaceful moments of quiet clarity. Barring that, (or barre-ing that, as the case may be :) just know that we all have those moments where it hurts to breath and feels all too much, but it will get better. His mercies are new every morning. The nights suck, but the morning will come.

JoJo said...

I can relate to this post every single day. Seems like I can really hide the pain because no one seems to notice. It sucks but I know at the end of this journey you & I will be stronger, better mothers.

the blogivers said...

Hugs :(

Team Harries said...

Hugs to you! Know that you are not alone!

nogoodeggs said...

Agreed. I run around all day - teaching, emailing, meetings, then after work I workout or meet friends or run errands. Its not till after work, at the end of the week, that I reaize it is time to slow down, feel my feelings, and be sad.

It sucks, but it is also important to have good coping skills during the day and make it through our need-to list (liek working!) without crubling

Ashley said...

I found this weekend entirely hard... Listening to the kids down at the park for the Easter egg hunt but not being invited because we don't have kids. Or seeing the families walk home com it knowing that is something we are missing out on... Not just the Easter egg hunt, but the whole wanting a kids soo badly!!

Hang in there, count your blessings, they make the bad things seem not soo bad!

Adrienne Clark said...

This breaks my heart! I am sooo sooo sorry you are going through this! I suffer with endometriosis, and although I am single, I have thought about the day when I will want to have children and wonder if that will be a possibility. I will say a prayer for you, don't give up, God is good and He has a plan :-)
New follower!
Adrienne @ myblackwhitecolor.blogspot.com

conceptionallychallenged said...

I'm so sorry you're in such a dark place right now. A while ago the trying & failing made me so miserable that I decided we had to take a break. And it took a long time to find the courage to go back to trying, because I was so afraid of going back to this painful place. For now I'm doing ok. I took up yoga and started to meditate, and I think this helps me. I hope that you'll find something to make you go through these tough times, too.

Sarah said...

I hate it too. I hated announcing I was pregnant with Drew a few years back as I had good friends going through your journey. I feel guilty even having a blog where I discuss how wonderful my kid is. I didn't walk in your shoes but I'm with you on this bandwagon. I hate it. What it does to my friends and what it does for their hearts. It sucks. And it can kiss my a$$. :)

Christen said...

I am so sorry for all this heartbreak you have been through; sending out positive thoughts and keeping you in my prayers

idioticinfertility said...

I feel a whole lot like this. By the end of the day, I'd rather just be numb than anything else. But it's always waiting for you...

Amber said...

Thank goodness for daytime distractions! You have every right to be worried and scared. I think it would be hard to find anyone suffering from IF that hasn't experienced these fears. Hugs!

Emily said...

Infertility blows! Period. You are such a trooper...still managing to do a great job at work, exercising daily, and trying your best to balance it all with the raw emotions you feel daily but just can't ignore. You inspire me, and I admire your courage and resilience to keep putting one foot in front of the other every single day! You should be proud of yourself!

Impatiently Waiting said...

I can relate. It so hard to ignore and half the time IF makes me feel bi-polar. Thinking of you!

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

I totally relate as it sounds like you and I are very similar. In the quietness, you can't escape infertility. But I think the sadness and pain is healthy because you have to process all of the feelings. Suppressing them all the time is no good. But we need to...to get through the day. Catch 22. This is a long-winded way of saying..this really blows. I'm sorry any of us has to experience this and I understand how you feel. Hugs!

Recently Roached said...

So sorry to hear about this, Aubrey. What a hard reality to have to face. I hope you are holding tight to those you love at night when you can't shake the ugly thoughts out of your mind. My mom always told me that in our darkest moments, Jesus is always near. I pray your nights will be filled with His peace.

Xlovehappyx said...

I will say a little prayer for you. There's so much to life, but I understand your sadness. Hopefully reading blogs (like Love Maegan) will cheer you.

 
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