Our Memorial Day Weekend in review:
* Working from home with B by my side on Friday * Husband jean shopping. Not fun. He's picky. * Green smoothie breakfasts * Thank goodness for year-round caramel apple spice. Take that, no-caffeine rule! * Brunch at our wedding venue/Memorial Service for a dear family friend * 5 mile walk on a pretty bike trail * Birthday present for my little boyfriend, aka my three year old nephew, whom I adore * My little family * My sweet, sweet Belle (who does not look happy in this picture, ha!) *
All weekend I was thinking about my little blog. I've felt so disconnected from it lately. I've been suffering through horrible writer's block and I just feel stuck. Stuck, stuck, stuck. My blog is about my infertility. Infertility has become my life. I've openly admitted before, that I struggle with trying not to allow my infertility to overcome every other aspect of my life. The truth is, though, that I fail at this pretty much every single day. Blogging about my infertility has always been a good outlet for me... A place to come to bare my heart and soul and my raw thoughts and emotions. But that's just the thing... Lately I've felt like what else can I possibly say? How many more times can I write about how sad I am? How depressed I feel? How I had to leave a wedding early because a friend announced her pregnancy? Or, how I cried myself to sleep at night thinking about the unfairness of my struggle with infertility? It's all been said. I'm still sad. I still feel depressed. I still feel like I won't be able to make it through any sort of social function. And I still cry myself to sleep, many nights, because this is so unfair.
I know I don't want to stop blogging. I just know that right now, I don't know what to say. I feel a bit empty. So, my posts may continue to be a bit sparse. Maybe (hopefully) I'll have more to say as my cycles with CCRM continue to progress? Right now, with not a whole heck of a lot going on, I feel a little blah... I don't have a lot of updates - except that my estrogen and testosterone meds officially kicked my butt this weekend. I suffered my first (and second, and third) hormone-induced meltdown this weekend (hence the need to take a five mile walk to clear my head and to complain the whole time about how much I hate infertility. My poor husband.). It wasn't pretty. I'll just leave it at that.
I'm only 6 1/2 days in to my testosterone priming cycle and I'm ready for it to be over. I want to stim. I want to fly to Denver. I want to figure out if retrieval will interfere with my new job training. I want to get the show on the road. Most of all, I just want to become a mom. And even more than that, I want to know how I will become one...