Thursday, December 26, 2013

The Truth About Me and My 10 Week Little Loves

I've come here to write many times since my last post, but nothing comes out. It's been hard for me to share my early pregnancy story here... I guess it's another side effect of infertility - something that's still very much a part of me. I want this blog to be a space of honesty and true feelings but that's where I get stuck. You see, I want so badly to come here and tell you how wonderful I feel, but the thing is... I don't. And I haven't.

I began feeling nauseous the day after I found out I was pregnant. The nausea (if I'd even call it that now) was completely manageable. I'd feel it in the morning, but once I forced myself to eat something as soon as I woke up, I'd end up feeling better a couple of hours later. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks on Thanksgiving day - all day nausea from the time I open my eyes in the morning until the time I close them again at night to go to sleep. Nausea like I've never felt before. Gagging and dry heaving at the thought of really any food or smell. Tears would stream down my face throughout the day out of pure discomfort, but also because I had wanted so badly to enjoy this - my pregnancy. To embrace it for all that it is, to be thankful and grateful and to truly feel blessed because these babies - they are pure miracles. And the thing is - I am thankful. I am grateful and I do feel blessed. More than I ever imagined possible. But I also feel horrible.

Nick brought me to my mom and dad's house in Connecticut one week so that my parents could help to take care of me - I had found it was near impossible to even walk into my kitchen without having to run to the bathroom and proceed to dry heave for the next twenty minutes. My OB had recommended that I eat something small every hour so it was nice having my parents help to make sure I did as I was told. My OB also ended up prescribing me two anti-nausea meds. The first, Zofran, worked on the first day I took it and then it just... didn't. So, Phenergan was added in to the mix and while I'm not sure it makes me feel better, it does make me sleep - and that's good because when I sleep, it's really the only time I don't feel sick.

I think I've finally turned a corner - I'm finding that I do feel better for longer periods of time throughout the day. Yesterday, Christmas Day, was great.  I felt good all day.  But, I did make a bee-line for the bathroom the second we arrived home from my in-laws house. Small steps, I suppose?

So... you see, this is exactly why I haven't wanted to post. This is the.last.thing I'd want to read if this came across my feed a year ago. A year ago... I can't stop thinking about it... Last year on Christmas Eve, I remember laying on a couch at my parents house in the fetal position in so much pain from the physical reminder that my IVF #4 failed. I remember the tears, the heartache the despair and depression. I remember it like it could have been yesterday. I still feel that pain. I don't think I'll ever forget - ever. I'll never forget the unfairness of infertility. I'll never forget the two and a half years of pure hell that I somehow trudged through every single day. And now that I'm pregnant... I just can't seem to shake it... So, I haven't wanted to post because I haven't really known how to - I haven't known what to say. And truthfully, I've been too sick to post. I've felt crummy (physically) for four weeks. Most of those weeks, so crummy that it's been hard for me to get out of bed.

But, my heart - oh my heart has felt so full. So full of instant and pure love for two 10 week old babies that are just now becoming fetuses. Two inch long living beings inside of me that deep down I never knew if I'd ever be able to create. And that just amazes me. My sixth IVF retrieval and transfer finally brought me what I have always wanted - and more! It blows my mind away... Mostly it does because I can't believe I made it through that many IVF procedures - through that much heartache after five failed transfers of eleven embryos. That I didn't give up on my body. I owe that strength all to God - I never knew I had that much faith to carry me through and to believe in myself. That's all from Him. And last night as I laid in bed with tears streaming down my face after getting so sick (literally), I felt Him so close to me... Almost as if He were tapping me on my shoulder saying 'I told you so. I told you I wouldn't let you down.'

And so, while I always imagined a pregnancy full of weekly belly bumpdate pictures and buying baby items from the day I learned that I was pregnant, I've come to realize that it's OK that I'm just not 'there' yet. These babies are oh-so-loved already and even though they are kicking my butt, I'm now just thinking of God and his reminder of 'I told you so' with every bout of nausea that I feel.

29 comments:

the blogivers said...

It's kind of like having survivor's guilt, right? You feel bad for making it to the other side and not feeling 100% thankful, all the time. I'm sorry these first several weeks have made it so hard for you to enjoy this experience as you deserve, but praying the approaching 2nd trimester will change that for you!!

Erika said...

I'm so sorry you've been so sick-- I tend to think that those of us that have to fight so hard for pregnancy deserve a free pass from any accompanying sickness, but I guess it doesn't always (ever? ha) work out that way. :) Despite the sickness, you look GORG in those pictures!! I hope you start feeling way better and are able to enjoy those babies more and more each day.

Kimberly Q said...

So good to hear from you. I hope you know that it is ok to feel happy and miserable at the same time. Just because you feel extremely sick and state that fact does not mean that you are any less grateful for this pregnancy! Love the duck onesies! Hoping you turn a corner soon!

Amanda said...

It is soooo good to hear from you, Aubrey! I HATE that you've been sick… you of all people don't deserve more weeks of misery, but I'm so incredibly thankful that you and both babies are hanging in there! I'm so, so thankful that the Lord saw you through the dark days and I have full confidence that He's going to see you through this too! Love you, sweet girl!

rainbeforerainbow said...

You look great! I'm sorry you've been feeling so sick. It's so hard to function & focus on being happy when you feel terrible all of the time. The good news is you're likely over the worst of it. I hope the second trimester is much kinder to you!

wherethebleepisourstork said...

Sorry to hear about the sickness! I wish you were able to skip all that but I guess that is all apart of pregnancy (for the unlucky some). I hope the sickness passes soon so you can enjoy those babies! Hope the ornaments I sent look good on the tree- I love the santas! ;-)

Elisha Kearns said...

I am praying that the sickness passes soon. I know that when Jesus died on the cross he bore every sickness and disease and that includes pregnancy sickness. I am praying that the enemy will leave you alone so that you can start enjoying your time :) Hugs to yoU!

Caroline said...

so sorry you haven't been feeling well, but so glad to hear an update from you!!! Love those pictures too!! Hope you get to feeling better and hope we get to see more bump pictures soon! I imagine you are just going to be the cutest pregnant person with your sweet bump!

Jennifer Juniper said...

I could have written this... except I have one baby. And you write so much better than me... I feel for you. My nausea has been so bad since 5w6d... I'm 13w2d and no end in sight. It's so sad that some have to suffer so hard through pregnancy and some have it so easy. Maybe this will make us tougher. xoxoxoxo

Melissa said...

It's not fair... i think you should not have to go through morning (all day) sickness!! Seriously! I am so sorry you have been so sick! I hope that it is over soon - that you start feeling 100% any day now. ;) SO happy for you that you are not still where you were last year. That brings me a little hope. ;) xoxo

shay said...

i think it's so unfair that you're sick through your pregnancy! i mean, after what it took to get here, yes, you'll "grin and bear it" but sheesh, cut a girl a break! but i hope you feel better soon and will keep praying for those miracle babies to grow grow grow!

Nikki Miller said...

Feel better and you DON'T have to apologize for how you feel, I think it goes without saying that we read this blog for the candor and vulnerability.
Sipping on lemon water through the day helped me. Hang in there girl and keeping growing those amazing miracles!

Anonymous said...

I am so happy to read that you and the babies are doing well. I know the sickness is NO fun, but it's only a moment in time and in a couple of weeks you will be worried when you don't feel the sickness anymore! I know that sounds CRAZY but it's true! I had more unscheduled appointments during my second trimester because the nausea had subsided and I hadn't yet felt her kick so I needed constant confirmation that everything was ok. Praise God my doctor knew my past and was very understanding. I do hope you will continue to let us know how you and the little ones are doing!

jAllen said...

Thank you so much for your honesty. It's another measure of unfairness from this whole processes, to be blessed but so sick at the same time. I hope you start to feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

So glad your back! Hope you start feeling great soon and looking forward to reading more about the pregnancy(the good, bad an ugly) it's all part of it and don't feel like you should hold back. You give me hope! Best wishes, Caroline k

TheTravellingTrio said...

I am new here so I am pleased that you have come back to report how things are going. Something to remember in this new path you are following is that pretty much everyone who is still struggling with infertility will see anything you write as a reason to judge you at this point. They are still in the battle to conceive. I think it is important to be honest like you have written for them as well as anyone trying to conceive that it is not all sunshine and roses once you get that positive pregnancy test.

I agree with one of the comments above that it is somewhat like survivors guilt. Keep updating as this whole group of people are here to support you and be happy for you and cheer you on. For those still struggling there has to be a happy story to follow to well, keep their hopes alive.

Mrs. Lost said...

I'm glad that you at least had a little sliver of not being sick. Like I have told you before, the babies just want to remind you that they are there! I continue to pray for you and the twins. It has been fun sharing this with you since we are only a few days apart with our babies! :) Love the ornaments and duck outfits. So cute!

Feel better!

Emily said...

Awe, sweetie. So sorry you have had it so rough, but glad to hear you've turned a corner and are feeling better longer periods of time now. I think embracing those cute little duck outfits is a good step in the right direction of enjoying the pregnancy and letting go enough to celebrate it. I'm sure you'll get to the point where you are going baby crazy soon enough!

Em said...

Oh Aubrey! So sorry that you're feeling so sick. Ugh. I can really identify with everything that you said here. It's strange when your heart is carrying so many different emotions and you're trying to figure out how to be in this place that's so different from where you've been over the past few years. But oh how glad I am that you are in this new place! So thankful for your little babies. (-:

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

So sorry you've been feeling so crummy, love. That is awful. You fight so hard and then feel so crappy. My friend I was telling you about twho is also pregnant with twins from CCRM is having a rough go of it too (different stuff)…but still tough. It's just not fair..you'd think we infertiles would at least get to enjoy easy pregnancies. Sigh. Well at least you have your miracle babies growing. So grateful for that!

Sally said...

So happy to read this and hear from you :)) You are so blessed!!! xoxoxo

Laura said...

I'm so sorry to hear how sick you've been. I found the second trimester to be amazing, I truly hope you feel great during those months too, all those feel-good hormones really help after having a rough first trimester. I'm still SOOOOO happy for you guys, you deserve this so much!!

It's a little late, but Merry Christmas to you guys as well! :) XOXO

Christen said...

How unfair to feel so sick!! I'm so hopeful that your second trimester will be blissful and free from bouts of nausea!!

Anne said...

Congratulations! I am a new reader and loved catching up on your story and happy ending!

Suzanne said...

I hate that you've been feeling so bad…as much as we say we'd would LOVE to just have the chance to have morning sickness, I mean, it's still not fun!

You guys look fantastic and so happy…which makes me happy. :)

Risa said...

I hate nausea more than anything. Sorry you were so sick. But I am so excited for you and am praying for those little babies, even if they make you dry heave. ;)

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I've been following your journey for quite some time and I am so happy to read that you are having twins. After three years of trying to get pregnant I am also 17 weeks pregnant with two! Hopefully you start to feel better soon. I look forward to reading your posts!
-Katrina

conceptionallychallenged said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful, physically speaking. I hope that part gets better soon, and that you then get to fully embrace and enjoy your pregnancy!

Amber said...

Oh Aubrey, I am sorry you've been feeling so sick, but I am so extremely happy for the reason! Please don't feel guilty for feeling miserable. It is completely okay to wish it was a smoother ride. I know you are still happy and totally grateful for these little babies. That doesn't mean you have to relish feeling so awful. I'm a few weeks behind, so you may even be feeling better by now! I think it's good to write about your pregnancy, the good and the bad. It doesn't mean you are ungrateful. It just means your being honest. Hang in there. The reward will be GREAT!

 
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