Friday, December 7, 2012

i love daddy

Waaaaay back when, when we first decided that we were ready to start trying to get pregnant, I bought this little onesie for my husband.  This is the only baby item that I have in my house.  It's been stuffed in the way back of my underwear/socks drawer for over two years now.  And, the other day as I was rummaging through that drawer trying to find a specific pair of socks, I caught a glimpse of it... and was immediately brought back to the time in my life when I bought this teeny tiny piece of clothing...
I was so excited that my husband was finally ready for our family to expand.  At the time, my only thoughts were how I would tell him and our families the good news (that I was sure I would have soon).  I had plans of wrapping this little onesie up and giving it to him the day that I got a positive response on a pee stick (which, I'm still convinced is impossible!).  But sadly, you all know how this turned out... Months after buying this precious little onesie, I stuffed it away so that it would be out of my sight and reach... my dream quickly started to slip away from me.

After one of my failed IUI's or IVF's (I can't even remember which one it was), I was sobbing in bed for, what felt like, hours.  I remember, amidst my tears, getting up and and grabbing the onesie to show to my husband.  I told him that even though he's already seen it, that I will still give it to him one day.  But the thing is, I just never thought that today, it still wouldn't be in his possession (or that our baby wouldn't have already outgrown it!) and that it'd still be stuffed in the way back of my drawer.

Anyway, as I took the onesie out and held it close to me, I was overcome with so much guilt.  I know I always say that "this is one of the hardest things about infertility", but this - the guilt - really is one of the hardest parts in all of this.  I'm the reason we don't have a baby.  I'm the reason why I haven't been able to gift this little onesie to my husband yet.  And while there are many, many, times that I'll hug him and apologize for all of this, he is always so quick to respond in the most genuine way telling me to stop it and that we're in this together.  I know that's true - there isn't anyone else in this world that I could imagine going through this difficult, painful and heartbreaking time with - I'm beyond lucky and grateful to have my husband by my side.  But, it doesn't take away the guilt that I feel deep down, every single day. 

What's ironic, is that in a time of complete desperation, pain and heartache, I've somehow found myself feeling a little closer to God than I have ever felt before.  Maybe it's because I've been clinging so tightly to my faith throughtout all of this...  In any case, though, I've been praying a whole heck of a lot.  Lots of prayers have been said for our miracle baby to finally join our family.  But, most of my prayers are for my husband not to have to bare this anymore.  Because he doesn't deserve it.  He deserves so much to be a daddy.  He deserves for me to give this onesie to him someday (hopefully soon).  I want it so badly for myself, but I want it even more for him.  I want to be rid of this guilt that I carry around with me.  I want to see our baby in this onesie... and I pray to God that He will give us that chance.

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