I sipped a few soda waters with a splash of cranberry juice and a lime in a bar glass all night and no one had any clue that there was actually no vodka in any of my cocktails (it was also wonderful waking up this morning with not even the slightest bit of a headache!). And while my heart was definitely filled with a lot of sadness, jealousy and envy, it was actually nice seeing so many of our college friends - even the pregnant ones. In fact, that wasn't even the hardest part of the night! Nope, the hardest part of my night wasn't facing friends from college who are just a couple of months away from welcoming their babies into this world or listening to friends go on and on and on and on about all the adorable things their babies do. The hardest part of my night? That was in the church...
Our friends were married in the church that is on our alma mater's campus - Merrimack College Church of Christ the Teacher. I love this church (it's actually the church where we wanted to be married, but were unable to since neither of us are Catholic), but last night the warmth I normally feel when I walk through those familiar doors just didn't welcome me. As I sat in the pew clenching Nick's hand, I had to do all I could to fight back the tears.
You see, churches for some reason, make me sad these days. The past few times I've been to church recently (I don't go regularly, which is something I want to change, but that's an entirely different post for another day), I've just gotten so choked up. I have a hard time holding back my emotions in God's house. A part of me thinks that it's because in dealing with infertility, my Faith has actually strengthened. I've become more connected to my Faith and in a way, have felt closer to God than I've ever felt before. The other part of me though (and I'm going to be brutally honest here), feels a little angry with God. Why is infertility my journey? Why is this happening to me? And so, with the feeling of being pulled in two different directions with regard to my Faith... well, that's what makes it difficult for me. And that's what brings upon lots of emotions that I can't seem to hold back.
And also, I couldn't seem to help myself from rolling my eyes when the priest asked the bride and groom if they'll accept children in the name of God. I was asked that question, too. THREE YEARS AGO. I answered that yes, I will accept children in the name of God. But for some reason, God hasn't given me the chance to ACCEPT a child yet. Why??? It makes me angry - priests and ministers ask that question in a wedding ceremony as if conceiving a child will be easy - Well, HELLO!!!! It's not easy. At least it's not for me. And that makes me sad, because in my opinion, no one would ACCEPT a child in the name of God more willingly than me.
Infertility is evil. But luckily, with the strength that God has bestowed upon me, I'm somehow able to (sometimes) still smile. And to keep moving forward, to keep living. Even though getting out of bed and facing my infertility is the most difficult part of my day, everyday.
13 comments:
I'm glad the night ended up being better than anticipated :) As for being angry with God, I just hope you know that it's such a normal thing... and I also want to encourage you that God can take it! I think He would rather you be angry with Him than not think of Him at all. I remember feeling the same way many times, especially on Amanda's behalf when they were dealing with infertility, but I'm so grateful He never gave up on me when I was tempted to give up on Him!
Yes, ditto to Allison. I'm so glad the night was better than expected-- your cute dress most likely helped that situation out- LOVE it!
I'm glad that the night actually turned out better than expected. I tend to get emotional in church also. I'm not quite sure why, but my emotions tend to ride the surface when I'm in church and I'll find myself getting teary eyed over very simple things. Like the person said above, I think it's pretty normal to go through a period of being mad at God. I've been waiting over 13 years to be a mom and recently had my first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. I've had all sorts of why me moments. Or maybe more like why NOT me. I'm not sure we will ever have those answers while we are still on this earth, but I do know God does have a plan, whatever it may be. You are moving forward with CCRM here soon and I have a strong feeling God will soon be answering your prayers.
I'm glad it turned out better than you thought. It's perfectly ok to have those feelings. They are all very familiar to me. Thinking about you. We WILL get our babies someday.
I'm so glad you were able to smile and enjoy the wedding. You look great and so happy in the photos. Infertility IS evil. I'm sorry that it's continued to creep into your life, but I love that you continue to smile. Good for you. This will happen for you, so sure of it.
You look so amazing! I'm glad that it turned out to be a better night than anticipated. I'm so sorry you are dealing with infertility! You deserve to be happy :-)
You will be in my thoughts doll!
Adrienne
So glad you ended up having a good time at the wedding. Sometimes our anticipation of events can be much worse than the reality. I do it all the time!
I'm glad that the part of the evening you were dreading turned out to be fine. Even, good!
I am easily overwhelmed at church, too, for a variety of reasons. How good to know that we serve a God who loves us even when we are angry. Thinking of you.
wow this post mirrors how i feel exactly. i'm fighting everyday not to be SO angry with the situation we are in. and yet, my faith has been strengthened in more ways than one. some days its hard to believe that God has a plan for us. and i guess that's where i have to sit back and just let go and know that i can't control everything.
So glad you had a fun time at the wedding! :)
You looked lovely, Aubrey!!
It's interesting that you have that experience with church as well, I'm the same way lately. I felt so awful because I decided to skip out on the Easter service this year (I observed it in my own private way.)I knew I would probably have a nervous breakdown, because the same thing happened at the Christmas service. It's not quite as bad on Sundays, but on the big holidays when it's always a super emotional service & when there are tons of adorable little kids running allover the place... It's all too much to deal with sometimes. It's just very hard sometimes dealing with all of the complicated emotions and feelings that come with being a person of faith while also going through infertility...I'm sure we will all find our way again, sometimes it's just hard.
Thinking of you today & hoping your ODWU is going well!! :)
glad you enjoyed yourself! you make a realy good point! we also said that at our wedding. I wonder if anyone has ever talked to there people about how hurtful that can be for people in the audience or couples who know they might have issues...
You are gorgeous!
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