Thursday, August 2, 2012

I confess...

Why is it that people are drawn to others' good fortunes (as I type this, I suppose the same is true for people being drawn to others' misfortunes)?  It's funny... On December 23, 2008, I activated a facebook account.  Why?  Because I got engaged the day before.  With some convincing from my sister, I just had to announce brag to my "friends" the great news.  Over the next couple of years, facebook quickly became my lifeline.  I was constantly connected and aware of all the goings-on in my "friends" lives.  Rather than being someone who posted frequently, I was someone who followed... constantly.

Once Nick and I decided we wanted to expand our family and try for a baby, I became even more addicted to facebook.  Around this time, I got an iPhone, so I literally had the updates of my "friends" lives in my back pocket.  As the months passed, with no pregnangy to announce and post about on my own facebook page, I became even more facebook-obsessed.  Of course during this time, I would notice daily while stalking my facebook news feed, that my "friends" were announcing their pregnancies and posting pictures of their newborn baby left and right... at least it seemed that way. 

Finally, once I was knee-deep into infertility treatments, I realized that facebook was not good for me.  So, I quit (my sister had recently deactivated her account - and this should actually be another post in and of itself - but, my little sister is actually the "cool" one - normally you'd think that it's the little sister who chases after her big sister trying to immitate and mimic all that she does... in our family, though, it's the other way around - everything my little sister does, wears and buys... is cool... and I try to be just like her in a lot of ways, like when she quit facebook!).  Seeing others' good fortunes and joys only hurt my already scarred heart that much more.

I really haven't missed facebook all that much.  It's been quite the breath of fresh air.  I'm not longing to know if so and so had her baby or what so and so named her baby.  I certainly don't miss seeing my "friends" announcements on-line of their pregnancies.  And more than ever I DO.NOT. miss seeing my "friends" posts about how miserable their pregnancies are, how sick they are, or how they just can't wait for their pregnany to be over!

BUT, having said all that... the title of this post does allude to the fact that I have a confession... So, without further ado, I confess to you (mom - who again, I think is my sole reader) that I accidentally logged into my facebook account today and took about a half hour and searched every "friend" I knew from a few months ago (prior to deleting facebook) who had either been pregnant or who already had a baby... I scoured their pages, stalked their pictures and... truthfully, I didn't feel as crappy as I thought I would have felt.  I didn't feel any better though, either.  And so with that - I deactivated my account again...
Facebook and I just aren't meant to be friends right now.  Maybe (God willing) someday I'll (hopefully) have some great news to share.. but something tells me I'll posting that news somewhere other than on facebook ;)

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