Monday, August 13, 2012

Book Report

I finished Silent Sorority last night.  Here are my thoughts...

Most everything about infertility in this book was something that I could (sadly and unfortunately) relate to... I found myself, over and over again, thinking "that's exactly how I feel!"  About 3/4 of the way through the book, though, I realized that the author was not going to beat all odds and miraculously become pregnant.  It left a bad taste in my mouth and I immediately noticed that my mood had changed.  It's funny, because reading on-line forums about infertility or other peoples' blogs about infertility, it's the success stories that I'm drawn to.  I love reading real-life stories about people who struggled to become pregnant, people who have endured the very same pain and heartbreak that I'm enduring right now, and who somehow, by the grace of God end up seeing two pink lines on an HPT.  While those stories make me insanely envious and jealous, it fills me with hope that if it happened for her (and her and her and her), then maybe, just maybe it can happen for me, too.  Silent Sorority did the opposite though... toward the end of the book, I was devastated.  Devastated for the author, but also for myself.  It made me scared and brought me back to the questions and fears that I've filed way far back in my brain... What will we do if we can't have a baby of our own?  How will I ever be truly satisfied with my life without a child of my own?  How will my husband ever be truly satisfied with his life, knowing I can't give him a child of his/our own?  How will this change us - as a couple and as individuals?  I even started asking Nick these questions out loud (and at this point, he just about wanted to rip the book out of my hands and light it on fire) - Of course he didn't have the answers to my questions... I suppose no one does.

I did finish the book, though.  And I do have to say that it left me with the utmost respect for the author.  I've done a lot of soul searching over the past year and a half since encountering this awful, heart-wrenching stage in my life - but since finishing this book, I feel as though I've begun to search even deeper within my soul.  In some ways, I don't think I'm able to fully reflect on what I've read just yet.  It's a scary place to go...

That said, I may put off reading infertility books for a while and just stick to the on-line forums and fellow blogger community to keep me going with (what I hope will be for all of the blogs I follow) real-life positive, happy and miraculous outcomes!

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