Saturday, November 9, 2013

Tales of a Transfer

I wasn't going to blog about my transfer.  I was scared to share too much.  To put it all out there.  To be honest.  But, as the days have passed since my sweet, sweet embryos were placed into my uterus, I've realized that I need to do this - I need to blog about the day that I became PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise for all you non-IF'ers out there).

We arrived in Colorado, my favorite state of all-time, earlier this week.  We got ourselves settled into the hotel, went out to lunch and stocked up on some groceries and snacks for while I would be on bed rest post-transfer.  It has been nine months since my last local IVF transfer.  It's sort of hard to believe.  I mean, I knew my CCRM journey has gone on longer than I had anticipated with having to bank my embryos and cycle a second time a couple of months ago, but I still sort of can't believe that it's been so long... In fact, yesterday was seven months exactly from the date of my ODWU.  It feels a little silly, but in seven short long months, I've really become connected to Colorado - the place where my babies have been and still are.  Anyway, even though it has been nine months, the post-transfer feelings that I unfortunately had become very used to, have certainly come rushing back.  The worry and being scared beyond belief about whether or not this will work... Waiting to find out if my tiny little babies will live - wow - - - it's gut wrenching.

The day of the transfer started off well.  I made sure to snap a few pictures of me and Nick before we left the hotel - in hopes that these would be the last pictures of us before I became pregnant - before what we hope and pray will be our miracle babies were placed into my uterus, literally impregnating me.  I carefully chose the jewelry that I brought with me on this trip and made sure to wear each piece for my transfer.  One of my sweet infertility friends sent me the bracelet with the wing a couple months ago - it's a sign of hope.  I also was sure to wear both my acorn (symbolizing fertility) and HOPE necklaces and I pray that those little signs of hope and fertility will bring me just that. 
When we arrived at CCRM, I had my blood draw so that my estrogen and progesterone levels could be checked and then we were sent upstairs to the surgery center where I met my acupuncturist (I chose to do the pre and post-transfer acupuncture sessions).  I had done a few months of acupuncture locally when Nick and I took a short break from IVF treatment, and while it obviously didn't help me in getting pregnant, I do remember at least feeling relaxed for the hour or so that I had needles protruding from my body, so I figured why not.  I knew that the embryologist would be calling me on the morning of my transfer to give me an embryo thaw report and when my phone rang as I was filling out some acupuncture consent forms, what I heard was the absolute last thing that I had expected...

Sadly and shockingly (to both me and to the embryologist), one of my perfect 5AA embryos did not survive the thaw.  Anyone who knows CCRM, know that their lab has one of the best freeze/thaw rates out of any fertility lab in the country - and my perfectly graded, genetically normal embryo did not survive - what?!  Thank goodness I didn't really have much time to process this as the acupuncturist was literally tapping me on my shoulder ready for me to come back for my pre-transfer session as I received this news.  I knew that I couldn't let it bother me - I couldn't let this effect me and bring me down.  I gave the embryologist permission to take one of my other three frozen embryos to be thawed.

After the pre-transfer acupuncture session, an ultrasound technician came in and set up her machine.  She tested my bladder to make sure it was nice and full (it was actually way too full and I had to go to the bathroom to make it deflate a little) and then used the external wand to show us what to look for during the actual transfer of my embryos into my uterus.  The embryologist then came in with her machine (basically something like an incubator) and Nick was allowed to take some pictures of our babies on his phone.  Both were already hatching quite a bit and I'm not sure any of my other blasts from my one local IVF cycle that created blasts looked anything like these.  We ended up transferring one day 5 embryo graded 5AA and one day 6 embryo graded 3BB.  The embryologist assured me that they were both beautiful (but even if they weren't to her, they still would be beautiful to me - it always amazes me how attached I become to these microscopic embryos... my babies).  After the embryologist left the room, my acupuncturist came back for my post-transfer acupuncture session where I laid there quietly with tears streaming down my face, praying to God for a miracle.
Before I continue on and journal my bed rest post-transfer, I want to say how CCRM has changed my life.  I know that may sound odd because we don't even know how this will end yet... We absolutely could be back here in a couple months time - we could be crushed with devastating news or blessed more than that word could ever imply.  But, it's been quite nostalgic for me being here this time.  The journey that we've been on the past seven months has been excruciating, exhausting, frustrating, terrifying, sad, painful and confusing - but it also has given me more hope than doubt - which is something that I did not expect as we began down this road.  I never in a million years thought we'd "pass" the CCS testing - I absolutely did not think that we could create genetically normal embryos.  I never thought we'd make it to this day.  And we did.

I was required to lay flat once I arrived back to my hotel for the remainder of the transfer day and for the entire next day as well.  I, for one, am really not sure how I feel about bed rest and what good it does - or doesn't do.  My local RE does not require bed rest - she was OK with me getting up after 10 minutes of laying flat post-transfer.  From there, she said to just take it easy and not lift anything heavy.  After my first two, maybe three, local failed IVF transfers, I ordered myself to two days of full bed rest and we all know how that turned out.  So - the verdict on bed rest is still out in my opinion.  That said, I did follow CCRM's rules, though, and stayed put.  I kept myself busy with Netflix and have officially become obsessed with the show, Parenthood.  I was also pleasantly surprised by a call one afternoon from the manager of the hotel who was at the front desk letting me know that a package had arrived.  Nick went down to pick it up and came back to our room with something that put the biggest smile on my face - adorable mini bundt cakes from another one of my sweet blogging friends - someone who went through a similar journey as me at CCRM and who has been one of my biggest fans and supporters - someone who has truly shown me the ropes and whose friendship I will forever cherish.
And so now my bed rest is over.  I'm technically pregnant until I find out otherwise, which I am praying to God doesn't happen.  Normally I'd be one to test early - I'd have already stocked up on HPT's of all kinds just waiting on my bathroom vanity at home for me.  But this time, I don't have any HPT's and I don't know that I'll buy any, either.  I'm too scared for this to be over.  And while I still can't imagine this turning out any differently from how my five transfers have turned out in the past, I'm trying to hold onto whatever little bit of hope and faith that I still have deep inside of my heart.
 
We fly home tomorrow and that makes me depressed.  I want to stay here.  I don't want to go home.  I'm forever connected to Colorado and I don't want to leave.  And even though I'm praying that we don't have to come back here, ever, I hope that we will someday, to show our babies where they came from. 
 
Oh, and before I go - - - today while Nick is out golfing, I decided I needed a break from Parenthood so I did this:
(just a cut, though because of the lighting, it looks like I colored it) Six inches!  Because change is good.  And here's hoping that this trip is just the beginning to the biggest and best change of my life!

43 comments:

Stephanie said...

A) Parenthood is awesome! I swear that I cry at the end of every episode!

B) I LOVE your haircut! :)

C) I am glad that you decided to document your transfer! Good luck! My fingers are crossed that this results in a baby/babies for you! :)

Well-intentioned said...

Congratulations on being PUPO!!!
It's so nice to hear what a wonderful experience you guys have had in Colorado.
And I LOVE parenthood!!!! I savor that hour of TV every week!!!

the blogivers said...

You look beautiful, and I'm praying pregnancy is partly responsible for that :) thinking of you often and so hopeful for you, friend!!!

Aspgriswold said...

I love the show parenthood!!! Sending you so many positive thoughts!! Haircut is also adorable!

jAllen said...

I know you are mourning the loss of one of your embryos, but I am so happy that things went well during your transfer and will be sending you lots of luck that this is the one (or two!)

Aramis said...

This has to be it for you, sweetie. It just HAS to be. It's your turn, dammit. You've done enough. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blogs for a few weeks now and this one brought me to tears. My heart aches as i read this because i know what this feeling feels like and how badly you hope for a baby. Sending you lots of baby dust and praying for your little one/ones to stick :) keep smiling, you give me hope with your amazing bravery!

Amanda said...

I'm proud of you for posting, Aubrey! I know it takes a lot of guts to be honest with everyone during this emotional time. I'm still trying to process the loss of your embryo… mourning the loss with you, sweet friend! Wishing you safe travels home tomorrow and praying that you'll be returning to Colorado in the future for much happier occasions! Love you, Aubrey! HUGS!!!

Caroline said...

So glad you posted to fill us in! Thinking of you and praying for patience and peace while you wait. SUPER cute new hair cut, love it! xoxo

Sarah said...

Our little group of ccrm ladies are all thinking of you Aubrey-!

Nina S said...

Welcome home beautiful little embabies! Congratulations and good luck Aubrey!

Lisa {Amateur Nester} said...

Thank you for posting it! Seriously, it's such a comfort for those of us who are looking ahead to our first IVF to have some sort of idea of what it will be like. Fingers crossed for you!

Amber said...

I've been waiting to hear from you and wondering when transfer time was going to be!! So glad you decided to document it. Your hair looks very cute. I'm planning to cut several inches off mine soon too. I'm so crossing my fingers and praying for you. If anything, this post brings many, many prayers your way.

Melissa said...

I am praying praying praying for you!! Really hope this is it.

Your haircut is super cute!

Parenthood is my favorite!! SO GOOD!

Emily said...

Wishing you lots of luck Lady! And Embryos: stay put!

Emily said...

What a sweet post Aubrey! Thank you for sharing your transfer experience with us. Sorry to hear about the one embie not surviving, but so thankful you had another to use! You've done everything you possibly could now. Prayers for patience and sanity during this wait time!

Gypsy Mama said...

Thanks for sharing you experience with us :)

I watched Parenthood the whole time I was resting after my last transfer too!! Such a great show (I love Jasmine's wardrobe) Also love your new haircut!!

I will be sending you tons of sticky vibes!! xo

Mel said...

Aubrey, Nick and Babies....
Your all in my constant thoughts and prayers.

Praying for you this week as you go through the waiting.

I'm glad you liked the cakes.. yummy!

xxoo

bellehavendrive said...

How exciting! Oh Aubrey, I have so much hope for you girl! Your haircut is beautiful. :) And ... Colorado is an easy place to feel attached to. :)

JoJo said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. I will be praying for you, this has to be it. Those embabies look beautiful. Love the new haircut.

conceptionallychallenged said...

I'm so glad the CCRM journey gave you hope. Hope is so important (and sometimes so hard to find) when struggling with infertility.
I also understand not wanting to test because you'd rather cling onto the hope that it might have worked... I did the same. Hoping it will work for you, and that you have a take home baby in 9 months.

Lindsay Shadzi said...

Congrats on your transfer!!! Your embryos look beautiful. I'm so hopeful for you.. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!!

JenS said...

I have everything crossed for you! I really, really hope this is it for you.

Sally said...

Really really hoping this is it for you guys!!!!! xoxoxoxo praying praying praying

Janet Sainsbury said...

Congrats on bring PUPO! Wishing you the best of luck!!

rainbeforerainbow said...

Your hair looks great! As usual, I love all the pictures.
I'm crossing my fingers SO HARD for you!!!!

Christen said...

Ditto to what aramaris said. We are all praying for you!!!!

Anonymous said...

we had the same thing happen, a beautiful ccs normal did not survive the thaw... it is rare but it happens.
so hopeful for you... you did all that you could, now it is out of your hands... we all want this for you so much!

shay said...

Your hair looks so pretty! Love it!

Praying so hard your babies make it! xoxo!

ksirahsirah said...

Aubrey,
Oh my goodness- as I am a new follower, I did not realize that you were already at this point. I am happy to learn that transfer went well for you and I am praying for you. Love the new haircut, adorable. Looking forward to more updates!

Suzanne said...

Loving the cute hair!!! You look fantastic and so happy. Thrilled that you are finally PUPO!! I know what a fantastic feeling that is for you after all you've been through.

Hoping you've got lots to keep you busy these next few days to get you through until your beta. Lots of love coming your way! xoxo

dspence said...

Totally cute haircut! And - WOW! Look at the hatching!!! That's amazing! Praying for you.

Meanttobemommy said...

Thoughts and prayers to you! Very cute hair!

Lesley said...

Wishing you all the best.. I had a long story too, and finally became a mom going to CCRM. I'm from Florida.. I used donor eggs, and have no regrets.we have the perfect son:). If you google " fletcher family story" you can read about our trials. Gosh... I know the feelings. All of them. Good luck! Prayers and hugs.


Lesley

Anonymous said...

Reading this post brought back lots of memories for me. I was in Denver at the end of May and am now 27 weeks pregnant. Until I saw the first heartbeat I was a total wreck. It was the end of the road for me with OE and I hadn't begun to process what might come next so I had a lot riding on it. And it worked out for me.

You are super brave -- we all are just for going through it -- but you put all of this emotion and heart out into the world in such a fearless way. I admire you so much and wish you all the best. I'm hoping that CCRM worked their magic on you the way they have with so many others.

Mrs. Lost said...

Isn't it great being PUPO?! I will be praying and sending sticky thoughts your way!

Sarah said...

LOVE the new do. I've been considering chopping mine off and you might have just given me the inspiration!

Kimberly Q said...

how are you doing during this TWW? thinking of you!!

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

So much to comment. I love your hair. I know exactly how you feel about Colorado because I feel the same way. I'm so glad you've received so much support in blogland. Thinking about you everyday and hoping that your baby is settling in. Hugs!

Anonymous said...

I am praying that this cycle works for you
Karen

Amie said...

I just found your blog today and would like to add that I am praying for you as well!!

Anonymous said...

I remember seeing you the day of the ET at ccrm, in case you don't remember, I was the one really really sick that day :( I wish you the best and hope everything works out :) it's tough but we survived the 2ww! Xoxo

Freda Anzaroot said...

what made you go to CCRM from Boston? I hear they are opening a CCRM in NYC.
just curious how you found them and how you decided to go there?

 
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