Monday, June 10, 2013

My Cycle and My Weekend

Well... today is day 20 of my priming cyle and I still feel like it will never end.  CCRM sort of dictates this cycle and lengthens it to 31 days (normally I have a 28-29 day cycle).  I am still taking Estrace and testosterone gel nightly and am scheduled to add Prometrium twice daily this week.  I'll stop all meds on the 21st and then hopefully my next cycle will start not too soon thereafter.  My mind is racing with all that I have to do: book flight(s) (do I book a one-way or round trip, not knowing if my tentative retrieval date will be pushed out?), book hotel, book rental car, take vacation days from work, etc. etc. etc.  My company has confirmed training for the week of July 15th and I'm still unsure as to whether or not it will coincide with my retrieval.  I'm praying that it doesn't.  I have a few days lee-way, but IVF cycles for me in the past have always surprised me, so I don't expect this one to be any different.

I've felt really... off... for the past couple of weeks.  I'm thinking it has something to do with the meds.  Either that, or I'm just crazy, which could absolutely be the case these days.  I've been very emotional.  Very weepy.  Very sad.  But also, in a way, I've been really... distant.  It's weird.  This cycle, though I'm sad, I'm not over-thinking it.  I'm not researching and googling every med that I've been or will be taking.  I'm not scouring infertility boards for information about the protocol that I'm on.  I'm just doing it.  Taking what they tell me to take all the while, truthfully, letting all of my doubt seep in.  I'm thinking a lot about next steps if this doesn't work.  I'm not sure having a positive attitude makes any difference anymore. 

Because of my wish-washy feelings toward this cycle, I just don't have much else to say... or to share... so, with that, I'll leave you with documentation of my weekend.  My husband was away in Fort Lauderdale for a bachelor party.  My husband and his friends apparently don't believe a bachelor party is appropriately nor adequately celebrated if it doesn't include a trip on a plane, a beach, golf and any other extravagant thing you can think of.  It's pretty annoying.  But, that's ok, I get back at him by shopping too much and treating myself to spa days on those weekends :)  After I thoroughly exhausted myself by swiping my credit card way too much, and getting my nails did, I enjoyed the day at the pool yesterday napping and catching up on celebrity gossip (ugh, Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Seriously?!  So not fair!).
When Nick came home, we did what we do best on Sundays and got ice cream for dinner of course!
Chocolate chip cookie dough for him and the best ever cake batter with rainbow jimmies for me.  We tried a new ice cream shop and it did not disappoint!  There were actual chunks of vanilla cake in mine.  Yum!

Sadly, our fun ice cream dinner date was cut short by the official announcement of one of our friend's pregnancy (#2) announcement.  Even though we both knew that this announcement was coming, it still was hard... for both of us.  It's always hard... no matter what.  I hate you, infertility!

21 comments:

JenS said...

I think I felt the same way as you going in to my last IVf. Distant is a good way to describe it. I didn't have much hope and was mostly going through the motions. Keeping everything crossed for you and hope that this new protocol does the trick.
And sorry about the pregnancy announcement. I always seemed to get them in the middle of cycles without fail.

the blogivers said...

All I have to say is I'm glad you were in the process of consuming ice cream when you got your friend's news... hopefully that at least softened the blow a little bit! Thanks for updating us. Praying!

Gypsy Mama said...

It's hard to plan flights around an IVF schedule isn't it? I wonder how often people's retrieval actually falls on the scheduled day...

I think the fact that you are not scouring the internet for information and anecdotes is a sign that you've now joined our club of infertility veterans. I am so sorry you've been feeling down and I hope you get your BFP very soon!

p.s. your hair looks great that colour! xo

Amanda said...

I think we're in the same boat Aubrey… you pretty much summed up my feelings on this cycle. If one more person tells me to stay positive, I may explode. So how about this: lets just be positive for each other, okay? Good.

I may need to get in on ice cream for dinner… this sounds like it's just my style!

kharini said...

I love your pics and good for you for at least trying to have a good time while hubby is away! I had no idea about Jennifer Love Hewitt, whatever!

In my experience, positive or negative has absolutely no impact during IVF. Feel whatever you want and hopefully your cycle will fall on a day different than your training, fingers crossed, you don't need any added stress.

I don't know how you are flying but all my trips to CCRM I did on Southwest because of the no penalty for changing flights. Loved that about them. And always did the early bird registration so I didn't have to try to remember to print my boarding pass right at the 24 hour mark.

I'm sure part of the way you are feeling is due to the meds. Estrogen going up usually means weeping, at least for me.

I'm wishing you the absolute best Aubrey!

Team Harries said...

Glad you had a good and relaxing weekend! Gotta make the most of the hubs being out of town! That ice cream sure looks delish! I know the weekend didn't end with the easiest news to hear, but glad your hubs was back home when you found out! Prayers for you sweet girl!

nogoodeggs said...

Good to hear from you! Gorgeous nail and delish ice cream! Do you and your girls do these elaborate bachelorette trips too? I may be doing one in Vega in Sept (IVF schedule permitting) and I went to one in Napa which was awesome!

I am not surprised you are feeling distant from the IVF protocol. Seams normal after time. At first it is so weird and new and interesting. By now it must feel like old hat. Even my second one felt...boring....compared to the first.

Thinking about you often during thus cycle!

lo @ crazy ever after said...

I had a friend's husband announce their second child's impending arrival on his birthday. Their first won't be 1 until the end of July. That doesn't make me bitter at all.

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

Just catching up on blogs! I'm in a funk too. Blah. Your toes look cute. The sun is my friend. Ice cream is divine. Infertility is an ugly, fat b*tch! There. I said it. :)

Christen said...

I love your tradition of ice cream for dinner! You two are the cutest!

So sorry to hear that you had to deal with another pregnancy announcement of a friend (especially #2). That certainly is rough to hear and have to deal with. Praying for you guys

rainbeforerainbow said...

Ice cream for dinner sounds amazing. Especially when dealing with another pregnancy announcement. Ugh. I hope you'll have your very own announcement coming up soon!

Aramis said...

I think it's normal to be distant after so much disappointment. Actually, being detached would be nice for my next cycle...at least it would be better than constant stress and worrying! Love your ice cream for dinner tradition. We may have to start that in our house!

Erika said...

I'm glad you treat yourself when Nick's away on extravagant bachelor weekends! Ridic!! And I think it's good that you have some emotional distance from this cycle. And normal. And I'm trying to hold onto some hope for you, so don't worry. I got your back. :)

Emily said...

I am feeling you on this one. Distant. Check! I also have a Nick who gravitates to friends who like extravagant bachelor parties! WTF! A week in Cabo does not qualify as a bachelor party...that's a full blown vacation! Cheering you on for this cycle!

Melissa said...

I totally get the distant thing. Praying for you, girl!!

JoJo said...

When they're away the shopping begins. LOL! Or when theyre near...best therapy! I love that you guys have that sunday tradition of ice cream. Who gets tired of ice cream? Glad you are just going with the flow and not consulting Dr Google. Pregnancy announcements are hard to bare. Everytime someone says Guess What?? I immediately think someone is pregnant.

Emily said...

OMG cake batter ice cream with chunks of vanilla cake in it? Sign me up for that dinner!

Glad to hear you aren't going nuts researching your protocol. One thing I'm realizing with IVF is that there are just so many more protocols than there could ever be for IUI and that it can be maddening to try to compare notes with every other woman. Not even a point in doing that. You are in good hands...the best!

Oh, btw...Southwest has a lot of flights into Denver and they have a zero fee flight change policy. Maybe worth looking into booking through them if possible, because you can book a round trip and then just change the return trip if needed.

Suzanne said...

What a fabulous looking weekend you had! I'm so jealous!

I'm with Emily, check the Southwest flights to Denver. That's what we were able to get good rates on for our ODWU in a few weeks. Loved that if we cancel for any reason, there is no penalty. (and no baggage fees!)

Well-intentioned said...

Great pics and your weekend looks like it was amazing. I completely agree with you about feeling "meh" about this cycle. I described it as an emotional coma. Maybe it's a good thing (?) Sending positive thoughts your way.

Em said...

Oh Aubrey! I'm so sorry that this cycle has been tough - physically, emotionally, all of the above. Sorry about the pregnancy announcement too. Nothing like stealing the joy out of a perfect ice cream cone. )-: As always, praying for success for you this cycle.

Also, your toe polish is very cute. Love that color - the perfect red.

Amber said...

Blame it all on the meds. It's a good excuse, and I truly believe the source of all your crazy emotions. Outside of that, OMGoodness, your cake batter ice cream looks AMAZING! I want some. Now.

 
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