Friday, October 26, 2012

(Un)Deleted

You may have noticed (not that I have many followers... so actually, maybe no one really noticed other than my Mom...) that recently I deleted my Blog.  T'is true.  I can't even believe I'm about to write the following words, but here goes...  I found out on Monday, October 22nd, that I had another failed IVF (IVF #3). 

I'm numb...

Give me a second...

Just saying writing that leaves me speechless and somewhat thoughtless.  I will share the full story and details of secret cycle IVF #3 in a later post, but today I wanted to officially un-delete my Blog and I felt that in doing so, I should comment on why I deleted Two Hearts and One Dream to begin with...

On Monday afternoon, my world came crashing down around me (again).  My hopes and my dreams were instantly shattered.  Another piece of my heart became forever broken.  I was (and am) angry.  I was (and am) sad.  I was (and am) devastated.  I wanted to instantly forget every single thing about my infertility journey.  I wanted someone to take away my pain and the excruciatingly bad memories that have become ingrained in my mind and have truly become a part of me.  I didn't want to think about this anymore.  I didn't want to be reminded of the constant pain that I've come to endure day in and day out.  So, with that, I deleted my Blog.  I felt good about my decision for a couple of days while I covered my teary, swollen, blood-shot eyes (lots of tears this time people... lots and lots and lots of tears...) with steamy hot face cloth compresses.  But, yesterday I mentioned what I had done to my husband.  His immediate response was "so, I'll never get to read it now?" (my husband is not one of my few blog followers).  I sort of felt bad about that, so I logged back into my Blog on Blogger and saw the "undelete" button that was only a click away...  Today I clicked that button and I'm glad I did.

While the pain is still very, very raw, I'm reminded that sharing my feelings, thoughts, fears, worries, hope and faith (yes, even though secret cycle IVF #3 failed, I still do have hope and faith - God's amazing like that, I guess) is just a little part of what has helped me to move forward.  I'm able to vent and be real here.  I don't have to worry that someone might take what I say the wrong way (well, I actually always worry that someone will take something I say (or write) the wrong way... it's just who I am), but for the most part, this is my outlet.  This is where I can come to truly express how I feel and as you probably know - most of the time, the way I feel is negative - I express my hurt and anger  as well as my envy and jealousy regularly on my Blog.  But I do feel a little better after purging those emotions.  And that helps me to continue on... to put one foot in front of the other and to make it through another day. 

I quickly realized that I can't forget - or delete -  my journey of infertility.  I'm still (sadly and unfairly) in the throes of this chapter in my life.  I need Two Hearts and One Dream to help me to move forward.  Because that's all I can do.  I'm not giving up (we meet with our doctor on Wednesday).  My future miracle baby needs me to push through this.  And that is what I'm going to do.

3 comments:

Angie said...

Aubrey, I'm so sorry to hear about your cycle. I found your blog after my third cycle failed in early September. I have to say, being able to read what you've written has done a lot for me. You're able to put into words all the feelings I haven't been able to express myself. Thanks for doing what you do, and just know that somewhere out there is at least one stranger who can understand your heart and is wishing the very best for you.

Aubrey Blair said...

Thank you for your comment, Angie. And for helping me to realize that this Blog is better un-deleted :). I am so sorry that you had a third failed cycle, too. It truly is devastating. I pray that you've determined next steps and wish you the very best with a positive outcome soon!

Angie said...

Thanks, Aubrey. I am about to do an FET (transfer next week, hopefully). I've had 3 fresh and 1 frozen cycle, all BFNs, with no reason why. The embryos look great, my uterus looks great, but nothing happens. When I found your blog, I was basically looking for any hope at all -- like, how does anyone keep going in the face of this?? Even your "ranting" posts have made me feel better. :) It's good to know I'm not alone in my hopes and struggles. I hope your doc has some ideas for you at your appt next Wednesday. I'll be looking forward to reading about whatever you decide to do next, if you decide to keep posting. Again, I'm very sorry about your cycle. Infertility completely sucks. ::hug::

 
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