Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Scarlett Letter of Infertility

warning: I'm bitter...

The past week or so has been rough for me.  Really rough.  While it's been 2 1/2 weeks since I officially learned IVF #1 failed, for some reason I still feel like I'm in the throughs of hearing that news and trying to deal with the devastating let-down.  I've tried to move forward, taking one step at a time, but lately taking those steps forward has been arduous!  I'm learning that the devastating blow from May 7th, isn't out of my system. I.AM.NOT.OVER.IT! 

That said - time is a blessing and it keeps moving forward, pushing me along as it ticks on... Although, while I'm (trying but, perhaps not so successfully) moving forward, it seems as if the people who knew about IVF #1 feel the urge to talk about it WITH ME!!!  Now, I understand that while some people may think it's awkward to not say anything at all (therefore, saying something that probably doesn't come out right), others truly want to express their sorrows for me.  Perhaps some day I will understand this a bit more and will eventually be thankful for others' comments (which, deep down I know truly does stem from their care and concern for me), but right now - Reminder: See warning above. I'm bitter. - I don't want your pity and sorrow.  Believe me, I have enough of that for myself!!!!  What's interesting though, is that people's pity and sorrow seems to follow me around (Now, this could be because I'm now only just seeing the people that know about failed IVF #1, or, there is the possibility that it's all in my head.  For my sanity's sake, I'm going with the former!).  Honestly though, lately I feel as if I'm Hester from The Scarlett Letter, only instead of wearing the letter "A", I'm wearing a big fat "I" for Infertile.  I swear, it draws people to me... and these people just tend to say the dumbest things... For example:

DP (dumb people): Hiiiiii!!!!! You look FANTAAAASTIC!!!!
Me: Oh, thanks.
My head: Thanks I feel like sh**!! I've gained weight, my clothes don't fit and it's NOT because I'm pregnant. Thanks for the reminder though!

DP: Howwww are youuuu doinnnnggg (In a whispered, hushed and drawn out tone as if to say "I'm soooo sorry for you..")?
Me: I'm OK.
My head: I'm HORRIBLE. Thanks for the reminder though!

Those are my two favorites.  And after those pitiful conversations is when I really feel like my Scarlett "I" is shining bright for the whole wide world to see.

I have a couple of weddings to attend this weekend and to be completely and utterly honest with you - I'm dreading them (in a completely selfish sort of way).  First reason being because I've gained weight, my clothes don't fit and I feel horrible about myself - mentally and physically.  Second reason being, and perhaps this is the more lump-in-my-throat reason of the two, I would have sworn that I was going to be pregnant for these weddings.  You see, events throughout the year tend to be marked in your calendar early on.  After my ET, I spent the weekend with my parents in Connecticut (DH was away and I needed my mom to give me my PIO injections).  I was filled with SUCH an enormous amount of hope.  I knew of these upcoming weddings and went dress shopping with my mom.  While in the fitting room, I mentally (heck! there was nothing mental about this - my mom and I had IN-DEPTH conversations about this!) chose the dresses that, while beautiful and were ones I loved, had some "give" to them in the abdomen area.  Granted, I knew that had my pregnancy test turned out to be positive, I would not be showing AT ALL at this point - but these dresses would surely mask the bloating.  Now that I'm not pregnant (ugh, I hate saying that!), the last two dresses on the face of the Earth that I want to wear this weekend are the ones I bought that day.  So, now that I don't want to wear the dresses with the "give" in the abdomen area, I'm left to wear ones that hug my every curve (and flab) and leave me to feel even more large (dresses that fit me to the tee only a year ago, prior to being doped up on every hormonal medication known to God that causes bloating, weight gain and every other pregnancy symptom there is, without the actual pregnancy!).

Ok... I'm reeling myself back in... Tonight is my last night of the BCP.  Tomorrow morning I have my suppression check (blood and an ultrasound - to confirm no cysts).  Tomorrow marks the beginning of IVF #2, of literally being attached to my cell phone constantly awaiting doctors' calls, of giving myself shots 4x per day, of being doped up on even more hormones and of probably feeling more looney than I do now (!!), and finally, of constant worrying until my pregnancy test.  I don't know if I can handle this....

Praying for no cysts tomorrow, a flat, un-bloated tummy for the wedding on Friday and most importantly for the strength to continue to move forward, taking one step at a time.

Aubrey Blair

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