Day 3 Blood, You Stress Me Out!

My mom came up for a visit this weekend and it was so nice to have her here.  In addition to helping me get so much organized at my house (and shopping and eating), she came with me yesterday morning to a local hospital for my day 3 blood work.

We got to the hospital, I registered at the front desk and then we walked down to the blood lab.  We walked in and took a seat in the waiting room.  Just my luck, an episode of Friends was on the TV.  Great, right?  Wrong... this was the episode where Monica and Chandler's surrogate gave birth to their twins.  Seriously?!  I can't escape pregnancies.  They are EVERYWHERE... except in MY uterus!  Anyway, I digress... I placed my shipping kit on the seat next to me (I brought the entire kit just in case... what if the Phlebotomist wanted/needed to see it??) and waited my turn.  Blood draws don't bother me in the least at this point...  A quick pinch and a few moments later I was done...

I walked back into the waiting room and did just that... waited... with my mom for my blood to clot so that it could be spun.  Twenty or thirty minutes later, and after a few selfies (please disregard our appearance... we woke up to a water main break at the end of my street and weren't able to shower - don't worry, we brushed our teeth with bottled water, though!), we were ready to go... with my vial of blood (er, plasma?) in hand.  Honestly, if someone had told me a couple of years ago that I'd be driving around with my endometrial lining and then my blood (plasma?) only a week later, in my front seat, I'd have laughed at them...  But, this is my life.  Ugh.

When we got home, I put my blood (is it blood at this point, or just plasma?!  Mom, please help here!) in the freezer and then got to stressing out about actually shipping it to CCRM.  Day 3 blood is stressful!  My plan is to leave work early today so that I can be sure to get home in time to package everything up in the shipping kit (which sounds much easier than I'm sure it will be...) and make it to FedEx prior to their last pick up at 6 p.m.  Wow, I'm stressed!  Wish me luck...

...And please pray for good results.  I'll just die if my FSH result comes back higher than my highest-ever of 18.6.

BETA 3 Results

I spoke to my nurse at CCRM this afternoon and she had already received my results from Innovative Reproductive Solutions.  Aaannnnnd... the BETA 3 integrins are present in my lining.  They are not missing.  I, indeed, have "the sticky stuff" required for an embryo or two, or, in my case - eleven - to implant.

Sigh.

And so, with that news, came a whole heck of a lot of worry this evening.  The possibility that our issue is, and has been, genetically lethal embryos is... well, it's devastating.  Heartbreaking.  And scary.  My goodness, is it scary.  Many thoughts have entered my mind since speaking to my nurse this afternoon... should we even go through with this?  Should we empty our savings account for the (pretty big) possibility of yet another failure?  Should we give up on a baby with both of our genes?  Should we move on to another option for expanding our family?

I've asked myself all of those questions tonight.  I've asked Nick all of those questions tonight.  We've gone over and over and then over again those very questions to the point of exhaustion.  And every single time our answers are the same.  Yes.  Yes.  No.  No.  Yes, we should go through with this.  Yes, we should empty our savings account, even though there is the (pretty big) possibility of yet another failure.  No, we should not give up on having a baby with both of our genes.  And, no, we should not move on to another option... yet.  

A part of me is a little bit thankful to know that my uterus is officially not the problem and that another piece to this puzzle of ours has been solved today.

I am not giving up on my miracle baby.

I am still praying...

Endometrial Biopsy Take Two

I just got home from my doctor's appointment.  Silly me forgot to take ibuprofen before my appointment and so now my body absolutely hates me.  Of all the infertility procedures I've had in the past two years, the endometrial biopsy is the one that hurts me the most.  I've only had one before today's and I'm hoping that I'll never need to have one again... ever.  I'm glad it's over, that's for sure!

I'll start by saying that I was just like a fish out of water as I sat in the waiting area at my ObGyn's office waiting to be called back for my procedure.  Aside from the very elderly woman (probably there for her annual exam) (who told the young woman sitting next to her that she has six children), everyone there either had an infant with them or a ginormously round belly to sport.  Of course, this sorority of women were conversing and sharing stories of labor & delivery, nursing and hospital tours.  I sat there ashamed, embarrassed and more uncomfortable than I've ever felt before.  I wanted, so badly, to run out of there, but I knew I couldn't.  I also wanted to ask the receptionist to hang fliers about National Infertility Awareness Week.  Let's face it, many women battling infertility still have to be seen at their ObGyn's office.  I can't help but to wonder if the woman in the waiting room with the giant stomach, who is due on Saturday, would have lessened her dramatic "I caaaaaaannnnnnnnnn't waaaaaaaaaaaaait to be done with this pregnancy!" talk, had she seen a flier about those who aren't in her shoes... and who so long and wish to be... Maybe, right?

The Nurse Practitioner at my ObGyn's office performed my biopsy and it was very... sad.  You see, about a year after trying to conceive on our own before turning to medical professionals for help, I initially met with this same NP.  She quickly turned me over to my local RE after seeing my first-ever FSH result (which was 10, at the time).  Being in that office today made me realize just how much I've been through in the past two years.  It's excruciating to think about, really.  The NP was wonderful today, though - she was very comforting and empathetic.  Before performing the biopsy, she did a quick check of my uterus and said "wow, you have such a nice uterus" - I kid you not, those words absolutely came out of her mouth.  Two years into infertility treatment consisting of 3 IUI's, 4 IVF's and 1 FET, I seem to have somehow developed a sense of humor about it all.  I responded to this weird comment about my uterus by saying yeah, well, here's hoping my 'nice' uterus will be of use someday! Ha ha ha".  OK, that's not really funny.  I take that back.  Two years of infertility treatment hasn't made me funny at all. 

Anyway... the biopsy itself killed, as expected, and two hours later I'm still just as crampy as I was when laying on the table having some of my endometrial lining scraped out of me.  Not fun.  But, it's over and for that I'm thankful!  The sweet NP hugged me and wished me lots of luck after she packaged up my lining so I could take it with me (seriously, I took my lining with me).  I then drove (with a piece of my endometrial lining in the front seat) to a FedEx drop-off location and this is where we parted ways.  My lining is off to be checked for the BETA 3 integrin.  If missing, then this could possibly be why I haven't been the slightest bit pregnant five transfers later (the BETA 3 integrin is a protein that assists with implantation).

I initially chose to move forward with the BETA 3 test because I want to rule out anything I can that may have restricted me from becoming pregnant in the past.  I also want to move forward with my next cycle having as much information under my belt as I possibly can.  My doctors (neither locally nor at CCRM) did not recommend this test for me.  Rather, I researched and ordered it for myself (prior to my ODWU at CCRM).  While at CCRM a couple of weeks ago, I let my doctor know that I'd be having the test.  He was totally on board with it and agrees that anything I can do to rule something out is a positive.  But, as I think about getting the results of this test, I'm a bit worried.  You see, if my results come back showing that I have sufficient BETA 3 in my lining, then that's not the issue.  That wouldn't be what is causing implantation to fail.  So, in that case, I'll be left to believe that it's something else... something else as in: lethally fatal embryos (these are the exact words of Dr. S).  Now, this wouldn't be for certain, but it would be a huge possibility.  We've already decided that we will definitely do CCS genetic testing on any embryos that we get from our cycle with CCRM.  And to be honest, I don't know how I would process having no genetically normal embryos.  It would, for sure, be a huge punch in the gut - the possibility that my eggs and Nick's sperm can't produce a genetically normal-enough embryo to implant, to develop into a life... ugh, that just paralyzes me.  But... I can't go there.  Not yet, at least. 

I'm not really sure what to even pray for at this point... Good results showing a sufficient amount of BETA 3 in my lining, or bad results, showing not enough BETA 3 in my lining?  I'm at a loss.  And so, with that, I'm going to dry my eyes and get back to working from home... and snuggling Belle... and trying not to think about what will be...

Join the Movement...

National Infertility Awareness Week couldn't have come at a better time. I've experienced significant writer's block as I await all of my test results from CCRM (spoiler alert: my AMH results came back at 0.7.  I'm not surprised, but I'm bummed... more on this later, though).

So, with that, as we start the week off on this beautiful Sunday, I know that all of my fellow infertiles are aware of "our" week.  My hope though, is more for those of you who may be reading and who have been so lucky not to have had to venture down the lonely, depressing and very sad road of infertility, that you'll think of us this week.

As you lay your sweet baby down for a nap or for what you hope will be a peaceful night's sleep, think of us.  As you comfort your sweet baby who awakes crying, think of us.  And as your sweet baby tests your patience, increasing your frustration... please, think of us...

...and support us.  Because, believe me... we need it. 

Source for all photos: www.resolve.org

Boston, You're My Home

After a week of tragedy, anxiety and un-rest, I've never been more proud to be a Bostonian. I'm equally as sad for all that was lost on Monday and today, though.

So thankful tonight for what I hope will be a peaceful night's sleep.

Amen.

Boston

I'm thankful to have worked from home today.

And, I'm thankful that my husband, my co-workers and my friends are all safe.

I'm sad for those who aren't, though.

And, I'm sad for my city.

Happy Patriot's Day

Patriot's Day is a holiday that's celebrated in Massachusetts on the third Monday in April every year.  The holiday commemorates the anniversary of the first battles of the American Revolutionary War.  Also on Patriot's Day, though, is the infamous Boston Marathon.  Beginning last week, more and more visitors made their way to Boston and thanks to the thousands of runners, I declared a work from home day today!  If you're not running or if you don't have the day off from work to watch at the finish line, then you don't want to be anywhere near the city of Boston today.  Hence why I'm snuggled on the couch with Belle watching on TV (I'm working, too - even though Nick thinks any time I work from home that I have the day off, which is beyond annoying!). 

Anyhow, if I were running today - which, let's face it... there's no way in H-E double hockey sticks that I'd ever run 26.2 miles, especially not now when dealing with infertility (oh, and also because I can barely run a (yes, one) mile!).  I'll happily stick to my low-impact barre workout classes for now (well, until my stim cycle, when I have to forgo all exercise completely).  But, if I were running, I'd surely be sporting these:

Yay - my new FAITH Nikes.  I'll take a reminder to have faith any time I can these days, so my new sneaks are perfect for my non-running self right about now!