Monday, March 23, 2015

An Update

After almost three months since my last post, I really don't even know how, or where to begin... Many of you have reached out asking me for an update, and I feel so guilty that I've been so absent.  I still struggle with blogging, and whether or not I want to continue with it at all.  Every time I think about sharing a final post, something stops me.  So, as I work to figure out where I'm headed as a blogger, here's an update:

First things first.  I'm still pregnant.  In fact, I'm 23 weeks pregnant as of Monday!  I still wake up every day and go to bed every night in complete astonishment.  I still feel like a medical mystery.  It makes no sense.  The only answer is God.  Wow, is He good!  For those of you who are not in touch with me on social media, you wouldn't know that Baby #3 is a GIRL (!!!).  And, so far, she is as healthy as can be, Praise the Lord!  I have been being seen by an MFM at a local hospital, who has been following me for the K cell antibody issue that I last posted about.  We believe, at this point, that the baby is not kell positive, based on my monthly blood draws to test for my titer levels (the last two months my titers were undetected).  I will continue to be monitored, and with that, will continue to say lots of prayers.  I've just started to feel this little ones' kicks and I truly love every single thing about them - I have a feeling she is going to be a feisty little girl!  A lot of people have asked me how it feels to be pregnant with one baby this time, compared to how it felt to be pregnant with two.  Honestly - I don't really feel much of a difference.  If you can believe it, I look just as big this time (maybe even bigger), and have felt just as sick, tired, and worn out.  I often think to myself that, for me, the saying is true that baby girls steal their mamas' beauty.  Ha!  Oh!  And for those who might be wondering, baby girl has a name....

Finley Faith
Now on to the two sweetest little boys who made me a Mommy.  My little guys are 9.5 months old!  It's unbelievable how much they've grown.  They are truly, the most amazing little people I've ever known.  Raising two babies at once is.... interesting.  It's hard, that's for sure - but it's so fun to see their interactions.  I swear my guys only interact when we're not watching them.  That's when they giggle and laugh at one another, and it just melts my whole entire heart.  I can't wait to see their relationship grow as they do.  My boys make me question myself  I often wonder if I'm a good mom?  Am I doing the right things?  Could I do better for them?  Could I BE better for them?  Life has been complete chaos the past few months: moving from one state to another, living with my parents, returning to work full-time, finding out I'm pregnant again, moving into our new house.... Throughout all of that, my little guys have done remarkably well.  They're quite attached to me - and I have to admit I secretly love it!  We have just introduced a nanny into their lives, who will begin watching them three days a week in May.  Then beginning in June, just before their first birthday, they will head off to daycare two days a week (we are trying to lessen Papa Tank's load as he has so graciously offered to watch Finley for us when I return back to work in the Fall from maternity leave) (yes, I'm going back to work after baby #3.  No I'm not entirely thrilled about it, but it is what it is.  At least this time I know it's actually doable.  I suppose.).  It's been interesting seeing the boys with someone else.  They haven't been exposed to many people, given that I work from home and my dad has been watching them for us.  Though they can be a little timid at first, they're quite the flirts.  I may be in big trouble come their high school years!

As for me.... life is crazy.  But, it's wonderful.  It's a life that I so wanted and said many prayers for over the course of many years.  But it's truly beyond my wildest dreams.  I still have difficulty finding time for showers, or to even run out to the grocery store.  I find myself headed to bed within minutes of putting the boys down for the night at 7 p.m.  I can't remember the last time Nick and I sat down for dinner together.  Most days I wear no make-up, work in my pajamas, and have bags under my eyes so dark that it looks like I got punched in the face while I was sleeping.  Sometimes Austin looks at me in astonishment and wonder on the days that I actually do wear make-up, almost as if he can't understand why I look different on those days- ha!  Oh, and I even found a few gray hairs on my head last week (time to go back to blonde?!).  Though the days can be long, the months are flying by at lightning speed.  I try to grab ahold of each moment that I can with my two little babies who are soon to be big brothers.  My family and I often remark how just a year and a half ago, none of us could have imagined this.... I am, without a doubt, one of the luckiest mamas in the entire world.  How did it happen?!  I'll never know....
So, with that, I'll sign off here.... hoping to be back sooner than another three months passes.  If not, though, know that I'm following and reading along in each of your journeys, praying and cheering all of you on.  I love you all for sticking around, YOU are my reason for not letting this little space of mine go away just yet.
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