Tuesday, September 25, 2012


Well, another month has passed without any exciting news to announce.  I'm numb.

29 reasons why 29 is my least favorite number...
  1. My cycle is 29 days.
  2. On every 29th day, I've only ever received bad news. 
  3. I've never not (yes, I know this is a double negative, but when you feel like someone has sucker-punched you in the gut for the millionth time in a row, grammar rules are allowed to be thrown out the window) been graced with AF's presence on the 29th day.
  4. I have never seen two pink lines on the 29th day (nor have I on any other day before, or after, the 29th day for that matter) (I swear it's impossible that two pink lines even exist).
  5. Today, being the 29th day of my cycle, I woke up to a BBT that plummeted.  Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed!
  6. The 29th day undoubtedly brings upon tears. 
  7. Lots of tears.
  8. If the 29th day is a weekday (such as today), I end up running late for work due to said tears.  My biggest pet peeve is being late.
  9. After tears have been shed, I move on to the next stage of grief: anger.
  10. In the midst of my anger, I start (loudly) rambling on about all the things we're (in my distorted opinion) "doing wrong".  For example: WHY DO WE LIVE IN A HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS OF BOSTON IF WE HAVE ROOMS THAT WE WILL NEVER FILL?!?!?!?  WE SHOULD JUST PICK UP AND MOVE INTO THE CITY SOMEWHERE!  HECK, LET'S PICK UP AND MOVE TO A CITY FAR AWAY - WITHOUT KIDS, WHO CARES WHERE WE ARE!
  11. My comments shouted in a fit of rage, in turn, (naturally) upsets my husband.
  12. My upset husband is now also running late for work.
  13. Cue the tears (again).
  14. Cramps (thanks for the reminder that I'm not pregnant, again, AF).
  15. Not knowing how I'll make it through the day...
  16. ...Or the next 29 days for that matter.
  17. On the 29th day, in pretty much an instant, my hope is lost...
  18. ...my faith is buried...
  19. ...and my heart is swollen with hurt.
  20. On the 29th day, I'm instantly worried about what the next 29th day will bring.
  21. On the 29th day, I eventually figure out how to put one foot in front of the other and get through my daily responsibilities and tasks at work, but every few minutes a wave of pain washes over me and I'm brought back to the very feeling I felt the second I woke up to a temperature of 96.8.
  22. My swollen eyes that sting with every blink they take.
  23. Have I mentioned those unwanted cramps?
  24. The feeling of shame.  There I said it.  A part of me feels ashamed that I'm (so far) un-fit and unable to get pregnant.
  25. Do I call CCRM now to schedule my ODW?
  26. Will God EVER answer our prayers?
  27. Why me? 
  28. Why us?
  29. And most of all, the reason that 29 is my least favorite number is because on the 29th day of my cycle, I'm left with feeling scared.  Scared that I won't ever become a Mom to my own child.  Scared that I'll never truly feel happy again.  Scared that no one can take this pain away from me.  Scared that my life will forever feel unfulfilled.
Today I'm praying that tomorrow comes quickly and that I awake with a newfound sense of hope and faith and with the strength to somehow start this cycle yet again. 

1 comment:

Mary said...

You know I have read all your blogs, many of them more than once. I have hesitated to comment for fear of not saying the "right" thing. I think it's time that I do comment. I just want you to know that even if I don't say anything about what you are going through, I want you to know that I have you in my thoughts and prayers on a daily basis. I love you with all my heart. There are no words that can describe how I ache for you both. May God grant you some peace thru this painful journey. 143.

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