I Love It Here

We arrived in Colorado on Thursday afternoon and I just love it here!  Colorado feels so clean and new to me.  Everyone appears to be healthy and happy.  It's beautiful and in a weird way, I sort of feel at home here.  

After my appointment at CCRM yesterday morning (my right ovary seems to not want to respond much at all, but I have 8-10 follicles that are making up for it on my left side), we headed over to Tinsley Trail for an early morning hike/walk.  The view of the mountains from pretty much anywhere you are in this state, is just amazing to me.

After our hike/walk, we headed back to the hotel for breakfast and I added to the 5lbs I've already gained from infertility meds this cycle by consuming a ridiculous waffle with a giant dollop of whipped cream.  I then treated myself to a manicure and pedicure while Nick golfed and then we relaxed for the rest of the day by the pool.  It was a great day.  BUT, the greatest part of my day?  That was when we walked into our hotel room last night after visiting friends of ours from college who live in Colorado Springs.  We walked into our room and there were two beautiful bouquets of flowers from two of my best blogging friends, Amanda and Suzanne.  I truly couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking about how lucky I am to have met such amazing women throughout my ordeal with infertility.  While infertility has been the absolute worst part in my journey throughout life so far, this horrible season has also blessed me, beyond measure, with some of the most caring, loving and supportive friends that there are.  And for that, I am lucky.  Truly lucky.

What I've Been Up To and 31

I've completely neglected my blog lately, but I have a few reasons... 1.) there's just not much more I can say about infertility and how it makes me feel (pretty darn horrible).  I've hit (yet again) another severe writer's block because of this.  And, while I do have lots of thoughts that enter my mind about infertility, it's just too exhausting and emotional to come and share them all here sometimes.  2.) I've been B-U-S-Y.  Mostly it's been because of my new job.  It's in-sane, people.  Just insane.  I guess on the one hand, being busy with work is a good thing... a good distraction.  But, on the other hand, my new job leaves me in tears almost every night of the week, so that's the not-so-good-at-all part about it...  And 3.) I started my sixth (so sad) IVF cycle.  We leave for Colorado late next week.  I started my lupron injections this morning and already had one cry fest in the car after my barre workout class this morning.  Though, that could have been because it's my birthday today (and my sweet husband's too!), and that just brings upon lots of sadness.  I've never been a big birthday person anyway, but annual celebrations just aren't fun anymore.  And they're not really very happy, either.  Like, not at all. 

So, to divert my attention away from entering my thirty-first year of life sans a baby bump today, I'll share a little of what I've been up to while not blogging! 

We had my sweet niece's second birthday party a few weeks ago.  She referred to herself as a princess the entire day and I loved it.  I kept asking her if she's a big girl now and she would say "Noooo!  I uh princess!".  Adorable.  I might steal her.  Kidding... Kind of.

I've been spending too much money.  Way too much money.  But, after a few really long weeks at work, and tears almost every night for the past... I don't even know how long... a little too much retail therapy is necessary.  Luckily, I have a cute sister to share in the destruction of bank accounts.  I'm a bad influence. 

My new job is focused on pro-active client meetings, so naturally I'm out of the office quite frequently.  But, when I'm not on the road meeting with people, I can work at home.  In fact, working from home is encouraged, which has actually been a little difficult for me to get used to... but do you know what hasn't been difficult to get used to?  Spending more time with my little love.  She's so happy when I'm home all day with her.  She even helped me with my work a couple of weeks ago (I was probably down the hall crying or something, so Belle took over!):

My sister, her boyfriend, and Nick and I got pool memberships this summer at a local marina.  And it has been heavenly (minus the loud kids who frequent the pool and who scream, splash and basically break every rule that the place has!  And the parents of those maniacs are even more annoying!).  

 And lastly, while I don't want to celebrate my own... I had a blast celebrating my mom's birthday with her last weekend.  We spent the morning shopping, the afternoon at the pool and the evening having a great dinner together.  Happy Birthday, again, Mom! 

And that's all... I'm all caught up!  And now I'm off to finish this work week with hopefully no more tears today... And with lots of prayers for good things (actually, just one good thing will do!) to come in my thirty-first (ugh) year!

My Six Questions

My friend, Sarah, tagged me in a recent blog post... I was instructed to choose six questions and then answer them.  Since my blogging has been sparse lately (to say the least), I figured this would be a great opportunity to get back in the swing of things!

1. My favorite beauty secret or product:

This little tube of amazing-ness is my go-to beauty product.  I've been wearing this under eye concealer for YEARS.  But ever since infertility meds have bestowed upon me some awful discoloration under my eyes, I've developed a whole new love affair with this concealer.  If I go make-up-less, I still always sport this under eye concealer.

2.  A personal trial that I've had to overcome:
Infertility, infertility, infertility.  The only thing is that, clearly, I haven't overcome this trial... yet.

3.  A current dream I'm hoping to achieve:
Becoming a Mom.  And buying Nick one of these for his car:

I can't stand these signs, but Nick has always said (pre-infertility) that he would absolutely buy one for his car someday.  At this point, if there really is a baby on board one day, then I'll appease Nick.  I'd do anything for there to be a baby on board!

4.  Who inspires me?

My Nana.  She is the best.  Honestly, just the.best.  My Nana is kind, caring, strong and funny.  She has always been a part of my life, and I am so, so lucky.

5.  My favorite picture and why:

My honeymoon pictures are my favorite pictures that I have.  Why?  Because, that's the very last time I can remember being truly happy.  We didn't wait long after we were married to start trying to expand our family.  After my second or third failed IVF (I can't remember which one), I went around my house and took down almost every single picture that I had framed or hanging up.  My heart was (and is) so broken that I couldn't stand to look at photos of myself with a genuine smile on my face.  Photos that depicted my happiness just killed me.  They kind of still do.  It's hard remembering a time of true happiness, because it's been so long since I've felt that.  I've slowly started putting pictures back up around my house... but it's still hard to look at them sometimes.

6.  My favorite part about marriage and what I've learned since becoming married:

My absolute favorite part about marriage is sharing every single thing in my life with my best friend.  My life isn't just my life anymore.  It's our life.  I could write a novel about how Nick is the best husband in the world (and I'm sure he could write a novel about how I'm the most difficult wife in the world!).  I think the most important thing I've learned since becoming married (and since having been faced with infertility), is that we will not let anything break us.  That we will always be there for one another.  And that, at the end of the day, if it ends up just being us, we are still really lucky... lucky to have each other for ever and ever.

I'm Lucky For Friends Like You!

I'm all over the place lately, so bare with me.  The past few weeks have been difficult.  But, I guess that's really no surprise.  When you're infertile, difficult days are the norm.  I've been blaming my overall sadness lately on this priming cycle.  I just feel stuck - I'm currently, technically, "cycling" but I'm not stimming yet.  I'm just ready to get the show on the road and to start stabbing myself in the stomach every day with an insane amount of hormones (seriously.  I know that's weird, but it's sort of true).  I'm feeling really impatient.  And sad.

My mind has certainly wandered over to the dark side.  I'm overcome with thoughts of this cycle being as much of a bust as my last cycle.  I'm beginning to wonder if we made the right choice by going to "the best" fertility clinic in the country (my wallet is starting to wonder that, too).  Are my eggs that far gone that it doesn't really matter where I go for treatment?  Should I even be doing this?  Should I just give up?  Should I just work on making the best of my life if it turns out to be a life without children?  Maybe it will work for everyone else but me...

I had a break down over the weekend.  A complete cry-fest.  I sobbed to Nick telling him how I just wish I knew.  I wish I knew if children of my own just aren't in the cards for me.  If I knew, I'd be able to work toward moving on... On to a life with me not becoming a Mom.  Sometimes that's one of the hardest parts in all of this: not knowing.  Not knowing if I will ever pass my genes on to my child.  Not knowing if I will make Nick a Dad.  Not knowing if I will become a Mom.  Not knowing if any of this will have been worth it.  It kills me.  It just completely kills me.

I somehow picked myself up after my fit of hysteria over the weekend.  The work week started and I've been beyond busy ever since.  My job is stressful, but it keeps me going and I suppose for that, I'm thankful.  But, do you know what else I'm thankful for (and here comes the point to this post)?  I'm thankful for you.  For my blog friends, who just lift me up exactly when I need to be lifted up.  Who cheer me on with words of encouragement that truly mean so much to me.  Who care and who get it.  Who, without,  I honestly don't know how I'd maneuver my way through this really crappy road of infertility.  I walked in the door today after a really, really, long day at work to find this:

Jessah, thank you for making me smile (when I needed it most).  For making me feel less alone.  For caring so much about someone else, even when you're in the trenches of infertility yourself.  And mostly, for making me realize today that this IS all worth it.  That I still have some fight left in me.  That I'm not ready to give up on my miracle baby.  You helped me realize today that the not knowing part is actually a good thing (though it's still hard).  Because that's what allows me to keep trying.  In fact, the not knowing part is actually a beautiful thing (once you peel back all of its awful layers!).

Priming Cycle #2 and The Past Couple of Weeks

For some reason, I can't seem to form a coherent enough thought to share on my blog these days... it's my infertility's fault.  I'm currently in my second priming cycle and I dislike it as much as I did the first time.  It's just a long month of what feels like a whole lot of nothing.  Except exhaustion.  I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning.  It must be the estrace... or the testosterone.  Whatever it is, I'm exhausted!

Unfortunately, I'm finding it difficult to focus on my hope and faith (or, what little of it I have left) this time around.  I've been having a hard time trying to see a picture in my mind of a baby at the end of all of this.  I just don't know that it will work.  And to be honest, I guess I've never known it would work, I just have always thought it would... somehow, someway.  Lately, I've been trying to imagine a life without children.  A life where I will never experience pregnancy.  A life of just me, Nick and Belle.  My heart aches beyond belief with every single one of those thoughts, but I have to be realistic at some point.  Being a mother might just not be in the cards for me.

And then, when I go and write that... the sentence about not ever being a mother... tears well up in my eyes, my heart feels like it's drowning and I can feel myself start to hyperventilate.  That's when my hope and my faith pushes the realist in me out of the way.  Because, if I get so worked up over the mere thought of never becoming a Mommy, then how can I shift my thoughts away from something that I know deep down I'm truly meant to be?  How could God take the.one.thing I've always known I wanted to be away from me?  I have to believe that He couldn't.  That He hasn't.  And that He won't.

Shifting gears here... Since I've been MIA lately, this is what I've been up to for the past couple of weeks:

The weekend after we returned home from Colorado, we went to Connecticut to pick up Belle.  While we were there, my amazing Nana came for a week long 'vacation' at my parents' house.  My Nana is the best.  There's really nothing else to say... she-is-just-the-best.  I had been preparing all weekend for a presentation that I had to memorize and give at my upcoming work training/conference.  The picture above on the bottom right is one that Nick snapped of me reciting my speech to my Nana.  I love this picture.  I can just picture her sitting there, listening to me and nodding her head.  She's the best!

While away for work for my new job training/conference (I'm lucky: our conference was held in Massachusetts, so rather than having to hop on a flight across the country, like many of my colleagues had to, I just jumped in my car and drove 45 minutes down the highway), we had an evening clambake event out at Spectacle Island (a small island off the coast of Boston).  While on the boat out to the island, I was reminded why I love my city: it's beautiful.

The day my training/conference ended, I hurried home for a rehearsal dinner that evening, but first, I snuggled big-time with my sweet little Belle.  One of my husband's best friends got married last weekend and their rehearsal dinner was at the same restaurant where we had ours... almost four years ago.

The wedding was beautiful, right on the ocean.  I made my cute in-laws take me to the wedding (they were happy to) because I couldn't bare to drive there with the pregnant wife of one of my husband's other friends (I'm ridiculous, I know - but, I just haven't been able to deal with that announcement yet.).  Weddings are still hard for me.  On the one hand, it's nice to be reminded about love and how important love is to have in a marriage.  I'm thankful (so thankful) for the love that Nick and I have for one another, but on the other hand... being reminded of what that love is supposed to create?  Well that just upsets me.  And it leaves me teary-eyed, not because I'm so taken aback by the love that the bride and groom have for one another, but rather, because IT'S NOT FAIR (that they'll probably end up having a baby before us!) (Again, yes I know... I'm ridiculous.)!!

Moving forward with a plan...

I've been away for the past week at a work conference and while it was beyond exhausting, it was a week that kept me busy, which was exactly what I needed.  I spent the week like a normal person, even indulging in caffeinated coffee (GASP!) and a few (maybe too many one or two of the nights) glasses of wine or beer during our dinner and evening events.  I needed that - the coffee, the wine, the beer... the feeling of being normal.  Since returning from Colorado, I've felt lost, distant, sad and frustrated.  I didn't have time to dwell on those feelings last week, though, which was a blessing.

While away, I had a re-group with my doctor, who actually helped me to re-direct my feelings on IVF #5 (I shudder just writing that.  I have had F-I-V-E retrievals.  Ugh.).  I had been completely focused on what didn't happen this cycle: five of my seven eggs did not fertilize.  But, my doctor wasn't too surprised by this because of the fact that three of my local retrievals only resulted in four eggs with only two having fertilized each of those times.  Instead, my doctor was actually focused on the good that came out of this cycle: seven eggs retrieved.  And, I guess I had sort of forgot about that.

So, with that conversation came a plan.  I will be on a different protocol this time, with just as aggressive of an approach as my protocol last cycle.  The kitchen sink will, again, be thrown at me, but you know what?  Bring.It.On.  I'm hopeful that this protocol will result in just as many eggs retrieved and with a better fertilization result.  I'm trusting my doctor because that's really all I can do.

My cycle started yesterday and I began my priming meds.  I fasted all day (so not fun) and had my first blood draw of this cycle.  I have a calendar, all with tentative dates right now, but I have a plan.  And having a plan makes me feel better.  I'm moving forward, I'm focusing on IVF #6 (oh, that so just breaks my heart) and I'm trying to muster up every last ounce of hope and faith that I can.  I'm ready...

...even though I'm really tired of this and am really scared.  Really, really scared.

Reunited And It Feels So Good

We drove to my parent's house to pick up Belle tonight.  And she's the first thing to make me smile since coming home from CO.  I'm so thankful for my little munchkin!