My mind has certainly wandered over to the dark side. I'm overcome with thoughts of this cycle being as much of a bust as my last cycle. I'm beginning to wonder if we made the right choice by going to "the best" fertility clinic in the country (my wallet is starting to wonder that, too). Are my eggs that far gone that it doesn't really matter where I go for treatment? Should I even be doing this? Should I just give up? Should I just work on making the best of my life if it turns out to be a life without children? Maybe it will work for everyone else but me...
I had a break down over the weekend. A complete cry-fest. I sobbed to Nick telling him how I just wish I knew. I wish I knew if children of my own just aren't in the cards for me. If I knew, I'd be able to work toward moving on... On to a life with me not becoming a Mom. Sometimes that's one of the hardest parts in all of this: not knowing. Not knowing if I will ever pass my genes on to my child. Not knowing if I will make Nick a Dad. Not knowing if I will become a Mom. Not knowing if any of this will have been worth it. It kills me. It just completely kills me.
I somehow picked myself up after my fit of hysteria over the weekend. The work week started and I've been beyond busy ever since. My job is stressful, but it keeps me going and I suppose for that, I'm thankful. But, do you know what else I'm thankful for (and here comes the point to this post)? I'm thankful for you. For my blog friends, who just lift me up exactly when I need to be lifted up. Who cheer me on with words of encouragement that truly mean so much to me. Who care and who get it. Who, without, I honestly don't know how I'd maneuver my way through this really crappy road of infertility. I walked in the door today after a really, really, long day at work to find this:
Jessah, thank you for making me smile (when I needed it most). For making me feel less alone. For caring so much about someone else, even when you're in the trenches of infertility yourself. And mostly, for making me realize today that this IS all worth it. That I still have some fight left in me. That I'm not ready to give up on my miracle baby. You helped me realize today that the not knowing part is actually a good thing (though it's still hard). Because that's what allows me to keep trying. In fact, the not knowing part is actually a beautiful thing (once you peel back all of its awful layers!).
19 comments:
How sweet of Jessah! Aubrey, you are so strong ... so, so strong. I admire you, and I pray for you all the time! We'll get there, girl. I'm so sorry you've been feeling discouraged. I can completely understand the impatience that comes with NOT stabbing your belly full of hormones lol! I have faith this next stim cycle will go beautifully. :)
I know so well how you are feeling right now. That little care package is awesome. I really don't know what I'd do without the infertility blogosphere. I think it keeps me sane! Hang in there, we'll get through this. We have to!
Jessah is such a sweetheart! What a thoughtful thing to do, and like you said, specially coming from someone in the trenches herself.
You made the right decision Aubrey, you want to try again, not give up and give it your best shot so whatever the outcome you will never wonder what if. That is what you are doing. I am bummed that we spent so much money, but I never regret giving it my best shot, now it's easier to move on.
I am hoping for a wonderful upcoming cycle for you. Fingers crossed. Hang in there!
Such a sweet gesture, and sounds like it was perfect timing :) I sound like a broken record, but I'm praying for you often!
What a sweet package!! I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time...I can imagine how frustrating this priming cycle is. :( I hope it goes well and that you're on to your next (more successful, of course!) cycle soon. And I want to hear about that book- it looks so cute!!
Now that is pretty awesome of Jessah! I think we all feel the same about you too. I know I am thankful for your love and support and I hope I can always provide you the same, no matter how long it takes us to get there.
It's ok to break down and cry. Keeping it all in does no one any good, and your emotions need to be let out, so let it flow sister!
YAY! Thanks Jessah, for loving on Aubrey!
I hate that your stuck here, stuck priming, stuck waiting, stuck not knowing. It's such a crappy, crappy place. I think of you constantly! Hope this cycle moves on quickly and that the stabbing of the belly can begin soon!
How sweet is Jessah!!!! Hope you know how loved you are by all of us!
Jessah is a gem. No doubt. The tough days are...hard. I get them way too often, so I completely understand. I'm sending you the biggest, fiercest hug I can and hoping it helps just a little to give you the strength to keep going. xo
That was so thoughtful of Jessah! I'm sorry things have been so hard, it's so unfair. xoxo
I'm thankful that there are bloggers like you and Jessah out there! It's so comforting to know that you're not the only one going through all this.
With that said, I've taken the leap with our impending IVF cycle to start my own infertility blog to help me get thru this. Would love your support!
http://theifjourney.blogspot.com/
Hang in there girl! Hugs!
Shay
so glad you got a pick me up! this is hard - especially the waiting for cycling and the not knowing. I am not sure I have ever asked you or if you have ever posted about it - but are other things on the table for you and Nick? If you decide you can't emotionally handle any more cycles, will you pursue other paths to parenthood? I don't think you have ever written about it so I was wondering. Hopefully things will go great in your next stim cycle and a successful transfer will be in your future! Hugs!
Jessah is such a sweetheart. I can only imagine the uplifting feeling you got once you opened up that package. Hang in there girly! The unknown is hard to deal with but in the end u know I gave it ur all.
Yes...the not knowing is the hardest. It can be so, so terrifying sometimes. And it can seem to last forever and ever. So glad you had a bright spot in an otherwise tough time. Yay Jessah. (-:
What a great surprise to receive!
You are truly on my mind so often and I just am hoping so much for you & Nick that this is your time!! xoxo
Oh Aubrey. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Infertility is just not fair at all. My heart hurts for you...
I am so thankful for YOU! I am thankful that you share your story and your feelings. It makes me feel less alone. I hope from the bottom of my heart that your story has a happy ending
What a great thing to come home to. Sometimes it just helps to know we are not alone. Finding the blogging community was a huge help for me, too.
I want to reach through the computer (ahem..my iPhone) and give you a big giant squeezy hug! We don't know what the outcome will be, but there is a CHANCE! Hubby and I finally persued treatments because we didn't want to end up in our late 40's-50's looking back with regrets that we didn't try EVERYTHING! No matter what happens here, you will know without a shadow of doubt that you tried everything, including going to the best clinic out there. I'm going to keep praying for you Aubrey, praying that this cycle will be the one that makes your dream of being a Mommy come true.
I'm soo soo glad that this package reached you on a day when you really needed it. You're so strong. I know you don't always feel that way. But you are. And on the days when you aren't, we're here to help you keep moving forward! You did the right thing going to CCRM...no matter the outcome. You want this too much not to have tried everything! Love you girl!
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