(like that bowl cut circa 1984)
Arlington A's Select Baseball
4 weeks ago
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Past Easters
We had Friday off from work and drove to Connecticut for the holiday weekend. Today I planted my butt on the floor in front of lots of old family albums and found these pictures from past Easters.... (I can't believe I'm sharing these. Clearly, I had lots of amazingly awful haircuts...):
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Lately...
I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off the past week or so. I'm o-v-e-r-w-h-e-l-m-e-d, people!! Getting ready to head to Colorado for the ODWU has been more work than I had initially thought (not that I'm complaining - at all!). I'm beginning to realize that cycling at a clinic out of state (half way across the country) can be... well... complicated.
Late last week, I decided to take matters into my own hands and order myself the etegrity Beta 3 test. I actually have to pat myself on the back for this (and thank so many friends whose input is really what made me just go ahead and bite the bullet). Anyway, I ordered the kit last Thursday (received it on Friday) and spent pretty much all day Thursday and Friday going back and forth with my ObGyn's office as to what exactly I was looking to have scheduled. Over the weekend I started to wonder if I should just call my local RE about this (even though that's not really the route I want to go). On Monday I was able to speak with the Nurse Practitioner at my doctor's office and explained to her that all I really need is an endometrial biopsy... Except, that it specifically needs to be done nine to eleven days after my LH surge during my next cycle (which will be after I return home from the ODWU). I ended up scheduling the biopsy for a day that I think (hope and pray) will work, based on what are my usually regular cycles. Fingers crossed that I won't have to deal with an irregular cycle causing me to have to cancel and reschedule this!
Now that I have the endometrial biopsy scheduled, I'm thinking about life after the ODWU. A cycle with CCRM would mean that I'd have to have day three blood work drawn locally. I'd then need to freeze the spun serum and send it back to the lab in Colorado for testing. No biggie, right? But this has had me stressed over where I should even go to have my blood drawn - as I know not every lab would be equipped to spin my blood and then hand it back over to me. Oh, and speaking of day three blood work. And stress. I'm so nervous and so stressed about this. What will CCRM's lab get as a result for my FSH level? It's very possible that it's increased significantly since the last time I had it tested. And I've never even had my AMH level tested... will I learn that my diagnosis of DOR is much worse than I'd been told?
And then... if my levels are fine (well, we know they're not fine. But, if they're not much worse than my (so far) highest FSH level of 18.6), then that means we'll carry on with moving closer to our CCRM stim cycle. And in that case, I'll need to have at least one (possibly more depending upon the protocol Dr. Schoolcraft suggests) baseline ultrasound and a blood draw here, locally. CCRM will need the same day results and so, with that, I'm trying to figure out where I should go to have those done. I initially thought that I'd use my local RE for much of my early monitoring and testing before heading out to CCRM however, my feelings on that have changed, leaving me a bit perplexed as to where I should go...
All this to say that choosing to go to CCRM is obviously a huge decision - and that it certainly doesn't just end there. This has become somewhat of a full-time job for me. And while I'm one million percent convinced that going to CCRM is the right choice for us, I'm quickly realizing that it's a big, BIG, commitment. But, it's a BIG commitment, that I'm beyond ready and willing to take. I told my husband this morning after going through my checklist of things to do, research and look into today, that this is my absolute top priority.
And well, with that, I'm just so ready to get the show on the road - to begin the process, have the ODWU and to take each step closer to my miracle baby.
Late last week, I decided to take matters into my own hands and order myself the etegrity Beta 3 test. I actually have to pat myself on the back for this (and thank so many friends whose input is really what made me just go ahead and bite the bullet). Anyway, I ordered the kit last Thursday (received it on Friday) and spent pretty much all day Thursday and Friday going back and forth with my ObGyn's office as to what exactly I was looking to have scheduled. Over the weekend I started to wonder if I should just call my local RE about this (even though that's not really the route I want to go). On Monday I was able to speak with the Nurse Practitioner at my doctor's office and explained to her that all I really need is an endometrial biopsy... Except, that it specifically needs to be done nine to eleven days after my LH surge during my next cycle (which will be after I return home from the ODWU). I ended up scheduling the biopsy for a day that I think (hope and pray) will work, based on what are my usually regular cycles. Fingers crossed that I won't have to deal with an irregular cycle causing me to have to cancel and reschedule this!
Now that I have the endometrial biopsy scheduled, I'm thinking about life after the ODWU. A cycle with CCRM would mean that I'd have to have day three blood work drawn locally. I'd then need to freeze the spun serum and send it back to the lab in Colorado for testing. No biggie, right? But this has had me stressed over where I should even go to have my blood drawn - as I know not every lab would be equipped to spin my blood and then hand it back over to me. Oh, and speaking of day three blood work. And stress. I'm so nervous and so stressed about this. What will CCRM's lab get as a result for my FSH level? It's very possible that it's increased significantly since the last time I had it tested. And I've never even had my AMH level tested... will I learn that my diagnosis of DOR is much worse than I'd been told?
And then... if my levels are fine (well, we know they're not fine. But, if they're not much worse than my (so far) highest FSH level of 18.6), then that means we'll carry on with moving closer to our CCRM stim cycle. And in that case, I'll need to have at least one (possibly more depending upon the protocol Dr. Schoolcraft suggests) baseline ultrasound and a blood draw here, locally. CCRM will need the same day results and so, with that, I'm trying to figure out where I should go to have those done. I initially thought that I'd use my local RE for much of my early monitoring and testing before heading out to CCRM however, my feelings on that have changed, leaving me a bit perplexed as to where I should go...
All this to say that choosing to go to CCRM is obviously a huge decision - and that it certainly doesn't just end there. This has become somewhat of a full-time job for me. And while I'm one million percent convinced that going to CCRM is the right choice for us, I'm quickly realizing that it's a big, BIG, commitment. But, it's a BIG commitment, that I'm beyond ready and willing to take. I told my husband this morning after going through my checklist of things to do, research and look into today, that this is my absolute top priority.
And well, with that, I'm just so ready to get the show on the road - to begin the process, have the ODWU and to take each step closer to my miracle baby.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Strength & Resilience
I've been thinking about this post that my sweet blog friend, Kimberly, wrote ever since I read it yesterday morning. Kimberly's post is about strength and resilience when dealing with infertility and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. If you haven't read it, you should. And if you do read it, I hope it brings you to some of the same realizations that it brought to me.
When I think about my infertility (which I do... all.day.long), I think about the heart ache, pain and sadness that it has brought into my life. And with every passing day, it has only gotten worse. My heart aches more with every single day that passes. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a hurt woman. I see depression. I see weakness. In fact, not only do I see the weakness that stares back at me, but I feel that weakness. I feel it with each and every monthly bout of cramps I get signaling that my period is just around the corner. And I feel it with swollen eyes that sting from the tears that fall down my cheeks every night as I go to bed and silently say my prayers.
I tend to focus so much on the despair that infertility has caused me, that I've almost never thought about the strength and resilience that it's given me (truth: I'd much rather be pregnant than be strong or resilient, but I digress).
I have a co-worker who has become a dear friend to me and who knows about my infertility journey, in detail. She hasn't experienced infertility herself, but has experienced a terrible loss which has allowed her to relate to the extreme pain and sadness that I feel on a daily basis. She also is about fifteen years older than me, with children in elementary school (the scorned infertile that I am notes this because it means that I most likely don't have to worry about her announcing a pregnancy any time soon). There have been many times that I've come into work and have shared my sadness with my co-worker/friend. I've told her about bad nights and bad weekends that I just couldn't seem to get myself together because I'd been plagued by the horribleness of infertility. In those instances, my co-worker/friend would always respond with the utmost empathy and would then look me straight in the eyes and tell me that when she looks at me she sees strength. In fact, she tells me that I'm one of the most strong people that she's ever met (ha!). When I hear this, I have to laugh. I normally roll my eyes at her and continue on with my day.
Strong?! Me?! The person who pretty much cries herself to sleep every night? Who's let most of her friendships slip because she can barely focus on anyone but herself (and her bad eggs and faulty uterus)? Whose infertility has literally taken over her life?! Nah... that's not me. I'm the weak girl over there in the corner, ashamed of herself and of her failure of a body. The girl whose eyes reflect heart ache, pain and sadness. Sadly, that's really how I think of myself (thanks, infertility).
Actually, it's how I thought of myself...
Kimberly, your post truly brought tears to my eyes. It one hundred percent took my breath away. It was like a light bulb went off in my head...
When I think about my infertility (which I do... all.day.long), I think about the heart ache, pain and sadness that it has brought into my life. And with every passing day, it has only gotten worse. My heart aches more with every single day that passes. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a hurt woman. I see depression. I see weakness. In fact, not only do I see the weakness that stares back at me, but I feel that weakness. I feel it with each and every monthly bout of cramps I get signaling that my period is just around the corner. And I feel it with swollen eyes that sting from the tears that fall down my cheeks every night as I go to bed and silently say my prayers.
I tend to focus so much on the despair that infertility has caused me, that I've almost never thought about the strength and resilience that it's given me (truth: I'd much rather be pregnant than be strong or resilient, but I digress).
I have a co-worker who has become a dear friend to me and who knows about my infertility journey, in detail. She hasn't experienced infertility herself, but has experienced a terrible loss which has allowed her to relate to the extreme pain and sadness that I feel on a daily basis. She also is about fifteen years older than me, with children in elementary school (the scorned infertile that I am notes this because it means that I most likely don't have to worry about her announcing a pregnancy any time soon). There have been many times that I've come into work and have shared my sadness with my co-worker/friend. I've told her about bad nights and bad weekends that I just couldn't seem to get myself together because I'd been plagued by the horribleness of infertility. In those instances, my co-worker/friend would always respond with the utmost empathy and would then look me straight in the eyes and tell me that when she looks at me she sees strength. In fact, she tells me that I'm one of the most strong people that she's ever met (ha!). When I hear this, I have to laugh. I normally roll my eyes at her and continue on with my day.
Strong?! Me?! The person who pretty much cries herself to sleep every night? Who's let most of her friendships slip because she can barely focus on anyone but herself (and her bad eggs and faulty uterus)? Whose infertility has literally taken over her life?! Nah... that's not me. I'm the weak girl over there in the corner, ashamed of herself and of her failure of a body. The girl whose eyes reflect heart ache, pain and sadness. Sadly, that's really how I think of myself (thanks, infertility).
Actually, it's how I thought of myself...
Kimberly, your post truly brought tears to my eyes. It one hundred percent took my breath away. It was like a light bulb went off in my head...
I AM strong. I AM resilient.
I know that infertility is something that will always make me sad. It will always cause me pain. And it will always break my heart. But, I now see that it's also something that has made me stronger and more resilient. I will not give up on my miracle baby. My strength and my resilience will carry me through the saddest and most painful of days. I know that because it's already carried me through the sad and painful days so far (all of them).
I pray that with God's help, my strength and resilience will continue to shine through, even if just a little. Enough to continue to carry me through the sad and painful days that are sure to lie ahead on this most tumultuous and difficult journey.
I pray that with God's help, my strength and resilience will continue to shine through, even if just a little. Enough to continue to carry me through the sad and painful days that are sure to lie ahead on this most tumultuous and difficult journey.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Love
A break from infertility today to share some of the things I LOVED this weekend.
Nick and I joined my sister and her boyfriend at their apartment this afternoon for a late lunch and some delicious lemon raspberry cupcakes. Whit and I donned our cute little house shoes and we, of course, took picture after picture...
Whit and I clearly think that our picture-taking is hilarious and just so.much.fun. The guys clearly disagree. See:
Nick finally refused to take any more pictures of us, so we took matters into our own hands. These selfies are the result (see? so.much.fun!):
And of course, I can't share a picture-filled post of things I LOVED this weekend without including these:
Nick and I joined my sister and her boyfriend at their apartment this afternoon for a late lunch and some delicious lemon raspberry cupcakes. Whit and I donned our cute little house shoes and we, of course, took picture after picture...
...Back to the reality of infertility tomorrow (I hate that). Calling my OBGYN's office and explaining/scheduling the etegrity Beta 3 integrin test is first on my list.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Aubrey the Infertile
Lately I've felt as though I'm living two different lives - but they're two different lives that switch from one to the other oh-so-quickly, in just an instant.
I open my eyes every morning as an infertile, barren, scorned, sad and desperate woman. I get in the shower, praying the whole time for my miracle baby. I blow dry my hair in our spare bedroom (which should be a nursery by now) while Nick showers. When he gets out, he always asks how I am and the answer is always the same: not good. He doesn't have to ask why.
We drive to work together and while Nick listens to sports radio I check blogs. I'm still living the sad and pitiful life of an infertile.
I get to work and my day of insurance starts. Joy. Infertility leaves me as I begin to answer e-mail after e-mail and my never ending ringing phone. Instead of focusing on cycle days, CCRM and my overall sadness for being baby-less, I'm now focusing on fixing my clients' billing, claims and contract issues. But at the drop of a hat, my life as an infertile comes right back. Literally, just like that. As I'm being berated by clients with problems that seem so minimal compared to the problem of a woman trying with all of her might to get pregnant but can't, I quickly (un)welcome Aubrey the Infertile back into my life. Aubrey the Infertile sticks around until I'm consumed again by my work.
Throughout the day I'm fighting Aubrey the Infertile off. It's so difficult. My infertility is always on my mind. My sadness is always there, as well. Yes, sometimes it's covered up by my trying to act happy in front of someone who may not know any of what I'm going through i.e. certain co-workers, my clients, brokers, a lot of friends and even some extended family of ours, but it's still there. Its always there. I try my hardest to smile as someone at work tells me a story about their adorable children. But as soon as they turn around to walk away, Aubrey the Infertile is back, even more scorned than before. Typically I say something under my breath like you lucky a-hole and then bury myself back in my work. Which helps until a co-worker tells me she's taking a week off in April because it's her kids' April vacation. Again, (un)welcome back Aubrey the Infertile. I immediately think great, take a week off to spend with your kids, you lucky bleep. I'll be taking a few weeks off soon just to try to get pregnant. My vacation will be in Colorado this year. With doctor's appointments and shots every day. But the odds are against me. So don't worry, we probably won't have to fight over who gets to take April vacation week off in the years to come.
Finally my work day ends and Nick and I drive home. Aubrey and Aubrey the Infertile are too exhausted to say much of anything other than ideas for what to make for dinner. We eat and a few times during the week I go to my barre workout class. I'm ready to focus on Aubrey, not Aubrey the Infertile. I'm ready to just forget. About everything. About my infertility. Until the most beautiful, thin and visibly happy girl picks the matte next to mine (I say 'girl' because she's probably at least five years younger than me). She's talking to her friend about her most perfect kids at home. I want to barf. On the other side of me is someone who I learn is pregnant five minutes into the class because the instructor calls out modifications for those who are expecting. Again, I want to barf. I can't escape it. I can't get away from fertile myrtles. I can't get away my own infertility.
Infertility is me. It's who I am. I guess there is no escaping it. It's my life.
It's my life at home, at work, at social functions, at the gym.
It's my life when I'm talking to a client, to a family member, to a dear friend.
It was my life then, it is my life now and it will even be my life in the future, regardless of what happens.
But regardless of what does happen, I just want to wake up one day and when Nick asks me how I am, I want to tell him that I'm good. And I want to mean it. And then I want to have to blow dry my hair in the bathroom while he showers, because I won't want to wake my miracle baby.
I open my eyes every morning as an infertile, barren, scorned, sad and desperate woman. I get in the shower, praying the whole time for my miracle baby. I blow dry my hair in our spare bedroom (which should be a nursery by now) while Nick showers. When he gets out, he always asks how I am and the answer is always the same: not good. He doesn't have to ask why.
We drive to work together and while Nick listens to sports radio I check blogs. I'm still living the sad and pitiful life of an infertile.
I get to work and my day of insurance starts. Joy. Infertility leaves me as I begin to answer e-mail after e-mail and my never ending ringing phone. Instead of focusing on cycle days, CCRM and my overall sadness for being baby-less, I'm now focusing on fixing my clients' billing, claims and contract issues. But at the drop of a hat, my life as an infertile comes right back. Literally, just like that. As I'm being berated by clients with problems that seem so minimal compared to the problem of a woman trying with all of her might to get pregnant but can't, I quickly (un)welcome Aubrey the Infertile back into my life. Aubrey the Infertile sticks around until I'm consumed again by my work.
Throughout the day I'm fighting Aubrey the Infertile off. It's so difficult. My infertility is always on my mind. My sadness is always there, as well. Yes, sometimes it's covered up by my trying to act happy in front of someone who may not know any of what I'm going through i.e. certain co-workers, my clients, brokers, a lot of friends and even some extended family of ours, but it's still there. Its always there. I try my hardest to smile as someone at work tells me a story about their adorable children. But as soon as they turn around to walk away, Aubrey the Infertile is back, even more scorned than before. Typically I say something under my breath like you lucky a-hole and then bury myself back in my work. Which helps until a co-worker tells me she's taking a week off in April because it's her kids' April vacation. Again, (un)welcome back Aubrey the Infertile. I immediately think great, take a week off to spend with your kids, you lucky bleep. I'll be taking a few weeks off soon just to try to get pregnant. My vacation will be in Colorado this year. With doctor's appointments and shots every day. But the odds are against me. So don't worry, we probably won't have to fight over who gets to take April vacation week off in the years to come.
Finally my work day ends and Nick and I drive home. Aubrey and Aubrey the Infertile are too exhausted to say much of anything other than ideas for what to make for dinner. We eat and a few times during the week I go to my barre workout class. I'm ready to focus on Aubrey, not Aubrey the Infertile. I'm ready to just forget. About everything. About my infertility. Until the most beautiful, thin and visibly happy girl picks the matte next to mine (I say 'girl' because she's probably at least five years younger than me). She's talking to her friend about her most perfect kids at home. I want to barf. On the other side of me is someone who I learn is pregnant five minutes into the class because the instructor calls out modifications for those who are expecting. Again, I want to barf. I can't escape it. I can't get away from fertile myrtles. I can't get away my own infertility.
Infertility is me. It's who I am. I guess there is no escaping it. It's my life.
It's my life at home, at work, at social functions, at the gym.
It's my life when I'm talking to a client, to a family member, to a dear friend.
It was my life then, it is my life now and it will even be my life in the future, regardless of what happens.
But regardless of what does happen, I just want to wake up one day and when Nick asks me how I am, I want to tell him that I'm good. And I want to mean it. And then I want to have to blow dry my hair in the bathroom while he showers, because I won't want to wake my miracle baby.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
It just has to be said
If you know someone who...
has struggled with infertility for 2+ years...
has had three failed IUI's...
has had four failed IVF's...
has had one failed FET...
is grasping at straws...
finally decided to travel half way across the country to be seen by one of the nation's best Reproductive Endocrinologists...
is willing to empty her savings account and take out a hefty loan for only a 25% chance of success...
wants a baby... more than anything in the whole entire world...
has struggled with infertility for 2+ years...
has had three failed IUI's...
has had four failed IVF's...
has had one failed FET...
is grasping at straws...
finally decided to travel half way across the country to be seen by one of the nation's best Reproductive Endocrinologists...
is willing to empty her savings account and take out a hefty loan for only a 25% chance of success...
wants a baby... more than anything in the whole entire world...
...Then don't tell that person to just relax.
Please.
Just don't.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
What I Learned Yesterday...
1. My medical records from my local RE made their way to Colorado and are ready for Dr. S to review. Yay! (Dr. S has my records up through my second failed IVF when we had our phone consult. Since 6+ months have passed since then, I had to get my more recent records out there.)
2. The fax machine at my GYN's office has been 'having problems' and they can't seem to find my faxed request to have my pathology report from my last exam sent to CCRM. Annoying.
3. My local RE gave up on me. Well, at least that's what I think. I do still love her, but she obviously heard I had requested that my records be sent to CCRM. I called yesterday and left a message for her to call me back (I want to get her formal recommendation on a suggested next step for me so that I can let Dr. S know next month when we're at the ODWU). When she called me, she asked "how can I help you, Aubrey?" I felt like screaming "YOU CAN HELP ME BY GIVING ME YOUR RECOMMENDATION AS TO WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT!! DON'T YOU REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU'D CALL ME BACK... THREE WEEKS AGO?!". Instead, I was super nice, full well knowing that I may need her to help me out with an ultrasound and/or blood draw at some point in the future.
And truthfully, I do still love my local RE. But, I just can't help feeling like she dropped the ball and didn't call me back simply because she heard that I faxed a request for my records to be sent to Colorado. Even more frustrating is that she knew we were considering CCRM. She knew we had a phone consult with Dr. S over six months ago and that this option has been on our minds ever since.
Oh well.
4. My local RE's formal recommendation is for me to do another FET (same protocol as last time... you know, the last time... that resulted in my FIFTH failure!) with the two frozen embryos I have here, in their lab. If that doesn't work, go through another full IVF cycle and do genetic screening on the embryos that we get. Funny, because this is exactly one of the reasons we're going to CCRM - for one of the best labs and embryologists in the nation.
5. We definitely made the right choice in deciding to go to CCRM. Definitely.
6. That I really need to look into the Beta 3 integrin test. It's on my list of things to research and to talk to Dr. S about. Is my biggest issue really my high FSH? Could it be something else??
7. That I've been blessed in this awful journey of infertility to have found each and every one of you. Really. Knowing that I can reach out to my blog friends for advice and support is so comforting. I'm so thankful for all of you!
And last, but most certainly not least...
8. My little puppy is the best snuggler in the whole entire world. She was by my side all day yesterday and my heart was so full.
2. The fax machine at my GYN's office has been 'having problems' and they can't seem to find my faxed request to have my pathology report from my last exam sent to CCRM. Annoying.
3. My local RE gave up on me. Well, at least that's what I think. I do still love her, but she obviously heard I had requested that my records be sent to CCRM. I called yesterday and left a message for her to call me back (I want to get her formal recommendation on a suggested next step for me so that I can let Dr. S know next month when we're at the ODWU). When she called me, she asked "how can I help you, Aubrey?" I felt like screaming "YOU CAN HELP ME BY GIVING ME YOUR RECOMMENDATION AS TO WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT!! DON'T YOU REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU'D CALL ME BACK... THREE WEEKS AGO?!". Instead, I was super nice, full well knowing that I may need her to help me out with an ultrasound and/or blood draw at some point in the future.
And truthfully, I do still love my local RE. But, I just can't help feeling like she dropped the ball and didn't call me back simply because she heard that I faxed a request for my records to be sent to Colorado. Even more frustrating is that she knew we were considering CCRM. She knew we had a phone consult with Dr. S over six months ago and that this option has been on our minds ever since.
Oh well.
4. My local RE's formal recommendation is for me to do another FET (same protocol as last time... you know, the last time... that resulted in my FIFTH failure!) with the two frozen embryos I have here, in their lab. If that doesn't work, go through another full IVF cycle and do genetic screening on the embryos that we get. Funny, because this is exactly one of the reasons we're going to CCRM - for one of the best labs and embryologists in the nation.
5. We definitely made the right choice in deciding to go to CCRM. Definitely.
6. That I really need to look into the Beta 3 integrin test. It's on my list of things to research and to talk to Dr. S about. Is my biggest issue really my high FSH? Could it be something else??
7. That I've been blessed in this awful journey of infertility to have found each and every one of you. Really. Knowing that I can reach out to my blog friends for advice and support is so comforting. I'm so thankful for all of you!
And last, but most certainly not least...
8. My little puppy is the best snuggler in the whole entire world. She was by my side all day yesterday and my heart was so full.
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