A Good Weekend

I'm happy to say that I actually had a fun and relaxing weekend.  I'd be lying if I said that infertility was far from my mind, but even so, I somehow was still able to enjoy myself.  Though, that's not surprising - I was surrounded by my favorite people - my family.  Nick, my sister and I headed down to Connecticut on Friday night after work to spend the weekend with my parents.  Nick considers weekends in Connecticut as vacation.  I'll ask Nick:  "Oh hey, Nick, can you go do _____ for me?" and he'll reply, "Ummm, I'm actually on vacation."  My mom encourages his silly understanding of what vacation actually is by waiting on him hand and foot.  My mom will serve him breakfast, lunch and dinner (clearly I'm a bad Susie homemaker, as this definitely isn't what Nick is used to at our house!) and always asks if he wants anything throughout the day (sorry Mom, you definitely encourage this behavior of his!!) :)

On Saturday, we enjoyed a great day by the pool.  My sister and I ate a late breakfast outside while basking in the sun.  We all did a whole lot of lounging and not much else.  It was pretty perfect.

We had dinner outside on the deck and obviously, Whit and I took that opportunity for a silly sister photo shoot.  I love her.  We really are best friends and I'm so thankful that I have her.  Especially now, when dealing with other people, even my friends, has proven to be difficult for me.  Sister-friends are just different.  They're special.  They always understand.  And they're always there for you.  At least, mine is!  So, thanks, Whitty!

My mom is adorable in that picture.  I love her, too!  And I can't get over my resemblance to her in this picture.  I love it.  Oh, and Nick... well, I obviously love him, too.  My sister took that picture of us and told him to smile before doing so.  Once I saw it, I immediately noticed his silly smirk.  I told him we needed to take another, but I must've forgotten that he was on vacation, so he boycotted my request and refused.  So, that's that.  Apparently Nick can do whatever Nick wants on vacation.  Oy.

We were hoping for another pool day yesterday, but the weather chose to do otherwise.  The sun just didn't want to come out from behind those darn clouds.  So, we packed it up, took pictures with my dad to document the end of a great weekend and made our way back to Massachusetts...

...and this is what I came home to:



 The first arrival of one of my IVF meds... Saizen.  Saizen is a growth hormone and is an injection that I've never taken before.  I should receive another (big) box of meds by the end of this week.  I can't believe that it's all about to begin (hopefully)!  One more week of priming meds and then the big wait for my next cycle to start.  I am so ready.  So, so ready!

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my dad!  Dad, I love you so much and know that I wouldn't be where I am today or who I am today, if it weren't for all of your guidance, love and support.  I love you!!

Belle and I also want to wish her Daddy a Happy Father's Day!  Belle is obsessed with Nick and has become his little shadow.  She is very lucky to have him as her Dad and she certainly has him wrapped around her little paw!

Today, though we are happy to have spent a great weekend with my dad, we're praying that next year's Father's Day is a whole heck of a lot different.

Prometrium Warning

I started Prometium this morning.  I'm instructed to take this oral pill (not orally, but rather, in the hoo-ha) twice a day: once in the morning and then again before bed.  My nurse told me to lay down for fifteen minutes after inserting it (gross) to make sure it's fully absorbed (double gross).  So, I set my alarm for 5:30 a.m., did my thing and then went back to bed for another fifteen minutes.  I'll be taking this for ten days.  It's been sort of chaotic keeping track of when to start and stop taking all of the meds that I've been on and am currently on for this priming cycle (and I know it'll only get worse when I start my stim cycle).  It's crazy.  I had meant to buy an old person's day-of-the-week pill box, but then realized that all of the pills I'm on wouldn't fit into one of the day's little boxes, so I nixed that idea pretty quickly. 

Yesterday, as we were driving to work, I was flipping through my trusty CCRM binder that they gave us at our ODWU.  I knew that 'The Payment' is scheduled to take place soon but I wasn't exactly sure when (we will be charged in full for this IVF cycle prior to starting any stims - hence, the rush in calling our credit card company begging for a higher limit.  Thankfully, they obliged when my husband told them it was for a personal medical issue.).  While browsing, I stumbled upon the 'medications' tab.  Knowing I was scheduled to start Prometrium today (note: of what feels like the hundreds of meds I actually have been on in the past, Prometrium isn't one of them), I figured I'd read about what I would soon be inserting into my hoo-ha...

"Oh great" I muttered to Nick.  "One of the side effects from the pill I'm supposed to start taking tomorrow is depression." 

"Grrrrrrrrreat", he replied. 

"At least you're forewarned" I said. 

Ha!  As if I'm not already depressed.  I mean, I am depressed, right?  I sure as heck feel depressed.  Infertility has sucked the life right out of me for the past two and a half years.  Recently, I even caught myself telling (well, texting.  These days texting = talking/telling to me) my roommate from college that the past two and a half years of my life feels like a complete waste.  When I stop and really think about that comment, I feel ashamed.  It makes me sad.  But, the part about it that makes me the most sad is the part about it that's the truth.  Because it is the truth.  A part of me really does feel that way.  I know a part of me has experienced a bit more depression with every passing month that I've learned I'm not pregnant.  A part of me has felt like I haven't really lived since dealing with the ridiculousness of infertility.  This is something I struggle with, not daily, but - hourly.  It's constant.  I know I'm sad, I know I'm depressed - but I do think I at least try to act like a normal person despite those feelings.  Normally, though, it's a battle that I lose on the hour, every hour. 

Anyhow, in addition to hoping that this little devil of a pill doesn't cause me to want to hide in bed under the covers more so than I already do, I'm also hoping that it doesn't delay my next cycle too much.  My anxiety is through the roof about whether or not I'll miss any of my new(ish) job training. 

You're killing me, infertility!

My Cycle and My Weekend

Well... today is day 20 of my priming cyle and I still feel like it will never end.  CCRM sort of dictates this cycle and lengthens it to 31 days (normally I have a 28-29 day cycle).  I am still taking Estrace and testosterone gel nightly and am scheduled to add Prometrium twice daily this week.  I'll stop all meds on the 21st and then hopefully my next cycle will start not too soon thereafter.  My mind is racing with all that I have to do: book flight(s) (do I book a one-way or round trip, not knowing if my tentative retrieval date will be pushed out?), book hotel, book rental car, take vacation days from work, etc. etc. etc.  My company has confirmed training for the week of July 15th and I'm still unsure as to whether or not it will coincide with my retrieval.  I'm praying that it doesn't.  I have a few days lee-way, but IVF cycles for me in the past have always surprised me, so I don't expect this one to be any different.

I've felt really... off... for the past couple of weeks.  I'm thinking it has something to do with the meds.  Either that, or I'm just crazy, which could absolutely be the case these days.  I've been very emotional.  Very weepy.  Very sad.  But also, in a way, I've been really... distant.  It's weird.  This cycle, though I'm sad, I'm not over-thinking it.  I'm not researching and googling every med that I've been or will be taking.  I'm not scouring infertility boards for information about the protocol that I'm on.  I'm just doing it.  Taking what they tell me to take all the while, truthfully, letting all of my doubt seep in.  I'm thinking a lot about next steps if this doesn't work.  I'm not sure having a positive attitude makes any difference anymore. 

Because of my wish-washy feelings toward this cycle, I just don't have much else to say... or to share... so, with that, I'll leave you with documentation of my weekend.  My husband was away in Fort Lauderdale for a bachelor party.  My husband and his friends apparently don't believe a bachelor party is appropriately nor adequately celebrated if it doesn't include a trip on a plane, a beach, golf and any other extravagant thing you can think of.  It's pretty annoying.  But, that's ok, I get back at him by shopping too much and treating myself to spa days on those weekends :)  After I thoroughly exhausted myself by swiping my credit card way too much, and getting my nails did, I enjoyed the day at the pool yesterday napping and catching up on celebrity gossip (ugh, Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Seriously?!  So not fair!).

When Nick came home, we did what we do best on Sundays and got ice cream for dinner of course!

Chocolate chip cookie dough for him and the best ever cake batter with rainbow jimmies for me.  We tried a new ice cream shop and it did not disappoint!  There were actual chunks of vanilla cake in mine.  Yum!

Sadly, our fun ice cream dinner date was cut short by the official announcement of one of our friend's pregnancy (#2) announcement.  Even though we both knew that this announcement was coming, it still was hard... for both of us.  It's always hard... no matter what.  I hate you, infertility!

I've been so SWEETLY dragged out of my blog rut!

Some really, really sweet blogger friends recently nominated me for the Super Sweet Blogging Award.  Risa, Teresa and Aislinn... thank you for dragging me out of my blog rut.  It's been bad, people... really bad (more on that later, though!).  Oh and Risa, I will surely let you know if I ever find myself in cold @ss Minnesota.  I'd love nothing else but to have a hot cup of hot cocoa with you!!

The rules of this blog award state that I must: 1.)  thank the person(s) who nominated me, 2.) answer five super sweet questions, 3.) include the Super Sweet Blogging award image in my blog post and 4.) nominate twelve other bloggers.

Super Sweet Questions:

1. Cookies or cake? 
Um, either will do!  I guess I don't have a favorite here.  How about both?  As in together.  A slice of cake with a cookie on the side.  Yes, I'll have that!

2. Chocolate or vanilla? 
That depends.  If we're talking about cake or cupcakes, I'll go with vanilla.  Vanilla all the way.  Vanilla cake with vanilla icing.  My brothers and sisters in law tease me because my favorite cakes are the grocery store sheet cakes (you, know the ones that have Elmo on them or Lightning McQueen from Cars).  In fact, my favorite thing about my niece and nephews' birthday parties for the past six years has been their cakes... there's nothing like 'em!  Mmmmm, the artificial sugary-ness of the vanilla icing?  I love it!  De-lish!  I dig in just like the kids do... icing first.  But candy?  If we're talking about candy then definitely, definitely, chocolate (M&M's anyone?!  I'll take any kind of M&M any day... pretzel, peanut, peanut butter, dark, milk... LOVE them all!)!

3. Favorite sweet treat? 

Aside from vanilla on vanilla grocery store sheet cakes and M&M's, I'd have to say my Aunt's banana pudding takes the cake.  I've been craving it big-time recently.  I thought about making it this weekend, but I'm scared that it won't come out as good...

4. When do you crave sweet things the most? 
Every.single.day.  Normally, after dinner, I'll grab a couple handfuls of M&M's for dessert (yeah, I'm clearly the poster girl for healthy eating, huh?!).  But, since starting my priming cycle for CCRM, I've had to cut out coffee (I know coffee isn't considered a sweet, but I can't not mention this!) and chocolate completely.  My life is just not the same without chocolate.  The worst part, though?  Nick and I have a weekly ritual in the summer: ice-cream-for-dinner-Sundays.  You should try it.  I look forward to it all week long.  It makes the end of a weekend and the realization that Monday is only hours away much more sweet.  But, you guys... my favorite, favorite, ice cream of all time is coffee oreo.  Coffee and chocolate.  Oh my gosh, I can barely type it without drooling.  Standing in line for ice cream has been torturous.  I tried banana ice cream (knowing my love for my Aunt's banana pudding) and it was just ok.  So last week I got this:

Cake batter ice cream loaded with rainbow jimmies (read: sprinkles, for anyone not in Boston).  It was great!  But I still miss my coffee oreo weekly fix.  Oh!  And just because she's the sweetest thing on the planet, Belle came with us last week, too.  We ate our ice cream in the car because it started to rain a little bit, so Belle did what she does best and people watched (I love how you can see her little legs in the side mirror),

 

 5. Sweet nickname?

Aub, Aubs, Aubbie... That's about it. 

My Nominations:

Well, we'll kill three birds with one stone here and I'm going to re-nominate Risa, Teresa and Aislinn for my 1, 2 and 3.

4.  Allison at The Blogivers

5.  Amanda at Genuine Greavu

6.  Erika at Something Beautiful

7.  Laura at One Couple Getting Started

8.  Emily at Eat Love Procreate

9.  Suzanne at Our journey to a baby bump

10. Sally at Nothing isn't Nothing

11. Kimberly at No Good Eggs

and 12.  Gypsy Mama at Gypsy Mama's Journey

I love you all!  If nothing else, maybe this sweet blog award will help you, too, out of a potential blog rut :)

Happy Friday!

Memorial Day Weekend & Where I Am Now...

Our Memorial Day Weekend in review:

* Working from home with B by my side on Friday * Husband jean shopping.  Not fun.  He's picky. *  Green smoothie breakfasts * Thank goodness for year-round caramel apple spice.  Take that, no-caffeine rule! * Brunch at our wedding venue/Memorial Service for a dear family friend * 5 mile walk on a pretty bike trail * Birthday present for my little boyfriend, aka my three year old nephew, whom I adore * My little family * My sweet, sweet Belle (who does not look happy in this picture, ha!) *

All weekend I was thinking about my little blog.  I've felt so disconnected from it lately.  I've been suffering through horrible writer's block and I just feel stuck.  Stuck, stuck, stuck.  My blog is about my infertility.  Infertility has become my life.  I've openly admitted before, that I struggle with trying not to allow my infertility to overcome every other aspect of my life.  The truth is, though, that I fail at this pretty much every single day.  Blogging about my infertility has always been a good outlet for me... A place to come to bare my heart and soul and my raw thoughts and emotions.  But that's just the thing... Lately I've felt like what else can I possibly say?  How many more times can I write about how sad I am?  How depressed I feel?  How I had to leave a wedding early because a friend announced her pregnancy?  Or, how I cried myself to sleep at night thinking about the unfairness of my struggle with infertility?  It's all been said.  I'm still sad.  I still feel depressed.  I still feel like I won't be able to make it through any sort of social function.  And I still cry myself to sleep, many nights, because this is so unfair.

I know I don't want to stop blogging.  I just know that right now, I don't know what to say.  I feel a bit empty.  So, my posts may continue to be a bit sparse.  Maybe (hopefully) I'll have more to say as my cycles with CCRM continue to progress?  Right now, with not a whole heck of a lot going on, I feel a little blah... I don't have a lot of updates - except that my estrogen and testosterone meds officially kicked my butt this weekend.  I suffered my first (and second, and third) hormone-induced meltdown this weekend (hence the need to take a five mile walk to clear my head and to complain the whole time about how much I hate infertility.  My poor husband.).  It wasn't pretty.  I'll just leave it at that.

I'm only 6 1/2 days in to my testosterone priming cycle and I'm ready for it to be over.  I want to stim.  I want to fly to Denver.  I want to figure out if retrieval will interfere with my new job training.  I want to get the show on the road.  Most of all, I just want to become a mom.  And even more than that, I want to know how I will become one...

Life Happenings

Infertility is hard.  So much about it is hard.  The emotions, the last minute changes to an IVF cycle, the waiting... oh the waiting is so hard, etc. etc. etc.  And recently, I've realized something else that is difficult about infertility: life.  Yes, life.  Life happens as my infertility continues and that is hard.  Not only do the lives of others continue (so often hurting me to my core when someone else's (second, third, etc.) pregnancy is announced), but my life is continuing as well.  And to be perfectly honest, I haven't really been able to wrap my mind around this whole concept as of yet.

You see, in a way, because I'm dealing with infertility, I want my life to just stop.  I want to hit pause... to go through my IVF cycles, eventually somehow get pregnant or become a mother and then hit play.  I'd gladly resume my life then.  The thing is though, we all know that's not how it goes.  Life continues for everyone else and for us.  Infertility, which is the biggest, most stressful and difficult thing in my life right now, is not my.life (even though most days I'd beg to differ on that statement).  I'll be honest - - - I've certainly had a (big) hand in pushing things in my life away recently.  And while I'm not yet ready to welcome some of the friends whom I've pushed away back into my life, or to respond 'yes' for upcoming baby showers or other social events, I know that I need to open my eyes a little and to try to (dare I say) enjoy what is happening in my life.  Gulp.  That's a huge undertaking.  And I know I fail at this every single day.  I don't find the simple joy or the happiness in my life anymore.  I let my infertility overshadow it...

In fact, I let my infertility overshadow getting a pretty big promotion at work on Friday.  After receiving the call with an offer, I bawled my eyes out about it while talking to my mom on the phone.  I was, and am, so overwhelmed.  How can I put 100% into a new position?  My life is consumed by my infertility.  I will probably (fingers crossed everything goes as planned) be in Denver for a week to ten days or so in July and I'm completely petrified that the training for my new role will overlap with my retrieval.  I feel like my life is saying 'move over infertility' - and that scares me.

I'm also sad to admit that infertility overshadowed my time with my family this weekend.  My mom, sister, my sister's boyfriend and I flew to Washington DC and spent the weekend with my Nana, Aunt, Uncle and cousins, who basically were like siblings to me growing up.  Don't get me wrong - I had a wonderful time (it's quite impossible not to have a wonderful time when we're all together), but my infertility is always there.  It's always on my mind and in my heart.  I don't want my infertility to overshadow times of joy and happiness like these.  But, I just don't really know how to keep it at bay.  I don't feel strong enough to push it away or to truly find joy and happiness in the other parts of my life.  At this point, I just don't think it's even possible...

While infertility certainly isn't my.life, it's definitely always there.  I know I need to make an effort to learn how to *live* while struggling through the heartaches of infertility...  I suppose it's something that will come, in good (or bad... we're talking about infertility, here.  Nothing about it is 'good'!) time.  In the meantime, I'm awaiting my cycle to begin with CCRM and hopefully, with God's grace and goodness, I won't need to figure any of this out...