The Truth About Me and My 10 Week Little Loves

I've come here to write many times since my last post, but nothing comes out. It's been hard for me to share my early pregnancy story here... I guess it's another side effect of infertility - something that's still very much a part of me. I want this blog to be a space of honesty and true feelings but that's where I get stuck. You see, I want so badly to come here and tell you how wonderful I feel, but the thing is... I don't. And I haven't.

I began feeling nauseous the day after I found out I was pregnant. The nausea (if I'd even call it that now) was completely manageable. I'd feel it in the morning, but once I forced myself to eat something as soon as I woke up, I'd end up feeling better a couple of hours later. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks on Thanksgiving day - all day nausea from the time I open my eyes in the morning until the time I close them again at night to go to sleep. Nausea like I've never felt before. Gagging and dry heaving at the thought of really any food or smell. Tears would stream down my face throughout the day out of pure discomfort, but also because I had wanted so badly to enjoy this - my pregnancy. To embrace it for all that it is, to be thankful and grateful and to truly feel blessed because these babies - they are pure miracles. And the thing is - I am thankful. I am grateful and I do feel blessed. More than I ever imagined possible. But I also feel horrible.

Nick brought me to my mom and dad's house in Connecticut one week so that my parents could help to take care of me - I had found it was near impossible to even walk into my kitchen without having to run to the bathroom and proceed to dry heave for the next twenty minutes. My OB had recommended that I eat something small every hour so it was nice having my parents help to make sure I did as I was told. My OB also ended up prescribing me two anti-nausea meds. The first, Zofran, worked on the first day I took it and then it just... didn't. So, Phenergan was added in to the mix and while I'm not sure it makes me feel better, it does make me sleep - and that's good because when I sleep, it's really the only time I don't feel sick.

I think I've finally turned a corner - I'm finding that I do feel better for longer periods of time throughout the day. Yesterday, Christmas Day, was great.  I felt good all day.  But, I did make a bee-line for the bathroom the second we arrived home from my in-laws house. Small steps, I suppose?

So... you see, this is exactly why I haven't wanted to post. This is the.last.thing I'd want to read if this came across my feed a year ago. A year ago... I can't stop thinking about it... Last year on Christmas Eve, I remember laying on a couch at my parents house in the fetal position in so much pain from the physical reminder that my IVF #4 failed. I remember the tears, the heartache the despair and depression. I remember it like it could have been yesterday. I still feel that pain. I don't think I'll ever forget - ever. I'll never forget the unfairness of infertility. I'll never forget the two and a half years of pure hell that I somehow trudged through every single day. And now that I'm pregnant... I just can't seem to shake it... So, I haven't wanted to post because I haven't really known how to - I haven't known what to say. And truthfully, I've been too sick to post. I've felt crummy (physically) for four weeks. Most of those weeks, so crummy that it's been hard for me to get out of bed.

But, my heart - oh my heart has felt so full. So full of instant and pure love for two 10 week old babies that are just now becoming fetuses. Two inch long living beings inside of me that deep down I never knew if I'd ever be able to create. And that just amazes me. My sixth IVF retrieval and transfer finally brought me what I have always wanted - and more! It blows my mind away... Mostly it does because I can't believe I made it through that many IVF procedures - through that much heartache after five failed transfers of eleven embryos. That I didn't give up on my body. I owe that strength all to God - I never knew I had that much faith to carry me through and to believe in myself. That's all from Him. And last night as I laid in bed with tears streaming down my face after getting so sick (literally), I felt Him so close to me... Almost as if He were tapping me on my shoulder saying 'I told you so. I told you I wouldn't let you down.'

And so, while I always imagined a pregnancy full of weekly belly bumpdate pictures and buying baby items from the day I learned that I was pregnant, I've come to realize that it's OK that I'm just not 'there' yet. These babies are oh-so-loved already and even though they are kicking my butt, I'm now just thinking of God and his reminder of 'I told you so' with every bout of nausea that I feel.