3 Hours Later...

...and I'm doing a little better than I was this morning.  Perhaps it's because the questions/comments about my co-worker's pregnancy have ceased.  OR... it's because one of my favorite websites made me laugh.

Sep 27

#603 How to Achieve Two Lines on a Pregnancy Stick

fertility 8 Comments »

Fertility Tip: How to achieve two lines on a pregnancy stick.

(a) Pee on two sticks.
(b) Get a pregnant woman to pee on your stick.
(c) Draw on the second line with magic marker.
(d) Relax and it will happen.
(e) All of the above but d.

So, thank you to 999 Reasons, for helping to make me smile this afternoon.  And for making this sick and twisted journey of Infertility a little more light-hearted. 

(and congrats to 999 Reasons for becoming an eBook!)

Right Now

warning:  I'm having a bit of a bad day...

Right now I just want to scream

Right now I feel let down

Right now I feel robbed of the one thing that (in my opinion) matters most in life

Right now I'm finding it near impossible to sit across from my colleague who is having a baby in December

Right now I want to throw up when anyone in my office asks said colleague anything at all about her pregnancy

Right now I'm wondering why God is being so unfair

Right now I feel horrible that I could even think that God is unfair

Right now I'm finding it difficult to think about anything other than the pain that I feel right now

Right now I just want to crawl under the covers and cry - All day

Right now I'm letting the fear, anxiety and worry win

Right now I wish I had more Faith

Now that I got this out, I'm going to try to think positively for the rest of the day... starting RIGHT NOW!

Wish me luck and please send me your prayers. 

I'm praying for strength and hope - I need it today.

This mornings' pins....

Ok, I know the 1st one is horrible, but this is my infertility blog and truth be told, this is what us infertiles think.

I'll redeem this horrible (but something that seems to unfortunately be somewhat true) thought with a pin about my favorite word - Faith.

Some Randomness and Every Drunken Cheerleader

Something I didn't mention in my post from earlier today is that I'm home sick from work on this Fall Friday.  While laying in bed I was able to accomplish a few (a couple being quite silly) goals:

First, I finally learned how to pronounce Hoda Kotb's last name.  This always puzzled me.  I've assumed for a long time that it was either KOBE or KOTE, leaving either the "t" or the "b" unpronounced.  Boy was I ever wrong!  The Today Show announcer this morning introduced the show's co-host by saying "Hoda KOTE-BE" - whaaaat?!  At least now I know!

Second, Kristen Blake DiMera is back on Days of Our Lives!  I'm a huge Days fan.  I admittedly DVR the show every day and breeze through the weeks' episodes every weekend.  It's my big-time guilty pleasure.  I started watching the show religiously when I was in middle school (then taping it and watching it every day after school).  Kristen has been off Days for years, but I can't wait to see all of the flash backs as they re-introduce her character to the show!

Eileen Davidson as Days' Kristen Blake DiMera

Third, in a previous blog post, I had mentioned that I wanted to read this book.  Well, today I did.  I'm not going to write a lengthy book report as I did for Silent Sorority, but I'd like to share some of the thoughts I was left with, words of encouragement I'll take with me, and statements that left me thinking "that's exactly how I feel".

Kristine Ireland Waits writes in Every Druken Cheerleader: Why Not Me?:

"Let me tell you what you need to hear most of all.  God is not abandoning you.  You did nothing wrong.  This is not your fault.  You are not alone."

"When you get to the point where you cannot take another step, please look around and realize that, just by looking, you are moving forward."

"Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel to the fullest degree and then move on.  Blame.  Hate.  Love.  Fight.  Keep your eye on Jesus and your marriage.  It'll be OK."

"While you are undeniably happy for your friend or family member that God has chosen her to be a mother, you are reminded by way of the announcement that He has not yet chosen you.  The pendulum of emotion can be dizzying."

Roller Coaster

I've mentioned a time or two before that infertility is like a roller coaster....

An interesting fact here is that in my 30 years of life, I've never ever ridden a roller coaster.  Not even a kid's coaster.  Many trips to Disney World as a child, I was content with the "Its a Small World" and "Dumbo" rides (my poor Dad, I always held him back - but could always count on him accompanying me on these rides over, and over, and over, again (while the rest of my family enjoyed more thrilling rides such as Pirates of the Caribbean and Thunder Mountain)!).  My rules were no fast rides and no rides that went backward.  The teacups were even a little scary for me.  I needed to know what was coming on all of the rides that I took at the Park...

I guess my Dad got to sit this ride out!! (Disney World, circa 1985)

I digress... but there is a point (an interesting one, at that!) here... While deciding that I would not and will not ever ride a Theme Park roller coaster (at 30 years old, I'm still scared of (the thought of) them), I've somehow found myself riding the roller coaster of my life.  Infertility is my roller coaster.  Right now I'm at that really scary part where you're careening down the rails, hair in your face, eyes squeezed tightly closed, stomach in your mouth and white-knuckled from holding onto the front railing so tightly. 

I even feel like my roller coaster constantly goes backward (I don't do backward rides!).  I've taken so many steps forward - IUI, IVF, acupuncture, herbs, blood draws, ultrasounds, injections, etc., etc., etc. - but each step forward tends to bring me 5 steps back.  It's become painfully tedious.  Some days I awake with such strong feelings of hope and faith.  Thoughts of "it's our time" and "I will be a mom, I know I will!" flood my mind.  My scary roller coaster ride slows down and I can't help but to think that we'll reach the end soon.  But those days are few and far between.  The scary thoughts and questions of "will this ever work?", "will I ever have a biological child?" seem to take over much too quickly.  It's hard to push the worry and doubt aside.

My roller coaster ride is not yet over.  I want so badly for it to stop.  I want to get off this horribly painful and scary ride.  I want to exit the gate of the ride and run far, far, far away from this terrifying experience. 

I pray to God that this all ends soon. 

I pray to God that my miracle baby is on his/her way.

I pray to God that He gives me the strength to continue to hold on tightly until this roller coaster ride of infertility ends (prayerfully with a healthy baby in my arms).

I couldn't possibly end a post that mentions Disney World without adding a picture of my all-time favorite "No White"!

OK

I don't have much to say today, so I will just let my pins do the talking. This roller coaster of infertility brings upon many, many emotions - today I feel OK and I hope and pray this feeling sticks around for a long while.

In good times and in bad...

My husband was in a (beautiful) wedding this weekend and during the ceremony, I found myself drifting back to our wedding day almost three years ago.  As our friends exchanged their vows, all I could think of were ours - how we were so excited and eager to repeat word for word after the priest and ultimately say "I do".  It's funny though (it's actually not funny at all - I'm starting to really despise that phrase!), because not for a second during my wedding ceremony did I ever, in a million, trillion, gazillion years, think that today - almost three years later - I would still be baby-less, that my heart would be filled to the brim with pain and heartache and that the one thing I longed for pretty much my whole entire life would be so, so far out of my (and my husband's) reach.

I remember feeling so relieved when I got to the end (front?) of the aisle to meet my very soon-to-be husband.  I had been so anxious all day - and that anxiety instantly dissipated the second he took my hand in his.  We were giddy.  We were excited.  We were proud of ourselves for the hard work we put into making our wedding day come together.  We were (and are!) in love.  And because of all of our "I'm-too-excited-right-now-to-focus!" thoughts, I'm sure we both weren't really thinking too much about our priests' words of encouragement and advice as he spoke about what a marriage is and what a marriage should be - how we should be there for one another... in good times and in bad.

So, while I couldn't tell you exactly what the priest's message was to us that day, I do know the gist of it.  During our cereomy the priest had us each take a sip of wine, which tasted bitter yet sweet -and symbolized just that.  There will be sweet and happy times in our lives (such as our wedding day), but there will also be bitter and hard times in our lives (such has been the case for the past two years of dealing with infertility) and together, we will help eachother through the good, and through the bad times.  And this weekend while listening to the Justice of the Peace speak and deliver his own message to my dear friends, I was thankful for the reminder of our own message from our wedding day.  It left me teary eyed.



Because even though we've dealt with two years of heartache and pain, we've dealt with it together.  We've shared sweet times together and (alot of) not-so-sweet times together.  We've cried on one another's shoulder.  We've hugged and embraced every time we got bad news and each time, we held on to one another longer and tighter.  We've prayed together.  We will get through this somehow or another and while right now I have no idea how our infertility story will end, I'm beyond thankful that my husband is the man with whom I'm weathering this (really bad and really scary) storm.