Egg Transfer and a Happy Father's Day Message

Yesterday's Egg Transfer was successful.  The best news being that it was not called off... our embryos had continued to divide and grow and we ended up with one 6 cell grade C embryo and one 8 cell grade B/C embryo.  Sadly, based on the grading our embryos received, I feel as though the odds are a bit against us this time.  Last cycle we transferred two 8 cell grade B embryos - it's clear from our pictures from both yesterday and our last cycle that this time, the embryos are not as "pretty".  That said, I expressed my concern to the doctor, who informed me that she's performed many transfers of embryos with grades C's and D's that resulted in healthy, live births.  I pray that we'll be so lucky this time...
I've been on self prescribed bed rest since yesterday at noon, when I returned home from my ET.  It's been difficult (luckily Tink has ben keeping her mumma company!), but the time is passing and I know that taking it easy is best for my baby embryos right now.  I'm so fearful and worried and I just wish I knew what was happening in my uterus right now.  I pray that our embryos are thriving and growing...  Now we just wait... the dreadful two week wait.  I'm not sure if I'll POAS yet... I'm going to try to hold out from testing as long as I can.  We'll see!

On a separate note, I want to wish my Dad a very happy Father's Day!  Due to said, self prescribed bed rest, we aren't able to see my Dad today, but I'm hoping that in two weeks the reason will have been well worth it for all of us! 

Dad: thank you for being such a loving, supportive Dad who's always been on my side.  I love you so much and am so blessed to have you in my life!

xoxo,

Aubrey Blair

Day 2 in the life of my embryos...

We have two 4 cell embryos. One is grade B and the other, grade C, which has just a little more fragmentation. Last cycle at this point we had one 3 cell embryo and one 4 cell embryo. Both were graded as a B. The transfer is scheduled for 9:30 tomorrow morning.

While my physician doesn't say this is necessary, I am ordering myself to two days of strict bed rest (because that's what they do at CCRM). I'm beyond scared. After tomorrow morning, this is all completely out of our hands. The outcome is up to God. I just pray that He knows how ready we are for a baby.

xoxo,
Aubrey Blair

How similar is too similar? My ER results are in...

Yesterday's retrieval went well.  It's funny how the second time around, you're just more relaxed about the whole process.  The crazy thing though, is that yesterday's procedure and today's results were pretty much identical to my last cycle.  Here's how...

* Last cycle we almost missed my retrieval.  It was pouring rain on April 23rd and took us about 2 hours to get to my doctor's office.  As luck would have it, it was also pouring rain on June 13th.  However, this time, it didn't take us 2 hours - we left in plenty of time and arrived at my doctor's office right on time.

* This cycle, I was in the same prep/recovery room.

* Last cycle (with about 6-9 good sized follicles), 4 eggs were retrieved.  Going into yesterday's retrieval I was bracing myself for 0-2 eggs based on the fact that I only had about 3-4 good sized follicles at my last ultrasound...  They retrieved 4 eggs!!!  Quite frankly, I was shocked!

* Last cyle, of the 4 eggs retrieved: 3 were mature and 2 fertilized.  This cycle, the results are the EXACT SAME... we have two embryos (!!!).  (I'm hesitant to end that sentence with exclamation points and therefore, I've ended the sentence with a period, but have the exclamation points in parentheses - I'm weary of being excited).

* Last cycle I had a day 3 transfer.  This cycle, we're on track for another day 3 transfer IF my little embryos split and divide as they should tonight and tomorrow night.

To say I'm scared would be an understatement.  I'm utterly frightened and anxious for the next two days (moreso for the next two weeks).  I'm trying to have as much hope and faith as I'm able to muster up deep within.  I have my fingers, toes, eyes... everything crossed and I pray that we'll get good news again tomorrow.

xoxo,
Aubrey Blair

It's a go!

After hours upon hours of waiting, the Nurse finally called me yesterday late afternoon with my instructions for my retrieval!  I had been on pins and needles since Friday - after my appointment that morning, I really only had about 3-4 follicles (there was 1 lead follicle and a few smaller ones on each ovary).  My doctor wasn't convinced that they would move me forward with the IVF and even mentioned possibly converting me to an IUI.  She had me come back on Saturday morning and then again yesterday (Monday) morning as well.  I still only have 3-4 follicles... 1 lead follicle that measured around 21 mm, 2 that measured around 17 mm and then a smaller one that measured around 14 mm).  I know the cards are stacked against me this time, but I'm just SO thankful that the IVF was not cancelled!

So... last night I stopped my stims (!!!) and took my HCG shot at 11 p.m. (if you know me, I go to bed around 9 p.m. on weeknights so this was quite the feat!).  Today, I do nothing and take nothing.  Tomorrow, my retrieval is scheduled for 11 a.m.  I'm nervous.  Last cycle I had at least a few more follicles that were of good size compared to what we have to work with this cycle.  Last cycle they retrieved 4 eggs, 3 were matrue and only 2 fertilized.  This time, with the decreased numbers, I fear that nothing will be retrieved - or that what is retrieved won't fertilize.  These are the same fears I had with my last cycle of IVF, but this time I have so much less hope based on the numbers...

I spent some time last night going through and organizing the giant box of fertility meds that I have left for this cycle (in the midst of going through my meds, Nick and I found out that another couple that we are friends with are expecting...  Will I ever be happy for people again?!).  I cringed as I pulled out the progesterone syringes - I'll begin taking the PIO shots again tomorrow night (IF anything is retrieved)...

I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm pessimistic, and even though I have so much less hope this time than I did last time, truthfully, there is a little bit of hope buried deed inside of me.  I'm trying to grab ahold of that hope and clench it with all of my might. I just don't want to be let down again...

Praying for a successful retrieval tomorrow and for just one lucky egg!

xoxo,
Aubrey Blair

Happiness is...

...this little stinker who fills my heart with such joy!

Belle, who has many nicknames (Tinkerbelle, Tinker, Tink, Tinky, Stinkerbelle, Stinker, Stink, Stinky, Buggy, Bugga... the list goes on... seriously), can't wait to be a big sister.  In fact, she prays with Nick and I every night for a baby. 

For now, I count my blessings and thank God every day for sending me one of his little doggy angels to watch over me and comfort me on the days that are the toughest to get through... I love you Buggy!!

xoxo, Mumma (Aubrey Blair)

Miserable Mood Monday...

Ugh... I just can't get it together today.  First, it's Monday and Monday's are always the worst day of the week.  Second, my co-worker (who knows about my heartbreaking struggle with infertility) told me today that she's pregnant.  I honestly am at a loss.  How can you be happy for someone when you feel so sad for yourself?  The news announcement (let's face it, I've known about this longer than I should have) of her pregnancy left me with a pounding headache that just won't subside.  Luckily (for both of us) she told me in a work instant message, which was much better than having to face her as she told me this undeniably extremely exciting news (for her... for me, the news is undeniably extremely gut-wrenching).  God knows I've been worried about this day for weeks... I wasn't sure how I would be able to control my facial expression... All I could picture were my lips immediately turning upside down into a frown that I wouldn't be able to re-form into a smile to at least make it look like I'm happy for her...

How horrible is that?  How horrible am I???  Fine. I'll admit it, I AM happy for her.  I'm just SO SAD for myself.  Why her and not me?  I mean really, why not me especially with ALL of the assistance I've had including months and months of medications, injections, IUI's and an IVF?  I just don't understand...

Now that I officially know, it's awkward.  I feel like I can't talk about it with her.  I mean, I really can't talk about it with her.  I don't know what I'd say.  I don't know that I could say anything without starting to sob.  I feel so upset for myself that I just don't think I can have the normal day-to-day conversations with her in fear that this will come up.  And now knowing just makes it all that much more difficult.  The worst part is that I want to say something to her.  I want to be a normal person and ask her how she's feeling, when she's due and all the other questions that I'm DYING for someone to ask me someday.  But - I.just.can't.  I cannot be that friend to her right now, and it kills me that by not being able to be that friend, I'm not really being a friend at all...

My heart aches today.

Bad Eggs

Todays appointment was just alright.  I'm discouraged.  My estrogen was only at 57 (so it still needs to rise considerably) and apparently I have 3-4 small follicles on my right ovary and only about 1-2 small follicles on my left ovary.  In fact, I only had 1 follicle large enough to even report on my results flowsheet.  Based on all of this, my dosages of 10 units of Lupron and 250 units of Follistim will stay the same for now (which is fine - I'd rather keep it the same than decrease it, anyway!).  My next appointment is on Tuesday morning.

Until then, I'll be praying to God for more follicles and lots more growth.

Fingers crossed....

xoxo,
Aubrey Blair