Thoughts from up in the air...

I'm currently posting from 30-something thousand feet in the air.  My first business trip post babies.  Gulp.  I've dreaded this day since before my return to work.  But here I am sitting on a plane headed to Chicago... with so many thoughts swirling around in my head.  So bare with me as I know this post will most certainly be all over the place.

First up: blogging.  Clearly, I've been horrible at finding time to write.  I have so much that I want to document in this space of mine, but I'm struggling.  I'm struggling first and foremost with just finding the time to sit down and type out my thoughts.  When I'm not working, I'm enjoying every single second with my boys.  When they're sleeping, I'm juggling everything else that needs to get done: laundry, bottle washing, baptism planning, and trying to figure out and plan for our upcoming move (yay! We bought a house!!).  Basically, I'm busy and blogging has taken a back seat.  I'm busy with everything I have ever wanted, and I often wonder how the rest of you full-time working mamas find time for everything!  But in addition to my days being so wonderfully filled with so much to do, I still can't figure out what I want to do with blogging.  It's been a constant struggle deciding where I want to take Two Hearts and One Dream.  I can't seem to find it in me to blog much about life after infertility.  So, stay tuned...

On another note, please tell me working moms... Does it get better?  Does it get easier?  Do you eventually find time to do things like shower and wash your hair?! Does the guilt of not being with your babies eventually go away?  I'm having a tough time... I'm trying to keep it together, but I will be honest... I'd MUCH rather be with my babies day in and day out.  Yes, I'm lucky that the boys are with Papa Tank.  Yes, I'm lucky that I work from home when not on the road (or in the air) and at meetings.  But, this transition has not been easy on me.  I know, at the end of the day, I have to work.  I don't have a choice.  I am thankful to have a job that allows me to help support our family.  A job that helped us buy a house and will allow us to provide for our little guys, who we so prayed for... But it's still hard.  The hardest part lately has been that come five o'clock, Austin and Camden have HAD IT!  They are fussy.  They are tired.  They want a 'bot-bot' and want to go to bed!  They aren't interested in smiling and playing with mommy and daddy after a day of fun with their Papa.  It breaks my heart a little, to be honest.  I'm praying that we will all feel a bit more comfortable with our routine as the days and weeks continue to pass...

Life is funny.  It's wonderful these days for me, even though I'm a working mom who may or may not have washed her hair in three to five days!  My heart has never been so full and I have never felt so blessed.  I truly feel like the luckiest person in the world.  I can honestly say that I have everything I had ever hoped for.  It's almost unbelievable how much life can change in a year.  My heart is still with so many of you who are waiting to be able to say what I've just written.  I often ask myself why I was chosen as one of the lucky ones, and I sometimes find myself just waiting for it to all fall apart again (don't forget, I'm a natural-born pessimist).  I'm not sure how much my infertility journey, the boys' birth story, and then my recovery, has hit me just yet.  I've found myself flipping through hospital and NICU pictures a lot lately and I truly feel luckier with every passing day.  I am lucky to be alive today.  I am lucky to be the mom to two of the most amazing, beautiful and  prayed-for baby boys.  I know that life can be hard.  I know that every day won't be (and isn't) peaches and cream.  But I know where I was a year ago today.  I remember that pain, that hurt, and that desire to become a mom more than anything in this world.  And here I am today....

Coming to an end

My four month maternity leave is coming to an end.  And I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown over it.  Now, I know that I am extremely, extremely lucky to have taken so much time off from work in the first place, but it's still so difficult thinking about having to return in just over a week.  I am beyond grateful for my dad's help upon my return and it soothes my aching heart to know that my boys' days will be filled with more love than I could have ever hoped for during my working hours.  But still... my heart aches.  I'm trying to change my thought process so that every time I think about the hours I will be away from my boys, I instead think about all of the things we'll be able to do because of the paycheck I'll be receiving every other week.  I guess it helps.  A little. 

I knew from the very beginning that me returning to work would be in the cards for our family.  It was much easier said than done during the years that we were trying to conceive.  Then it happened - I got pregnant (!!!! Praise the Lord!!!!), and I was still OK with the fact that I knew I'd be returning to work once the boys arrived and I exhausted my leave.  But when my little three pound preemies arrived, my heart started aching immediately over the thought of returning to work.  Once we had a plan in place to move back to my home state (and in with my parents until we find a house of our own), I was able to put most of my worry aside.  But now that October 6th is so soon upon us, I feel like I'm walking around in a giant ball of anxiety.  Ahhhh!!!! 

So, I ask you working moms... How do you do it?!  Seriously... how do you turn your mind off from Mama to whatever your profession is?  Or do you never turn off your Mama brain?  And if that's the case, how do you add anything else in?  I can't even imagine being able to give my job my full attention.  I know it's possible... So many of you out there are doing it every day, but I just still feel like it's going to be impossible.  I don't want to be away from my babies... My little boys who I fought so long and hard for, who I delivered 7 weeks early, who I already had to spend time away from when they were born and in the NICU.  My.heart.aches!

On another note - we are officially no longer residents of Massachusetts!  Nick is finishing up his last week of work in Boston and will be with us here in Connecticut full-time come Friday.  He has next week off from work before starting his new job on October 6th (my return to work date).  I'm so thankful that we will be able to spend a week together as a family before we both resume our roles in the working world.  I plan to soak up every single second!

 

Where We've Been

Wow, it's been a while.  Our days have been hectic and crazy in the most wonderful of ways.  I hadn't intended for so much time to pass since my last post (and I promise to catch up on all of yours!), but here we are in September and on my boys' three month Birthday (WHAT?!?!)! 

 

I still haven't quite figured out where this little ole blog will take me.  I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with it... and truthfully how often I'll have time to share all of the happenings in our lives.  In the meantime, though, let me fill you in on what's been going on!

First - this happened!!!

We are moving!  In two weeks!!  When I came home from the hospital (with my boys still there), I had MAJOR anxiety about returning to work in October.  It was literally overtaking my every thought.  I couldn't stand it.  We hadn't yet figured out daycare for the boys and I just couldn't wrap my mind around my little, teeny-tiny preemies being dropped off at a center, or leaving them with a Nanny while I was traveling (truth is, I am pro-daycare and know that at some point, my boys will be in some sort of daycare - just not now, not yet).  My heart just about exploded with worry as to what we were going to do.  Ultimately, it was decided that we would move to Connecticut so that my dad, Papa Frank (or, Tank, as he likes to be called!) could watch them... all day, five days a week (he's a Saint and the best Papa out there!!).  And speaking of Saints... my husband is one as well.  Nick has known for years that my heart was aching to move home to the area where I grew up.  Having children of my own cemented that desire in my heart.  Couple my desire with my dad's offer to watch our boys and well... it was a done deal.  Our house was listed on a Thursday evening and on the following Monday we accepted an offer.  It has all moved incredibly fast and as you can imagine, in between caring for my little loves, I've been (trying to) pack, organize and everything else that comes along with selling a house.  It's been c-r-a-z-y!  Soon, we'll be settled in with my parents while we look for a house of our own.  Nick is in the final stages of interviews (fingers crossed something will work out!) and I'm fortunate enough in that my job allows for our relocation. 

Oh and speaking of my job... I have started to worry, really worry, about going back.  I just can't imagine devoting my mind all day to something other than my babies.  I don't know how you working Mamas out there do it, I really don't!  I still have about a month left of maternity leave and I'm trying my best to savor every single moment.  Perhaps my blog will turn into chronicles of a working Mom?  We shall see!

I'll leave you with some pictures of my little cherubs, though they're not so little anymore!  Austin is in the 92nd percentile for weight at 12.9 pounds and Camden is in the 88th percentile for weight at 12.3 pounds.  I sure am one proud Mama! 

Thank you Suzanne for the adorable onesies!  We love them!

Papa Tank refers to the boys as Texas (Austin) and New Jersey (Camden)

 

It Gets Me Every Single Time...

I just watched the season finale of Giuliana and Bill (a few weeks late) and as I sit here in tears, I'm reminded of my journey... and specifically, my journey of cycling at CCRM (all while I listen to my two miracle babies cooing in the pack n' play next to me... And that makes me cry even more!).  In this episode, G & B learned that, while everything went perfectly, their Gestational Carrier is not pregnant.  Their single embryo transfer did not work.  Cue the biggest lump in my throat.  You might be asking yourself, why is she so emotional over these celebrities who already have a miracle baby from a prior cycle?... Well, it's because this episode reminded me, in an instant, just how differently my story could have played out.

 

I know the feeling of receiving that dreaded call.  The call where the doctor is on the other end of the line telling you that you're not pregnant.  That you won't be having a baby in 9 months.  That, yet again, you will cry yourself to sleep, grieve, feel more anger than you knew ever existed deep within your soul.  I experienced seven of those calls before receiving the call that would forever change my life.  I still don't know how I had the strength to keep fighting.  To keep working toward what would become my sweet Austin and my sweet Camden.  Where did that strength come from?  How did I put it all on the line over and over and over again?  And how do so many of you do that, too?

CCRM: Retrieval #1

CCRM: Retrieval #2

I don't know that I will ever have the answer to how I did it... but wow... I'm glad I did.  I'm glad that I fought as hard as I did.  I'm glad that I put all of my faith and trust in God's hands as he worked wonders through the mind and hands of the magnificent Dr. Schoolcraft.  And as he worked wonders through my amazing nurse, the brilliant embryologists and everyone else who had a hand in my journey at CCRM.  I will be eternally grateful for everyone who had a part in every single step of my journey through infertility.

CCRM: Post Transfer

Because of them, I am sitting here, where I am today.  I am living my dream.  They are my dream:
 

 

 

1 MONTH

Austin and Camden are one month old today.  How the heck did that happen?!  My sweet little 3lb 11oz and 3lb 14oz babies are now just over 5lbs each and have been here for four weeks already.  I don't even have the words to describe the emotions that I've felt since the evening of June 5th when our sweet baby boys were finally brought into this world.  I am so incredibly blessed, grateful, happy and thankful.  I am a Mom.  A Mom to two of the most amazing little people in the world.  Wow!

(Sort of) Figuring it all out...

I truly hadn't meant to take such a long hiatus from blogging.  I guess I hadn't meant for much to happen that actually did the past (almost) month (holy moly, it's almost been a MONTH?!).  I didn't expect to go to my doctor's appointment two days shy of 33 weeks and to not return home again until I became a Mom (wow, I'm a Mom!).  I didn't expect to spend only two nights in the hospital prior to delivering my sweet boys.  I didn't expect for my platelet count to remain low (even after a platelet transfusion), resulting in the inability to have an epidural.  I didn't expect for the magnesium sulfate to kick my butt so hard that I wasn't able to deliver vaginally, sans an epidural.  I surely didn't expect to give birth to my babies via C-section under general anesthesia without my husband by my side.  And I really, really, didn't expect to be unable to see my babies for a whole 24 hours after they were brought into this world.  Wow, it's so emotional and I feel a lump in my throat from just typing all of that.

But... I also didn't expect to feel the love that I do for two, just-over-five-pound babies.  Oh the love... The love is indescribable.  It's more than I ever imagined possible.  More than I ever knew possible.  My love for my sons is so strong that it hurts.  But it hurts in such a good way.

Austin and Camden spent the first days of their lives in the NICU.  Camden, Baby B, came home after 17 days and Austin joined us after 22 days.  A little after three weeks from their birth, we finally became a family under one roof and my life felt complete.  Chaotic, but complete.  My heart was (and is) finally full.  I finally, finally, have what I've always wanted...  What I had begged and pleaded God for... a family... a baby... And I got TWO! 

Life at home with two is both tougher and more wonderful than I'm able to express here in writing.  We were blessed to have the help of my parents for quite some time.  My mom was with me since the day before the babies arrived and only left this past week.  Now that was tough... saying good-bye.  Here comes that lump in my throat again... oh boy!  Nick has four weeks off from work, though, and for that I'm so grateful!  While we're a bit sleep deprived on most days, we also feel like we're doing an OK job.  The babies are eating, sleeping, peeing and pooping all day every day and on top of that they get lots of mommy and daddy snuggles.  They've both gained weight and have received great reports from their pediatrician visits to date.  So far, so good I suppose?

I definitely doubt myself on a daily basis, wondering if I'm a good Mom.  I ask my husband and my Mom regularly if they think I'm doing a good job.  Perhaps much of that doubt is related to post pregnancy hormones?  Whatever it is, the doubt is there but so is the love and the love absolutely outweighs the doubt. 

As I sit here typing, I'm not sure where I want this post, or this blog, to go.  My babies will be one month old on Saturday and I cannot believe it - a month!  Four weeks!  What?!  How did that happen?!  I never envisioned myself as a mommy blogger writing about my children and life as a mother.  This blog may very well turn into that... someday.  But for now, I'm much too busy doubting myself, loving my boys and trying to keep up with their laundry to do much else.  So, bear with me and together we will see where Two Hearts and One Dream goes (I so admire all of you moms out there who find the time to blog and to do anything else other than feeding babies and changing diapers!!).

Thank you all for your love, support, encouragement and prayers.  I wouldn't be here, where I am today, without all of you!  XOXO

 

Update: Mommy, Austin & Camden

Just a very quick update to let you all know how things are with me and my boys.  Before I do that, though, thank you all so much for your concern, thoughts and prayers since my most recent update last week- it has meant the world to me.

My C section ended up needing to be under general anesthesia as I could not have an epidural due to my low platelets.  I had gone in to see my doctor on Tuesday the 3rd and it was then that we discovered I had severe pre eclampsia- my blood pressure was extremely high and I had  4+ protein in my urine.  For the next 24 hrs before the C section, I was told that I had to be on bedrest and was given the evil drug via IV, Magnesium Sulfate (to lower the chance of seizures), which was more than horrible (as so many of you know)!  It was then when I realized I had only one option: A C section underal general anesthesia.  There was no confirmation of any sort as to how long or short induction would take and given I would have had to have been on the Mag for the entire time pre-delivery, I knew there was no way... No other option... These boys would come into the world, really, with neither me nor their father being present.  Ouch.  That is still hard to process.  Additionally, I knew that I would have to be on the Mag again for 24 hrs after the C section, which would result in me not being able to see my babies for a full day/24 hours post delivery- regardless of what decision I made.

After the delivery, I had severe hemorrhaging and lost a lot of blood, which lead to me needing to have blood transfusions. Then I developed an ileus – when your intestines are paralyzed -  and could not eat anything, but only drink clear liquids. Thankfully, that has slowly gotten a little better.  I am now on 2 different Blood Pressure medications and am hoping that those are what I needed to kick start my recovery into high gear.  I am looking at a possible discharge date of as soon as tomorrow.  The boys may be staying put, however, for a few more weeks.

I never knew such love existed until I met Austin George and Camden Frank.  I never realized how there had always been two huge puzzle pieces missing from my heart that have now been so perfectly filled-in by these two little miracle boys.