Coming to an end

My four month maternity leave is coming to an end.  And I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown over it.  Now, I know that I am extremely, extremely lucky to have taken so much time off from work in the first place, but it's still so difficult thinking about having to return in just over a week.  I am beyond grateful for my dad's help upon my return and it soothes my aching heart to know that my boys' days will be filled with more love than I could have ever hoped for during my working hours.  But still... my heart aches.  I'm trying to change my thought process so that every time I think about the hours I will be away from my boys, I instead think about all of the things we'll be able to do because of the paycheck I'll be receiving every other week.  I guess it helps.  A little. 

I knew from the very beginning that me returning to work would be in the cards for our family.  It was much easier said than done during the years that we were trying to conceive.  Then it happened - I got pregnant (!!!! Praise the Lord!!!!), and I was still OK with the fact that I knew I'd be returning to work once the boys arrived and I exhausted my leave.  But when my little three pound preemies arrived, my heart started aching immediately over the thought of returning to work.  Once we had a plan in place to move back to my home state (and in with my parents until we find a house of our own), I was able to put most of my worry aside.  But now that October 6th is so soon upon us, I feel like I'm walking around in a giant ball of anxiety.  Ahhhh!!!! 

So, I ask you working moms... How do you do it?!  Seriously... how do you turn your mind off from Mama to whatever your profession is?  Or do you never turn off your Mama brain?  And if that's the case, how do you add anything else in?  I can't even imagine being able to give my job my full attention.  I know it's possible... So many of you out there are doing it every day, but I just still feel like it's going to be impossible.  I don't want to be away from my babies... My little boys who I fought so long and hard for, who I delivered 7 weeks early, who I already had to spend time away from when they were born and in the NICU.  My.heart.aches!

On another note - we are officially no longer residents of Massachusetts!  Nick is finishing up his last week of work in Boston and will be with us here in Connecticut full-time come Friday.  He has next week off from work before starting his new job on October 6th (my return to work date).  I'm so thankful that we will be able to spend a week together as a family before we both resume our roles in the working world.  I plan to soak up every single second!

 

Where We've Been

Wow, it's been a while.  Our days have been hectic and crazy in the most wonderful of ways.  I hadn't intended for so much time to pass since my last post (and I promise to catch up on all of yours!), but here we are in September and on my boys' three month Birthday (WHAT?!?!)! 

 

I still haven't quite figured out where this little ole blog will take me.  I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with it... and truthfully how often I'll have time to share all of the happenings in our lives.  In the meantime, though, let me fill you in on what's been going on!

First - this happened!!!

We are moving!  In two weeks!!  When I came home from the hospital (with my boys still there), I had MAJOR anxiety about returning to work in October.  It was literally overtaking my every thought.  I couldn't stand it.  We hadn't yet figured out daycare for the boys and I just couldn't wrap my mind around my little, teeny-tiny preemies being dropped off at a center, or leaving them with a Nanny while I was traveling (truth is, I am pro-daycare and know that at some point, my boys will be in some sort of daycare - just not now, not yet).  My heart just about exploded with worry as to what we were going to do.  Ultimately, it was decided that we would move to Connecticut so that my dad, Papa Frank (or, Tank, as he likes to be called!) could watch them... all day, five days a week (he's a Saint and the best Papa out there!!).  And speaking of Saints... my husband is one as well.  Nick has known for years that my heart was aching to move home to the area where I grew up.  Having children of my own cemented that desire in my heart.  Couple my desire with my dad's offer to watch our boys and well... it was a done deal.  Our house was listed on a Thursday evening and on the following Monday we accepted an offer.  It has all moved incredibly fast and as you can imagine, in between caring for my little loves, I've been (trying to) pack, organize and everything else that comes along with selling a house.  It's been c-r-a-z-y!  Soon, we'll be settled in with my parents while we look for a house of our own.  Nick is in the final stages of interviews (fingers crossed something will work out!) and I'm fortunate enough in that my job allows for our relocation. 

Oh and speaking of my job... I have started to worry, really worry, about going back.  I just can't imagine devoting my mind all day to something other than my babies.  I don't know how you working Mamas out there do it, I really don't!  I still have about a month left of maternity leave and I'm trying my best to savor every single moment.  Perhaps my blog will turn into chronicles of a working Mom?  We shall see!

I'll leave you with some pictures of my little cherubs, though they're not so little anymore!  Austin is in the 92nd percentile for weight at 12.9 pounds and Camden is in the 88th percentile for weight at 12.3 pounds.  I sure am one proud Mama! 

Thank you Suzanne for the adorable onesies!  We love them!

Papa Tank refers to the boys as Texas (Austin) and New Jersey (Camden)

 

It Gets Me Every Single Time...

I just watched the season finale of Giuliana and Bill (a few weeks late) and as I sit here in tears, I'm reminded of my journey... and specifically, my journey of cycling at CCRM (all while I listen to my two miracle babies cooing in the pack n' play next to me... And that makes me cry even more!).  In this episode, G & B learned that, while everything went perfectly, their Gestational Carrier is not pregnant.  Their single embryo transfer did not work.  Cue the biggest lump in my throat.  You might be asking yourself, why is she so emotional over these celebrities who already have a miracle baby from a prior cycle?... Well, it's because this episode reminded me, in an instant, just how differently my story could have played out.

 

I know the feeling of receiving that dreaded call.  The call where the doctor is on the other end of the line telling you that you're not pregnant.  That you won't be having a baby in 9 months.  That, yet again, you will cry yourself to sleep, grieve, feel more anger than you knew ever existed deep within your soul.  I experienced seven of those calls before receiving the call that would forever change my life.  I still don't know how I had the strength to keep fighting.  To keep working toward what would become my sweet Austin and my sweet Camden.  Where did that strength come from?  How did I put it all on the line over and over and over again?  And how do so many of you do that, too?

CCRM: Retrieval #1

CCRM: Retrieval #2

I don't know that I will ever have the answer to how I did it... but wow... I'm glad I did.  I'm glad that I fought as hard as I did.  I'm glad that I put all of my faith and trust in God's hands as he worked wonders through the mind and hands of the magnificent Dr. Schoolcraft.  And as he worked wonders through my amazing nurse, the brilliant embryologists and everyone else who had a hand in my journey at CCRM.  I will be eternally grateful for everyone who had a part in every single step of my journey through infertility.

CCRM: Post Transfer

Because of them, I am sitting here, where I am today.  I am living my dream.  They are my dream:
 

 

 

1 MONTH

Austin and Camden are one month old today.  How the heck did that happen?!  My sweet little 3lb 11oz and 3lb 14oz babies are now just over 5lbs each and have been here for four weeks already.  I don't even have the words to describe the emotions that I've felt since the evening of June 5th when our sweet baby boys were finally brought into this world.  I am so incredibly blessed, grateful, happy and thankful.  I am a Mom.  A Mom to two of the most amazing little people in the world.  Wow!

(Sort of) Figuring it all out...

I truly hadn't meant to take such a long hiatus from blogging.  I guess I hadn't meant for much to happen that actually did the past (almost) month (holy moly, it's almost been a MONTH?!).  I didn't expect to go to my doctor's appointment two days shy of 33 weeks and to not return home again until I became a Mom (wow, I'm a Mom!).  I didn't expect to spend only two nights in the hospital prior to delivering my sweet boys.  I didn't expect for my platelet count to remain low (even after a platelet transfusion), resulting in the inability to have an epidural.  I didn't expect for the magnesium sulfate to kick my butt so hard that I wasn't able to deliver vaginally, sans an epidural.  I surely didn't expect to give birth to my babies via C-section under general anesthesia without my husband by my side.  And I really, really, didn't expect to be unable to see my babies for a whole 24 hours after they were brought into this world.  Wow, it's so emotional and I feel a lump in my throat from just typing all of that.

But... I also didn't expect to feel the love that I do for two, just-over-five-pound babies.  Oh the love... The love is indescribable.  It's more than I ever imagined possible.  More than I ever knew possible.  My love for my sons is so strong that it hurts.  But it hurts in such a good way.

Austin and Camden spent the first days of their lives in the NICU.  Camden, Baby B, came home after 17 days and Austin joined us after 22 days.  A little after three weeks from their birth, we finally became a family under one roof and my life felt complete.  Chaotic, but complete.  My heart was (and is) finally full.  I finally, finally, have what I've always wanted...  What I had begged and pleaded God for... a family... a baby... And I got TWO! 

Life at home with two is both tougher and more wonderful than I'm able to express here in writing.  We were blessed to have the help of my parents for quite some time.  My mom was with me since the day before the babies arrived and only left this past week.  Now that was tough... saying good-bye.  Here comes that lump in my throat again... oh boy!  Nick has four weeks off from work, though, and for that I'm so grateful!  While we're a bit sleep deprived on most days, we also feel like we're doing an OK job.  The babies are eating, sleeping, peeing and pooping all day every day and on top of that they get lots of mommy and daddy snuggles.  They've both gained weight and have received great reports from their pediatrician visits to date.  So far, so good I suppose?

I definitely doubt myself on a daily basis, wondering if I'm a good Mom.  I ask my husband and my Mom regularly if they think I'm doing a good job.  Perhaps much of that doubt is related to post pregnancy hormones?  Whatever it is, the doubt is there but so is the love and the love absolutely outweighs the doubt. 

As I sit here typing, I'm not sure where I want this post, or this blog, to go.  My babies will be one month old on Saturday and I cannot believe it - a month!  Four weeks!  What?!  How did that happen?!  I never envisioned myself as a mommy blogger writing about my children and life as a mother.  This blog may very well turn into that... someday.  But for now, I'm much too busy doubting myself, loving my boys and trying to keep up with their laundry to do much else.  So, bear with me and together we will see where Two Hearts and One Dream goes (I so admire all of you moms out there who find the time to blog and to do anything else other than feeding babies and changing diapers!!).

Thank you all for your love, support, encouragement and prayers.  I wouldn't be here, where I am today, without all of you!  XOXO

 

Update: Mommy, Austin & Camden

Just a very quick update to let you all know how things are with me and my boys.  Before I do that, though, thank you all so much for your concern, thoughts and prayers since my most recent update last week- it has meant the world to me.

My C section ended up needing to be under general anesthesia as I could not have an epidural due to my low platelets.  I had gone in to see my doctor on Tuesday the 3rd and it was then that we discovered I had severe pre eclampsia- my blood pressure was extremely high and I had  4+ protein in my urine.  For the next 24 hrs before the C section, I was told that I had to be on bedrest and was given the evil drug via IV, Magnesium Sulfate (to lower the chance of seizures), which was more than horrible (as so many of you know)!  It was then when I realized I had only one option: A C section underal general anesthesia.  There was no confirmation of any sort as to how long or short induction would take and given I would have had to have been on the Mag for the entire time pre-delivery, I knew there was no way... No other option... These boys would come into the world, really, with neither me nor their father being present.  Ouch.  That is still hard to process.  Additionally, I knew that I would have to be on the Mag again for 24 hrs after the C section, which would result in me not being able to see my babies for a full day/24 hours post delivery- regardless of what decision I made.

After the delivery, I had severe hemorrhaging and lost a lot of blood, which lead to me needing to have blood transfusions. Then I developed an ileus – when your intestines are paralyzed -  and could not eat anything, but only drink clear liquids. Thankfully, that has slowly gotten a little better.  I am now on 2 different Blood Pressure medications and am hoping that those are what I needed to kick start my recovery into high gear.  I am looking at a possible discharge date of as soon as tomorrow.  The boys may be staying put, however, for a few more weeks.

I never knew such love existed until I met Austin George and Camden Frank.  I never realized how there had always been two huge puzzle pieces missing from my heart that have now been so perfectly filled-in by these two little miracle boys. 

My New Address

Wow, my how things can change SO quickly.  I am currently residing at a hospital in downtown Boston.  I had come in yesterday for a last minute OB appointment and boy am I glad I did!  After my appointment with the Hematologist last week, it was decided that I would sneak in an extra OB appointment this week just to monitor my BP, which had for whatever reason, registered high (for me) in the Hematologist's office.  So, in I went yesterday afternoon and I'm still here this morning... And I will probably still be here until I officially become a mom.

My BP was elevated yesterday, but more concerning was the amount of protein that was measured in my urine.  Apparently they normally see someone with amounts in the 0-point-something range.  Mine?  Mine came back at NINE-POINT-SOMETHING!  So with that, my OB sent me to Triage in Labor and Delivery and after several hours of monitoring I was admitted to the hospital.  I had the first of the two beta methasone injections to promote the babies' lung development and I will have the second tonight.  

I slept horribly last night, which I suppose is to be expected.  All sorts of emotions are running through my heart and mind right now.  I know I'm in the best place possible for me and the babies right now, but it's still just very overwhelming.  Thank The Lord, my miracle babies are doing great, it's more Mommy's body that seems to be shutting down.  I've been reassured that nothing I did or didn't do could have caused this, but it's impossible for your mind not to wander there...

I'm praying that I can be kept safe for as long as possible so that these sweet boys can continue to grow and develop.

I will update as much and as soon as I'm able.  In the meantime, please hold us in your prayers.  

UPDATE: the thought now is that I do not  have ITP.  Rather, the doctors feel that my low platelet count is a sign of pre-eclampsia.  Thus, the goal at this point is to make it 24 hours from tonight when I have my last beta methasone injection and then schedule a possible induction for tomorrow night or Friday morning.  Everything is being played by ear at this point... We won't know until we know, which has this Type A, over emotional Mama on pins and needles.  It's highly unlikely, that even with the daily steroids, my platelets will increase enough for me to have an epidural.  So, vaginal without a spinal is what we are shooting for (God help me) with the understanding that should I need a c-section, I will be in an OR ready for general anesthesia at a moment's notice.  I can't even BEGIN to process this...