It Gets Me Every Single Time...

I just watched the season finale of Giuliana and Bill (a few weeks late) and as I sit here in tears, I'm reminded of my journey... and specifically, my journey of cycling at CCRM (all while I listen to my two miracle babies cooing in the pack n' play next to me... And that makes me cry even more!).  In this episode, G & B learned that, while everything went perfectly, their Gestational Carrier is not pregnant.  Their single embryo transfer did not work.  Cue the biggest lump in my throat.  You might be asking yourself, why is she so emotional over these celebrities who already have a miracle baby from a prior cycle?... Well, it's because this episode reminded me, in an instant, just how differently my story could have played out.

 

I know the feeling of receiving that dreaded call.  The call where the doctor is on the other end of the line telling you that you're not pregnant.  That you won't be having a baby in 9 months.  That, yet again, you will cry yourself to sleep, grieve, feel more anger than you knew ever existed deep within your soul.  I experienced seven of those calls before receiving the call that would forever change my life.  I still don't know how I had the strength to keep fighting.  To keep working toward what would become my sweet Austin and my sweet Camden.  Where did that strength come from?  How did I put it all on the line over and over and over again?  And how do so many of you do that, too?

CCRM: Retrieval #1

CCRM: Retrieval #2

I don't know that I will ever have the answer to how I did it... but wow... I'm glad I did.  I'm glad that I fought as hard as I did.  I'm glad that I put all of my faith and trust in God's hands as he worked wonders through the mind and hands of the magnificent Dr. Schoolcraft.  And as he worked wonders through my amazing nurse, the brilliant embryologists and everyone else who had a hand in my journey at CCRM.  I will be eternally grateful for everyone who had a part in every single step of my journey through infertility.

CCRM: Post Transfer

Because of them, I am sitting here, where I am today.  I am living my dream.  They are my dream:
 

 

 

1 MONTH

Austin and Camden are one month old today.  How the heck did that happen?!  My sweet little 3lb 11oz and 3lb 14oz babies are now just over 5lbs each and have been here for four weeks already.  I don't even have the words to describe the emotions that I've felt since the evening of June 5th when our sweet baby boys were finally brought into this world.  I am so incredibly blessed, grateful, happy and thankful.  I am a Mom.  A Mom to two of the most amazing little people in the world.  Wow!

(Sort of) Figuring it all out...

I truly hadn't meant to take such a long hiatus from blogging.  I guess I hadn't meant for much to happen that actually did the past (almost) month (holy moly, it's almost been a MONTH?!).  I didn't expect to go to my doctor's appointment two days shy of 33 weeks and to not return home again until I became a Mom (wow, I'm a Mom!).  I didn't expect to spend only two nights in the hospital prior to delivering my sweet boys.  I didn't expect for my platelet count to remain low (even after a platelet transfusion), resulting in the inability to have an epidural.  I didn't expect for the magnesium sulfate to kick my butt so hard that I wasn't able to deliver vaginally, sans an epidural.  I surely didn't expect to give birth to my babies via C-section under general anesthesia without my husband by my side.  And I really, really, didn't expect to be unable to see my babies for a whole 24 hours after they were brought into this world.  Wow, it's so emotional and I feel a lump in my throat from just typing all of that.

But... I also didn't expect to feel the love that I do for two, just-over-five-pound babies.  Oh the love... The love is indescribable.  It's more than I ever imagined possible.  More than I ever knew possible.  My love for my sons is so strong that it hurts.  But it hurts in such a good way.

Austin and Camden spent the first days of their lives in the NICU.  Camden, Baby B, came home after 17 days and Austin joined us after 22 days.  A little after three weeks from their birth, we finally became a family under one roof and my life felt complete.  Chaotic, but complete.  My heart was (and is) finally full.  I finally, finally, have what I've always wanted...  What I had begged and pleaded God for... a family... a baby... And I got TWO! 

Life at home with two is both tougher and more wonderful than I'm able to express here in writing.  We were blessed to have the help of my parents for quite some time.  My mom was with me since the day before the babies arrived and only left this past week.  Now that was tough... saying good-bye.  Here comes that lump in my throat again... oh boy!  Nick has four weeks off from work, though, and for that I'm so grateful!  While we're a bit sleep deprived on most days, we also feel like we're doing an OK job.  The babies are eating, sleeping, peeing and pooping all day every day and on top of that they get lots of mommy and daddy snuggles.  They've both gained weight and have received great reports from their pediatrician visits to date.  So far, so good I suppose?

I definitely doubt myself on a daily basis, wondering if I'm a good Mom.  I ask my husband and my Mom regularly if they think I'm doing a good job.  Perhaps much of that doubt is related to post pregnancy hormones?  Whatever it is, the doubt is there but so is the love and the love absolutely outweighs the doubt. 

As I sit here typing, I'm not sure where I want this post, or this blog, to go.  My babies will be one month old on Saturday and I cannot believe it - a month!  Four weeks!  What?!  How did that happen?!  I never envisioned myself as a mommy blogger writing about my children and life as a mother.  This blog may very well turn into that... someday.  But for now, I'm much too busy doubting myself, loving my boys and trying to keep up with their laundry to do much else.  So, bear with me and together we will see where Two Hearts and One Dream goes (I so admire all of you moms out there who find the time to blog and to do anything else other than feeding babies and changing diapers!!).

Thank you all for your love, support, encouragement and prayers.  I wouldn't be here, where I am today, without all of you!  XOXO

 

Update: Mommy, Austin & Camden

Just a very quick update to let you all know how things are with me and my boys.  Before I do that, though, thank you all so much for your concern, thoughts and prayers since my most recent update last week- it has meant the world to me.

My C section ended up needing to be under general anesthesia as I could not have an epidural due to my low platelets.  I had gone in to see my doctor on Tuesday the 3rd and it was then that we discovered I had severe pre eclampsia- my blood pressure was extremely high and I had  4+ protein in my urine.  For the next 24 hrs before the C section, I was told that I had to be on bedrest and was given the evil drug via IV, Magnesium Sulfate (to lower the chance of seizures), which was more than horrible (as so many of you know)!  It was then when I realized I had only one option: A C section underal general anesthesia.  There was no confirmation of any sort as to how long or short induction would take and given I would have had to have been on the Mag for the entire time pre-delivery, I knew there was no way... No other option... These boys would come into the world, really, with neither me nor their father being present.  Ouch.  That is still hard to process.  Additionally, I knew that I would have to be on the Mag again for 24 hrs after the C section, which would result in me not being able to see my babies for a full day/24 hours post delivery- regardless of what decision I made.

After the delivery, I had severe hemorrhaging and lost a lot of blood, which lead to me needing to have blood transfusions. Then I developed an ileus – when your intestines are paralyzed -  and could not eat anything, but only drink clear liquids. Thankfully, that has slowly gotten a little better.  I am now on 2 different Blood Pressure medications and am hoping that those are what I needed to kick start my recovery into high gear.  I am looking at a possible discharge date of as soon as tomorrow.  The boys may be staying put, however, for a few more weeks.

I never knew such love existed until I met Austin George and Camden Frank.  I never realized how there had always been two huge puzzle pieces missing from my heart that have now been so perfectly filled-in by these two little miracle boys. 

My New Address

Wow, my how things can change SO quickly.  I am currently residing at a hospital in downtown Boston.  I had come in yesterday for a last minute OB appointment and boy am I glad I did!  After my appointment with the Hematologist last week, it was decided that I would sneak in an extra OB appointment this week just to monitor my BP, which had for whatever reason, registered high (for me) in the Hematologist's office.  So, in I went yesterday afternoon and I'm still here this morning... And I will probably still be here until I officially become a mom.

My BP was elevated yesterday, but more concerning was the amount of protein that was measured in my urine.  Apparently they normally see someone with amounts in the 0-point-something range.  Mine?  Mine came back at NINE-POINT-SOMETHING!  So with that, my OB sent me to Triage in Labor and Delivery and after several hours of monitoring I was admitted to the hospital.  I had the first of the two beta methasone injections to promote the babies' lung development and I will have the second tonight.  

I slept horribly last night, which I suppose is to be expected.  All sorts of emotions are running through my heart and mind right now.  I know I'm in the best place possible for me and the babies right now, but it's still just very overwhelming.  Thank The Lord, my miracle babies are doing great, it's more Mommy's body that seems to be shutting down.  I've been reassured that nothing I did or didn't do could have caused this, but it's impossible for your mind not to wander there...

I'm praying that I can be kept safe for as long as possible so that these sweet boys can continue to grow and develop.

I will update as much and as soon as I'm able.  In the meantime, please hold us in your prayers.  

UPDATE: the thought now is that I do not  have ITP.  Rather, the doctors feel that my low platelet count is a sign of pre-eclampsia.  Thus, the goal at this point is to make it 24 hours from tonight when I have my last beta methasone injection and then schedule a possible induction for tomorrow night or Friday morning.  Everything is being played by ear at this point... We won't know until we know, which has this Type A, over emotional Mama on pins and needles.  It's highly unlikely, that even with the daily steroids, my platelets will increase enough for me to have an epidural.  So, vaginal without a spinal is what we are shooting for (God help me) with the understanding that should I need a c-section, I will be in an OR ready for general anesthesia at a moment's notice.  I can't even BEGIN to process this...

Babies Bump and 32 Week Update

32 Weeks Looks Like This:

How far along:  The above picture was taken at 32 weeks and 3 days. 

Total weight gain?  I'm still up 42lbs and boy oh boy am I feeling that extra weight!

Maternity clothes?  YES!

Stretch marks?  Still none.... yay!

Sleep:  I still have the blocked nostril issue.  But once I've fallen asleep, it's wonderful... Until I wake up for the every two hours bathroom breaks :)

Best moment this week:  I'm officially on leave from work and that has by far been the best moment of this 32nd week!  I had been plugging away just fine with my job.  I'm lucky in that, aside from client meetings, I get to work from home (which, lets face it, since finding out I was pregnant I would work from my couch rather than from my home office!).  My job, however, comes with a lot of stress.  And I'm not a very laid back person so the normal stress turns into uber-stress for someone like me.  Anyhow, over the past couple of weeks I've really been feeling the stress in other ways, i.e. my severe cramping.  I started noticing the cramping while driving to meetings, while presenting at meetings and while rushing home to my computer to answer all of the e-mails that had come in while I was out of the office.  I mentioned this to my doctor and she said she'd support what I thought was best.  At that time, I figured I could get through the next two weeks, at least, and then re-visit the work situation at my next appointment.  Well, that was until I received a phone call about a platelet issue that I have.  I had my blood drawn at a recent appointment for a total blood count.  The last time I had this done was for my gestational diabetes screening and at that time, my platelet number came back just a little lower than what's considered the normal range (the lowest end of the normal range is 150 and mine came back at 140).  Because of this, it was decided that I would have them re-checked.  Well, this time, my platelet count came back at 61.  So, with that, I was referred to a Hematologist.  In speaking with my OB and also the Hematologist, with whom I met on Thursday, I learned that the problem with this low platelet issue is that should I need to have a C-section (which is very possible with a twin pregnancy), my platelet count would have to be at least 80 in order to have an epidural.  If my platelet count were not above 80, then I'd have to deliver the babies under general anesthesia.  If a C-section were not needed, then I'd have to deliver vaginally with no epidural what-so-ever.  I know that is something that is not impossible and if I had to do it, I guess I could.  I just always thought that an epidural is the way I'd go since becoming pregnant.  So, with all that being said, I'm now on a treatment plan to hopefully increase my platelet count to at least over 80 for my delivery date.  I'm currently taking an oral steroid tablet every morning.  I will be monitored closely in Boston so that my dosage can be increased, if necessary (the one good thing about taking the steroids is that, if the babies come early, it could help to promote their lung development).  If the steroid plan doesn't work, then another treatment would be to have the IVIg blood infusions.  Once I deliver, I'll be followed by the Hematologist to see if this was all just a fluke/symptom from a twin pregnancy, or, if I'll need to be monitored for this condition further.  Most importantly, the babies are OK.  But needless to say, with all of this extra stress, it was decided that I will no longer be working so that I can focus on myself, my babies and now also all of my extra doctor's appointments until delivery.  I can't tell you the weight that not working has already lifted from my shoulders.

Miss anything?  I really don't.  I feel like my life is as full as it has ever been.  Typing that takes my breath away because not too long ago, I never imagined true happiness being something that would present in my life ever again.  Oh my heart.  Sometimes this is all just a bit too overwhelming.  Where I came from to where I am today.  The only explanation is God.  God's hands were all over these two miracles from before they were even embryos.  They are lucky, lucky boys.

Movement:  My boys are still very active.  Their movement is visible to the naked eye and I love every second of their kicks and nudges!

Food cravings:  I think I've officially entered the stage of not even wanting to eat.  I constantly feel full because of the lack of room in my stomach and even if I do feel hungry I can't figure out what it is that I want to eat.  Add gestational diabetes into that equation and eating stinks!

Anything make you queasy or sick?  Still nothing in particular, but anything can still do the trick.  a side effect of the steroids is to have a queasy stomach, so I'm really hoping that my dosage won't have to be increased.  I've had enough of the nausea during the first four months of this pregnancy!

Gender:  LOVE my Boys!

Labor Signs:  None.  Unless you count the cramping I've been having.  At my last appointment, my cervix was still long and closed, proving that the cramping has not started any sort of dilation.  Let's hope things stay that way for at least another 4, 5 or even 6 weeks!

Symptoms:  The same…. linea nigra, some ligament pain on my left side in my hip/upper leg area, nasal congestion, restlessness, some back pain, the weird "rash" on the palm of my hands, general discomfort, sore and swollen feet, lower uterine cramping....

Belly button in or out?  In.  But I just might have an outtie soon!

Wedding rings on or off?  Off.

Looking forward to:  An upcoming week of relaxation and no work.  I have a follow up appointment with the Hematologist and I'm curious to see what a week's worth of the steroid has done (or hasn't done).

Here are some other pictures from week 32 that I want to be sure to have documented:

Ready for babies!  I made an appointment at the local fire department for a Firefighter to install both seats in my car.  While there is now absolutely no room in my back seat, I just love, love, love seeing these little infant seats every time I get in my car to go somewhere.  Totally warms my heart!

Also, I had recently bought two little going home outfits for the boys but knew I wanted to have special hats made for them, so onto Etsy I went... Shannon from Little Buttercup Baby made me these two adorable hats and they arrived this weekend.  They're perfect and are just what I was looking for (they look so big in this picture but really are so tiny)!

I laid the hats out next to their outfits and Miss Queen B(elle) had to inspect everything herself.  Luckily, she gave us her stamp of approval!



Babies Bump and 30 & 31 Week Update

30 and 31 WEEKS LOOK LIKE THIS:

How far along:  The above pictures were taken at 30 weeks 3 days and 31 weeks 5 days. 

Total weight gain?  As of my doctor's appointment today, I am up 42 lbs.

Maternity clothes?  Yes, yes, and yes.  When I'm home I typically am in sweats, when I go out, all I wear are maxi skirts and for work... I have one dress left that fits.  Thankfully, I only have two work meetings left to attend!

Stretch marks?  Still none... and I really don't know how that's even possible at this point!

Sleep:  Oh sleep... I miss you.  One nostril is still completely blocked every night and turning from side to side makes me feel like I ran a marathon.  And forget trying to get out of bed - that's a feat in and of itself!

Best moment this week:  I watched the most recent episode of Giuliana and Bill (last week's episode) recently and was literally overcome with emotion.  They were in Denver for an appointment with Dr. Schoolcraft and also attended his ball which raises money for infertility research.  During that particular segment of the show, Giuliana thanked Dr. Schoolcraft for giving them her son.  It just stuck with me and made me tear up.  It's just simply amazing to me just how many people this brilliant man has helped become parents.  From a celebrity to a little old nobody from Massachusetts.  I often think of Dr. Schoolcraft and CCRM and am confident that I wouldn't be here today, at 31 weeks 6 days pregnant with twin boys, had it not been for him.  He has blessed my heart and soul more than he will ever know.

Miss anything?  There really isn't much that I miss.  If I had to choose something it would be sleeping with un-blocked nostrils.  But, I've said it before and I'll say it again - I would sleep with a blocked nostril for the rest of my life if it meant I got to be called Mommy by my two sweet boys.

Movement:  Boys, boys, boys!  You are movers and shakers and Mommy loves it!  I love their nudges so much.  I love seeing their movement.  And boy do I love them!

Food cravings:  Still none.

Anything make you queasy or sick?  Still nothing in particular, but anything can still do the trick.

Gender:  LOVE my Boys!

Labor Signs:  I guess none except for some pretty intense cramping, which feels like menstrual cramps.  My doctor gave me a physical exam today to check my cervix, which is still long and closed (thank goodness).  She could, however, feel baby A's head - he's very low, which didn't concern my doctor so I'm working on keeping my worry at bay!

Symptoms:  The same… linea nigra, some ligament pain on my left side in my hip/upper leg area, nasal congestion, restlessness, some back pain, a weird "rash" on the palm of my hands, and low, uterine cramping (which I suppose is from baby A being so low!).

Belly button in or out?  In.  But it's starting to really stretch.  I have a feeling it might pop!

Wedding rings on or off?  Officially off. 

Looking forward to:  Everything!  And to hopefully making it another week with my boys staying put right where they are!