Who's the Culprit?

First, I just want to thank everyone for your support and mostly, for your understanding, as to my feelings after the comment made by 'that woman' last week.  I'll be honest: that comment hurt.  It hurt a lot.  Am I over-sensitive?  Yes, probably... and I know that.  But, the truth is, I get those comments very often and deep down I do understand why people (especially those who haven't suffered through infertility or who don't know anyone who has) ask that question, not realizing how deep their words can truly effect someone.  I get it.  But some days as an infertile, things just bother me more than they normally do, and that day I apparently wasn't reacting very well to my meds.

And well, speaking of my meds... which one of you is it?

Since starting Lupron and vivelle patches, I have literally had a splitting headache every single night as I lay down to go to bed and every morning as I open my eyes.  I can't figure out which one of these meds seem to be causing this mind numbing head throbbing... I've been on both Lupron and vivelle patches before and I most definitely do not recall this side effect.  I'm scheduled to increase the vivelle patches from one to four over the course of the next six days, so if my headaches worsen, then surely, it's from the vivelle (?).  Anyway, regardless of which one of these evil medications is causing my headaches, I do know this: they.are.horrible.  HORRIBLE, I say!  But, I'll gladly take on a constant headache if a baby is what comes from all of this.  Gladly! 

So, now, all of this leads me to my thoughts on my upcoming FET.  Oh.My.Goshhhhhh am I scared!  S-C-A-R-E-D.  Terrified, actually.  I just cannot imagine this turning out any other way than it has for every single one of my past IVF cycles.  An outcome with two lines is just unimaginable to me.  Unimaginable in every sense of the word.  I want to be positive about this, but I just don't know where to find that positivity, so instead I just try not to think about it at all.  And so, that's where I am.  I'm pretending that my FET isn't just right around the corner, because the fact that it's right around the corner means that I'll know if this worked pretty soon.  And again, that is terrifying.

Ahhhhhhh!

 

The Lady Who Ruined My Week

I have to get this off my chest... I just have to... so bare with me and my rant.

On Wednesday afternoon, my heart was crushed.  It doesn't take much these days for someone's words to hurt me to my core.  I'm sensitive as it is, but add in daily Lupron injections and those darn vivelle patches in preparation for my upcoming FET, and I'd say that anxious, stressed, tense and worried doesn't even come close to covering how I really feel. 

Anyway, I've mentioned before that my job requires me to meet with clients on a weekly basis.  This is always something that I have enjoyed doing - it's great that my job allows me to be out and about, talking to people (even if what we're talking about is boring old insurance).  But, over the past couple of years as infertility has burrowed its way deeper and further into my life, socializing isn't something that I'd say I enjoy... at all... especially with strangers.  Now, my clients aren't strangers per se, I do know these people, but they don't know me... not the real me.  They know me as Aubrey, the Client Executive, their contact for life and disability stuff.  They don't know what's going on in my life.  And they sure as heck don't see the pain in my eyes that is there every.single.day. 

So, as I mentioned, my heart felt like it was smashed into a million little pieces as I met with a new client on Wednesday afternoon.  This woman was very nice - we had a good, productive meeting - but when the insurance talk was over, we started to chit chat.  And that's when I always start to tense up... when it gets personal, because I know what's coming.  The woman started talking about her children... twins (I automatically think to myself, hmmm, I wonder if she suffered through infertility too?) and another younger child.  I could feel my heart beating faster.  And then it happened...

Do you have any children?

 

Ugh.  Even after two and a half years, I still, still, don't have a good answer to this question.  A simple No just doesn't seem to cut it... While my eyes are filling up with tears because of some stranger's inability to realize that you just don't ask this question to someone, that's all I can say, though.  So, I told this woman that no, I don't have any children.  To which she replied...

 

Oh yeah, you're too young.

 

And then, just like that, she was done.  She moved on to the next person in the room, my co-worker, who does have children.  I don't even know what she had asked him when I suddenly and quietly whispered I can't.  I don't think she heard me.  She was too far into her conversation with my co-worker about his children at that point (two that were born during the two and a half years that I've been trying for just one, mind you).  But it doesn't matter if she heard me or not.  As I said, my heart was crushed. 

 

You see, here's the thing... and it all goes back to thinking before you speak.  Would you ask someone who is bald if they have cancer just because they have no hair on their head?  I'm willing to bet that most of you are answering that question with a No.  So, then, how could you ask someone, just because they are a female who looks like she is of the child bearing age (whatever that means) if she has children?  I understand that this may seem like a normal question to ask - people have babies everyday, having a baby is what a woman is supposed to be able to do... I mean, what's the harm in asking someone if they have children, right?  Well... let's think about it:

 

1. That person might not want children.

2. That person might be trying (with all of their might, with all of their hope, their faith, and even their darn bank account) to get pregnant.

3. That person might not be able to.

4. That person might be pregnant with a donor's egg or sperm.
5. That person might be pregnant with their own egg and their partner's sperm and they haven't yet told anyone, you dummy!

 

THE.LIST.GOES.ON.PEOPLE!

 

As I drove home that afternoon, with tears streaming down my face and steam coming out of my ears from my anger, I realized that what really sent me over the edge wasn't necessarily her initial question asking me if I have children.  No, it was how she followed up to me letting her know that I don't have children - she said that I am too young.  What I wish I could have responded to her with is this: 'No lady, I'm not too young.  I am thirty one years old.  My husband and I have a lot of love to offer a baby, probably more than you could ever imagine.  We have good jobs and will be able to financially support a child.  We are not too young.  I am not too young.  But since you asked, as it turns out, I'm actually too old to have a baby.  Though I'm thirty one, my eggs are in their forties.  So, thanks for the reminder you big, fat, jerk!

 

Moral of the story: don't ask another woman if she has any children.  Just don't.



It's a Sunshine-y Day

I've recently been nominated by two of my sweet blog friends, rainbeforerainbow and Donating Hope, for Sunshine Awards. This Award is given to bloggers whose posts brighten your day.

 

The rules are as follows:

1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post
2. Link to the person who nominated you.
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award
5. Link your nominees and let them know they’ve been nominated.

So, without further adieu, here are my questions (and answers) from rainberforerainbow:

1) If you had to choose one person, other than your significant other, to live with for the rest of your life, who would you choose?
I would have to say, my sister.  She's my best friend (if you don't include Belle) second in line to Nick.

2) What is one skill/talent you’ve always wished you had?
I wish I could run.  I know that if I worked at it, I could do it, but I wish it came easy to me.  I wish I were one of those people who enjoyed it.  Who, when they have a bad day, they go for a run to clear their mind.  Ha!  If I were one of those people, I'd be a stick... Infertility causes you to need to clear your mind quite frequently.  And since I'm not a runner, I just let trashy TV do that for me :) 

3) What would you say is your signature recipe? If you don’t have one, what’s your favorite thing to cook/bake?
Anything sweet... cookies, cupcakes, brownies, cakes... Mmmmm!  I love to bake, but sadly haven't donned my apron in what feels like eons. Try to find a cookie/cupcake recipe sans chocolate!  I've scoured Pinterest and anything that looks remotely delicious is something that has some sort of chocolate in the list of ingredients (now, don't go thinking that this has caused me to eat any healthier... because, instead of eating the chocolate-y goodies that I normally bake, I literally just came home from the drug store (to buy baby aspirin for my FET prep) with three... yes three... bags of candy (swedish fish, sour watermelons and cherry twizzler bites).

4) What occupation seems like the last thing on Earth you’d want to do?
This is a great question... Normally people ask you what job you'd want to have if you could do anything at all, but something I would not want to do?  Hm, does insurance (my current job) count?  Just kidding... sort of.  I guess I'd have to say anything that's outside and in the cold.  So how about a ski instructor... I'd hate that.  I can't stand being outside when it's cold.  I love being INside when it's cold - where there's hot chocolate (see, there I go with chocolate again!) and a fire.  So basically, I could be someone that serves hot chocolate at the ski lodge, but I sure as heck could not be the ski instructor (plus, I don't know how to ski, so there's that, too!).

5) What was your best subject in high school?
Francais - hence, the reason I decided on that as my major in college.  My company is actually a Canadian company, so sometimes general e-mails are sent in both French and English... and I get giddy (because I can normally pick out at least one or two French words... yes, I have lost most, if not all, of my French speaking/reading skills).

6) If you could create a holiday, when would it be and what would it signify/celebrate?
My holiday would be a day to celebrate the fact that infertility no longer exists in this world (wouldn't that be nice?!).  It would specifically be for all of us, who have so unfairly had to deal with infertility's horribleness.  We wouldn't have to work, cook, do laundry or do much of anything on that day.  Basically it would be like Mother's Day, but for those of us who so sadly had to deal with all of the terrible side effects from dealing with infertility for so long.  Aubrey for President!

7) If you could, what one illness/disease would you cure?
Cancer. Definitely cancer. Every single kind of cancer. I've heard some really sad things lately and it makes my heart bleed for so many people out there whose lives have been affected by this horrible disease. Life can be so unfair.

Infertility, of course, and ALS would be close seconds.

8) What movie makes you cry?
Beaches. LOVE that movie.

 

But honestly, everything makes me cry. I cried just last week watching the 'Farewell to Finn' episode of Glee.

 

 

9) Other than your SO, who is the hottest person on the planet?
I totally have a thing for Jake Gyllenhaal.  LOVE him!  And I totally thought Reese Witherspoon was crazy for kicking him to the curb!

 

10) List one of your favorite quotes, and why it means something to you.
Jeremiah 29:11.  I've carried this verse around with me for years.  Reading it or hearing it just soothes my soul.  It helps me to believe that God will come through for me in my journey of infertility.  It helps me to have hope and faith in Him.  I pray that this verse will have even more meaning to me someday very soon.

 
 

*     *     *     *     *

And now, here are my questions (and answers) from Donating Hope:

1) Sweet or savory?
Sweet, sweet, sweet. I'm currently unable to eat chocolate in preparation for my FET and I've never craved a single M&M more in my life. Not being able to eat chocolate during the Halloween season is so hard (and don't even get me started on not being able to drink coffee (not even decaf) during the pumpkin spice latte season... it's so sad)!

2) What is your favorite season and why?
I love them all, but my favorite would have to be winter.  It's just special.  Nick and I got married in February, so the winter reminds me of that extremely amazing day in our lives :)

 

3) Favorite Bible verse or inspirational quote?
Jeremiah 29:11 (see question 10 above)

4) Favorite outdoor activity?
I'm stumped. I'm not really an outdoors-y person.

5) Favorite indoor activity?
Does nothing count? Or, does snuggling with my little Linky Loo count? Because that's my most favorite thing to do. Snuggle with my pup.

6) Any book recommendations?
Nope. Sadly, I have no time to read. I barely have time to read all of your blogs these days. So sad. My job stinks. But, I want to read this.

7) Do you dye your hair?  If so, why and do you remember your natural hair color?
Ohhh yes - I've dyed my hair with blonde highlights since my Senior year of high school. I slowly but surely added more and more highlights that, over the years, became lighter and lighter. Recently, I dyed my hair back to my natural color, though, and I'm LOVING it. I've had to do one full-head dye since then because the color faded quite a bit half way down my head. I may do a full-head dye again, but before I have a bunch of chemicals painted on the top of my head, I'm waiting to see if CCRM will be able to work a miracle for me.  Hopefully I'll have really crappy hair color for the next year or so!

8) Any tattoos? If so, what is the significance behind them?
No tattoos... But if I were to get one I'd get a very simple, very plain and very small (like, the size of my pinky nail) cross on the front, fleshy part of my hand in between my thumb and pointer finger or right above my ankle.

9) What has been the most significant moment/realization of your journey to parenthood this year?
Two things: 1.) I'm strong. Stronger than I ever imagined possible (though, it's funny, because most days I don't feel strong.  I feel so much weakness on a daily basis as I battle infertility) and 2.) I will never, EVER, not think before I speak again. Truly. I've been so let down by so many people since learning of my inability to get pregnant.  Much of the reason I've been let down is simply because of others' words.  Words can be so hurtful, even when they're not intended to be... Hence, the reason for the good ole saying "think before you speak."

10) What are you hoping to find under the tree this Christmas?
Anything baby related, because I pray to God that Santa will actually have a reason to shove some onesies, binkies, blankies, etc. down my chimney this year.  But, if baby related items are the last thing I'll want to see come December, then I'll settle for a michele watch (I've been eyeing these for months!) or a right hand ring (I keep telling Nick I'll wait for this until I have a baby... but that's getting old...).  A girl can dream, right?!

 
 

*     *     *     *     *

 

OK, here are the bloggers whom I've nominated for the Sunshine Award:

 

1) Our Journey to Baby R

2) Belle Haven Drive

3) The IF Journey

4) Little Mrs. Married

5) Our Journey to a Baby Bump

6) Hopefully Soon

7) Our Crazy Ever After

8) Who Shot Down My Stork

9) Genuine Greavu

10) Dreaming of Dimples

 

And here are my questions for YOU!

 

1) Why do you blog, and will you continue to blog when (I'm being positive for ALL of you!!) you get pregnant/have a baby(ies)?

 

2) What do you do for work (I'm always curious to know what everyone does all day long!)?

 

3) What would you say is the best piece of advice for someone who is just beginning their journey in the land of infertility?

 

4) What would you say is the best piece of advice for someone who is not going through infertility, but who doesn't know what to say to someone who is?

 

5) What is the item of clothing you want to buy most for this fall season?

 

6) What is your biggest pet peeve?

 

7) If you won the lottery, what would be the FIRST thing you'd do?

 

8) What is your middle name?

 

9) Where would you live if you could move to anywhere you wanted in the whole wide world?

 

10) How many siblings do you have - are you the youngest, middle child, oldest or an only child?

 

Ready... Set... Go!

 

So... Now What?

Thank you so much for all of your amazing support and for your sincere happiness for our miraculous report of having FIVE euploid (normal) embryos.  We are still beyond happy and are so pleasantly surprised with how things have turned out thus far.  But, with that enormous amount of happiness, comes a lot of confusion.  I don't get it... If all five of my embryos are genetically normal, then something else must be wrong with me.  If all five of my CCRM embryos are normal, then I'd have to believe that at least one of my eleven embryos that were transferred here in Boston, had to have been normal... I mean... right?!  Wouldn't that only make sense?

Well, I had the chance to ask my doctor those very questions last week, and unfortunately, I didn't exactly get the answers I was looking for... Apparently, my doctor doesn't really know if CCRM's protocol could have produced better quality eggs than my protocols and cycles locally here in Boston.  And, when I asked if there could be anything else wrong with me... if there's anything else I could test for, I was told that I've pretty much done all I can - I've had a hysterosalpingogram which showed no blockages, I've had a hysteroscopy which showed no fibroids or polyps, and I've had the BETA 3 Integrin test which showed that I do not lack the protein necessary for implantation.  Based on those results, my doctor strongly believes that I do not have a uterine issue.  Rather, he said, we know what my issue is: my issue is my eggs.  UGH.  I swear, no matter how far I get in this process, my bad eggs will always haunt me.  I asked if, at this point, because I have five normal embryos, I would be on the same playing field as someone who doesn't have high FSH, or as someone who doesn't have a crappy egg reserve, or as someone who doesn't have bad and ugly eggs.  And, unfortunately, my doctor explained to me that no, I would not have the same chance of success as that of someone who, I would like to call... normal.  Blah.  At this point, I was sort of done with the conversation.  I didn't ask what my chances are or how much lower my chances are... I just didn't and don't want to hear it.  My doctor went on to advise me to transfer two of my best embryos (two 5AA's) and then he congratulated on my good embryo report.  Click.

Here's what I know: someone who ends up transferring a euploid (normal) embryo, has a 70% chance of implantation.  Even though my doctor said differently, I can't seem to understand how I wouldn't fall into that same bucket of chance for success.  Yes, my eggs suck.  Yes, the most eggs I've ever had retrieved was 10.  Yes, I've had a cycle with a really bad fertilization rate.  BUT... I have five normal embryos, people!  FIVE!  And so... I believe, I have to believe, that there's a pretty good chance of something else being wrong with me... Or... maybe CCRM really does work miracles?

So, at the end of last week, I took it upon myself to call a Reproductive Immunologist in NYC.  If I want to move forward in having auto immune issues tested, there are some next steps that I have to complete.  I'll need my local doctor to contact the RI in NYC for a Physician consult.  The RI in NYC will provide my local doctor with the list of blood tests that I'll need to have ordered.  My local doctor will order the tests and then would receive the results a couple of weeks later.  I would then sign a release for the results to be reviewed by the RI and then I'd plan to meet with the RI to hear my diagnosis and a potential treatment plan.  Only thing is... I'll need to figure out how to coordinate care with CCRM if I have an immune issue... And that's probably the biggest hurdle I need to figure out at this point.

While thinking about all of the other (immune) issues that I could have last week, I also heard from my nurse at CCRM with a laundry list of things that I need to complete before transfer: thyroid blood test (scheduled for tomorrow morning), Physical and PAP (scheduled with my PCP on Thursday - I also plan to ask my doctor on Thursday if she can e-mail the RI in NYC for the Physician consult so that I can hopefully get started with all of that blood work) and the most annoying to-do was having Nick's and my blood drawn for communicable diseases.  Blood draws themselves don't bother me - but these specific blood draws have to be done using CCRM's shipping kit, which I paid to have shipped overnight to us for Saturday delivery on Friday afternoon.  This means, Nick and I got to spend our morning at a local hospital waiting to have our blood drawn, then explaining about a million times to the phlebotomist and her manager that the blood then needs to clot, be spun and given back to us so that we could freeze and ship it back to our doctor in Colorado.  Luckily, after a lot of frustration on my part, we ended up walking out of there with our vials of spun blood that is currently being frozen in our freezer so that I can ship it back to CCRM tomorrow morning.  It's not until CCRM has ALL of the results for ALL of these tests that I can move forward and set the tentative transfer date that I was given (in November) in stone.

And so, that's where we are... sort of in a tangled web right now.  We're trying to have as much hope and faith as we possibly can right now... and I'm trying to train my mind not to think so negatively.  I just still can't imagine this turning out any different than it has in the past.

Praise God

...from whom ALL blessings flow!

I received the biggest blessing of my life today (to date).

ALL FIVE OF MY BABY BLASTS ARE NORMAL!!!!!

 

My heart is so full.  I haven't felt this much pure happiness in years.  My head is puzzled, trying to figure this all out... but rather than making myself crazy tonight, I'm going to enjoy this amazing news.

 

I have five pretty darn good chances of making the biggest dream of my life come true.  And I can sleep tonight without the fear of waking up to face a day that might bring some really devastating news. 

 

 



My Baby Blasts!

Just a quick update from Amtrak as I head down to New Jersey for work...

WE HAVE FIVE EMBRYOS THAT MADE IT!  They were biopsied, the biopsies were sent off for the CCS genetic testing and my baby blasts were frozen.

Both of my frozen embryos from CCRM IVF #1 survived the thaw, so we ended up with a total of eight altogether.

The results are:

1 day 5 embryo, graded 3 BB, and

4 day 6 embryos, graded:

5AA

5AA

4BB

3BB

The 5AAs are 'perfect' and the others are 'good'.  One of the little guys came from one of the frozen embryos that they thawed on Friday.

For the next two to three weeks I will pray, pray, pray.  I know that these blastocyst results are good.  I'm trying so hard to be present in this success... to be thankful and grateful.  But the truth is, I'm scared.  I'm really scared.  This next report will be... everything.  I don't know how I'll sleep at night...

And we have....

.... 6 embryos (8 if you count the 2 that are frozen from our first CCRM cycle)!  9 of the 10 were mature, 6 of the 9 fertilized and 2 are still being cultured and watched.  I'm.... happy, relieved, thankful, grateful and scared.... Really, really scared.  My heart is very sad that we are getting ready to board our flight home.  I want to stay here until I know more.  I don't want to leave my embryos behind.  It's an odd rush of emotions.... to say the least.

We have a LONG road ahead.  We will be praying with all of our hearts for a good blastocycst report next week.  I will be on pins and needles until then, but will try my best to be present in this one very important accomplishment.  

Thank you all, from the bottom of our hearts, for your love, support, thoughts and prayers.  We are infinitely blessed for each and every one of you.  Please continue to pray for our 8 embryos (babies).

And now.... it's back to Boston....

.... with smiles on our faces and happiness in our hearts.... at least for now.