First up: blogging. Clearly, I've been horrible at finding time to write. I have so much that I want to document in this space of mine, but I'm struggling. I'm struggling first and foremost with just finding the time to sit down and type out my thoughts. When I'm not working, I'm enjoying every single second with my boys. When they're sleeping, I'm juggling everything else that needs to get done: laundry, bottle washing, baptism planning, and trying to figure out and plan for our upcoming move (yay! We bought a house!!). Basically, I'm busy and blogging has taken a back seat. I'm busy with everything I have ever wanted, and I often wonder how the rest of you full-time working mamas find time for everything! But in addition to my days being so wonderfully filled with so much to do, I still can't figure out what I want to do with blogging. It's been a constant struggle deciding where I want to take Two Hearts and One Dream. I can't seem to find it in me to blog much about life after infertility. So, stay tuned...
On another note, please tell me working moms... Does it get better? Does it get easier? Do you eventually find time to do things like shower and wash your hair?! Does the guilt of not being with your babies eventually go away? I'm having a tough time... I'm trying to keep it together, but I will be honest... I'd MUCH rather be with my babies day in and day out. Yes, I'm lucky that the boys are with Papa Tank. Yes, I'm lucky that I work from home when not on the road (or in the air) and at meetings. But, this transition has not been easy on me. I know, at the end of the day, I have to work. I don't have a choice. I am thankful to have a job that allows me to help support our family. A job that helped us buy a house and will allow us to provide for our little guys, who we so prayed for... But it's still hard. The hardest part lately has been that come five o'clock, Austin and Camden have HAD IT! They are fussy. They are tired. They want a 'bot-bot' and want to go to bed! They aren't interested in smiling and playing with mommy and daddy after a day of fun with their Papa. It breaks my heart a little, to be honest. I'm praying that we will all feel a bit more comfortable with our routine as the days and weeks continue to pass...
Life is funny. It's wonderful these days for me, even though I'm a working mom who may or may not have washed her hair in three to five days! My heart has never been so full and I have never felt so blessed. I truly feel like the luckiest person in the world. I can honestly say that I have everything I had ever hoped for. It's almost unbelievable how much life can change in a year. My heart is still with so many of you who are waiting to be able to say what I've just written. I often ask myself why I was chosen as one of the lucky ones, and I sometimes find myself just waiting for it to all fall apart again (don't forget, I'm a natural-born pessimist). I'm not sure how much my infertility journey, the boys' birth story, and then my recovery, has hit me just yet. I've found myself flipping through hospital and NICU pictures a lot lately and I truly feel luckier with every passing day. I am lucky to be alive today. I am lucky to be the mom to two of the most amazing, beautiful and prayed-for baby boys. I know that life can be hard. I know that every day won't be (and isn't) peaches and cream. But I know where I was a year ago today. I remember that pain, that hurt, and that desire to become a mom more than anything in this world. And here I am today....
