tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post83278631768072507..comments2023-05-10T03:44:12.972-04:00Comments on Two Hearts and One Dream: The Lady Who Ruined My WeekAubrey http://www.blogger.com/profile/10268033706598268682noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-2775989209224519832014-09-24T17:04:21.470-04:002014-09-24T17:04:21.470-04:00I wish people would just say "What do you lik...I wish people would just say "What do you like to do when you're not working?" It's what I ask because then if they have kids they say "well, I go watch my son play soccer," etc. or if they have a hobby they can say "I love to kayak" that way the conversation isn't kid-centric - it's life-centric and you actually get to know the person you are talking to. It's more open to multiple people joining in so it's not just "kids" "no kids' camps. Anyway - I GET IT - been there!!!!!!!! I look MUCH younger than I am and people say "oh, well, you just got married" (which is like your "too young" comment) I don't say - well, we got married when I was 38 and have been trying longer than you know...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-54040779537299272012013-12-02T00:24:01.679-05:002013-12-02T00:24:01.679-05:00I'm a new lurker, and I just read this post ju...I'm a new lurker, and I just read this post just now. A coworker asked me this one day, and when I said NO, she said, "Well, you're next." As though saying it made it true. I blurted back to her, "No, I"m not next because God f***ed me over!" I only said that because she was a Jesus-freak, and at that moment I hated her. Anyway, congratulations on your miracle. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-76771071249234260172013-11-09T21:45:08.818-05:002013-11-09T21:45:08.818-05:00I just found your blog and was immediately drawn i...I just found your blog and was immediately drawn in by this post. I HATE this question. It assumes so many unknowns and then makes those of us without kids feels inferior or worthless. It just stinks! For us, we have tried for years and had a miscarriage recently. It is so hard to know how to answer that question. Yes, i have a legitimate, but my heart and arms are empty. Praying for you guys and your little miracle, that this round is a success. Jessica Elyse @ Memoirs of a Mommyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04741247498292180548noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-36842761301152343122013-10-24T08:17:02.497-04:002013-10-24T08:17:02.497-04:00I found your blog from Dreaming of Dimple's su...I found your blog from Dreaming of Dimple's sunshine award post. I literally just posted a similar blog post of my own on this exact topic http://wp.me/p2xdnQ-do People really don't know how paralyzing and hurtful those 4 words can be (do you have kids). Sending hugs, I can empathize 100%. Kim @ Infertile Myrtlehttp://msmyrtle.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-58724120635781583012013-10-23T18:51:39.130-04:002013-10-23T18:51:39.130-04:00I HATE this question. And everyone will still kee...I HATE this question. And everyone will still keep on asking it, because it's what the general public does. Because in our society we get married, we have kids. And people don't think about the fact that this is an incredibly rude question to ask. I myself, have stopped asking this 4.5 years ago when I started all this. But people don't think. They don't understand that some people may not like this question. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I don't even have a good answer. Usually it's just a "no" and I change the subject. It's easier that way. Hugs. Risahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01134469272401945848noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-82902009361803646462013-10-22T14:11:53.150-04:002013-10-22T14:11:53.150-04:00Ok, so I'm stopping by from Melissa @ Little M...Ok, so I'm stopping by from Melissa @ Little Mrs. Married and I have some thoughts:<br /><br />-So, I can tell just by how you wrote this post, I'm gonna love your blog. I don't have time to really "take a look around...get to know you better" right now, but I just love how you write. (Ok..that's that :])<br /><br />-I will say I agree about not asking about kids EXCEPT I've had a situation I was stuck in where I asked BECAUSE the title of the class is "Young Families" (this is a church class) and is intended for couples with young kids. I will say I handled the situation horribly AFTER I asked and profusely apologized for unintentionally sticking my foot in my mouth (I have several friends going through infertility...I'm not sure what possessed me that day, but it did.), but I don't regret asking because of that particular situation. So I will say occasionally the question is begging to be asked, though it's a very rare situation.<br /><br />-And hoping you haven't written me off because of the last comment: I HATE the situation you were in. And that the woman was completely insensitive to your situation. I know everyone is capable of making the dumb mistake of asking a question that is highly sensitive (I find the question of "how many" a sensitive one because most people stare at me crazy when I don't know if they'll be ready to venture into the whole miscarriage discussion and take a long pause rather than just blurting out how many...plus, I just admitted I've been the insensitive one with my foot in my mouth. blah!) but she just walked away? After blurting assumptions of which she's really not entitled to. I'm so sorry! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06251860539960012315noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-46613678938140245762013-10-22T00:41:06.389-04:002013-10-22T00:41:06.389-04:00There just doesn't seem to be a good answer to...There just doesn't seem to be a good answer to this question. It's so frustrating. When I tell the women who ask me if I have children that we are trying, but not successful yet. That opens you up to the typical hurtful comments, such as:<br /><br /> - "It will happen when you stop stressing about it." I want to scratch my eyeballs out when I hear this one. This is the worst thing to tell someone going through infertility treatments. It's usually the woman who got pregnant the first time month they tried that says this to you too. Like they have ever had to wait 3, 5, 7, 10 years to have a baby. Let's see how mellow and relaxed they would be after waiting that long!<br /><br /> - Which always follows with this story..."I had a friend who finally gave up trying after multiple IVFs and decided to adopt and that's when they got pregnant naturally"....if I hear that story again, I'm going to vomit.<br /><br /> - Another great response I get.... is to just relax, drink lots of alcohol and have lots of sex. it'll happen." Like we've never tried that for months on end with no result before resorting to IUIs and multiple IVFs.<br /><br />The only think that seems to get the moms to leave me alone is to tell them that we are still in our honeymoon period and not ready to think about having kids yet. I do get the occasional, "You shouldn't wait too long", but usually the moms will leave me alone after I say that. If I don't get the "don't stress" lecture, then I'm pretty happy. <br /><br />However, I have been amazed at how many other couples have gone through infertility. When I get the courage to tell people what is really going on, I find many couples who have gone through the same thing as me. Infertile couples that finally get to the other side and have a baby, never make the stupid comments I listed above and there is an automatic bond that happens between me and that couple. I am amazed at how great it feels to open up and find another person who gets my pain.<br /><br />Aubrey, I bet you if you told that woman that you have undergone a few IVF cycles with no success, she would have opened up to you have how she got twins. I bet IVF was involved. You might have had a very positive experience with her if you both opened up and shared your IVF stories.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-17070188783944866372013-10-21T22:37:14.404-04:002013-10-21T22:37:14.404-04:00I'm so sorry she ruined your day. This is such...I'm so sorry she ruined your day. This is such a tough question for any of us, probably more so in a professional context, where you don't want to share your personal struggles with getting or staying pregnant. <br />I do have an answer now, but it isn't the one I was hoping for: "Yes, I have twin girls. Unfortunately they were born too early to survive." Sigh.<br /><br />I hope both of us will one day be able to share stories of our living children upon such a question.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-37358015063503919112013-10-21T14:47:04.038-04:002013-10-21T14:47:04.038-04:00That dreaded question... Why is that always such a...That dreaded question... Why is that always such a go-to topic for discussion with people? I don't understand it, it's so personal, and hardly as safe topic to discuss with someone you just met. I will never understand why people feel like it's ok to ask this. I am sorry you had to deal with that on top of having fertility drugs already messing with your emotions, hopefully your mood is better now though. XOXO Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15199609405121027764noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-46965996432159962322013-10-21T11:01:57.863-04:002013-10-21T11:01:57.863-04:00That sucks. So sorry friend. That sucks. So sorry friend. Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16445845152884940273noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-49071675120738621862013-10-21T10:43:58.893-04:002013-10-21T10:43:58.893-04:00I cannot even tell you how many times I've had...I cannot even tell you how many times I've had to keep my ladylike manners in check and not reach out and strangle someone over those questions and comments. I'm so sorry for the way she made you feel. She is a jerk. End of story. xoxoxoSuzanne https://www.blogger.com/profile/17076109137436674891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-77501123982387325682013-10-21T09:58:00.404-04:002013-10-21T09:58:00.404-04:00People are just so super ignorant... SIGH. Unfortu...People are just so super ignorant... SIGH. Unfortunately so many people don't think before they speak. They aren't sensitive to issues that haven't affected them personally. I know its hard, but sometimes you just have to be the better person and try to not let their ignorance affect you. Hang in there sista!shayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03343022560947651822noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-43571259823680918252013-10-21T09:38:16.227-04:002013-10-21T09:38:16.227-04:00UGH!! I'm so sorry! Learning not to randomly a...UGH!! I'm so sorry! Learning not to randomly ask someone if they have children has been the #1 thing I've learned through this community. I'm working on teaching that to R, too.dspencehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03028178955338687090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-28731285748111234652013-10-20T23:00:31.072-04:002013-10-20T23:00:31.072-04:00I dread that question too. It happened most recent...I dread that question too. It happened most recently at a photo shoot I did last Sunday. The dad, just making conversation, said "do you have kids?" I said, "No...". I usually say it in a matter-of-fact way but kind of a wistful way. Like maybe a hint of "i wish". And sometimes i add "not yet" & hope they can't tell i am actually 35. Haha. But anyway. I said No, but what hurt me was that he said, "no?" and kind of made a face. Like, "that's odd..." because MOST people have kids at our age. And he knew my age b/c we had just discovered we went to high school together (different grades so i didn't remember him). Anyway. The way he said, 'no?' is what hurt. They have two special needs kids and i wondered if they thought i had no problems, just b/c you can't see them. I know they must have a tough life. But i wondered if they think i have an easy life. You know? <br /><br />Blah. <br /><br />I am so sorry that happened. It really really sucks so bad. Brad's aunt once said to me, 'y'all better hurry up!' and i was FURIOUS. I said, 'WE ARE WORKING ON IT" quietly & through gritted teeth. I just didn't even care.<br /><br />Love this post. I totally agree. I told Brad before, "you know... I'm 35. People who have known me forever know i have always LOVED kids. I've been married 5 years now. Shouldn't they ASSUME we are struggling and not to ask us?!!" Apparently i am expecting too much. But i just don't get it. Even before infertility, i felt that saying "when are y'all going to have kids" or anything was entirely too personal. <br /><br />My IUI is this week, i think? I go for an ultrasound Tuesday to see. <br /><br />Praying for you. XOXO Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14815407660365883762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-88485915176101600592013-10-20T19:47:24.191-04:002013-10-20T19:47:24.191-04:00It seems like such a simple question, and most peo...It seems like such a simple question, and most people wouldn't think twice about asking it until they get a n answer they're not expecting. I never did until a few years ago (before I discovered my own IF) when I asked a guy at work if he had kids (we were in a group and he was older and there was a big kid discussion going on). He replied, "No, that was something that never worked out for my wife and I." The look on his face said it all, and I felt like crap. I don't think I ever asked anyone that question after. No when it happens to me I use something similar, and hopefully it will make others think the same way.Aramishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12275274008426941898noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-11478433477068533492013-10-20T16:50:41.853-04:002013-10-20T16:50:41.853-04:00I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Sta...I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Stay strong. Ignore stupidity. Unfortunately this is a very common question in small talk. Since I work with children, I am asked this by them all of the time and sometimes their parents. Yes...you get sick of hearing this question, but unfortunately people don't get smarter. :/Stephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07991605135348015789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-58960710173769970082013-10-20T11:52:59.216-04:002013-10-20T11:52:59.216-04:00Being married for 16 years w/o kids, I've been...Being married for 16 years w/o kids, I've been asked that question a loooooootttttttt. It would have been the follow up response that would have rubbed me the wrong way as well. I hate being told how young I am or "oh, you're still young." Actually, I'm 39. That's not really considered young. It's not OLD, but it's definitely not young. Ugh. Now the question I get is "is this your first time being pregnant?" Or "are these your first children?" The answer: yes! And my last. it's not like I can just get pregnant again. Kind of had to use a donor for this to even happen in the first place. Hugs to you. Hopefully your answer to this question will soon be changing. Amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16507432917936364757noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-85496919598094896462013-10-20T10:40:36.610-04:002013-10-20T10:40:36.610-04:00I'm so sorry this happened to you :(( xoxoI'm so sorry this happened to you :(( xoxoSallyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11544323816134342364noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-6352521638346948582013-10-20T09:14:47.084-04:002013-10-20T09:14:47.084-04:00Too young? Is she cray cray or maybe she's com...Too young? Is she cray cray or maybe she's coming from a place where she used ART herself and was older so she just threw out the comment, still bitter herself and assuming you will have it easy because you LOOK so young? Either way, I'm sorry you had to deal with trying to bury emotions in a public work setting like that. I know what you mean about still not knowing the proper response, but I do think sometimes a simple NO is the best response. I feel like anytime I go into any detail like "we're trying" that's when the ignorant comments really start to spew forth from folks. Emilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07415140299306373048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-42653749206357474282013-10-19T21:38:56.127-04:002013-10-19T21:38:56.127-04:00I had someone ask the other day and when I said &#...I had someone ask the other day and when I said 'no' she said 'why what's wrong with you?' Then laughed at me. Bleh. People suck. And we're so fragile too.. Hugs Mrs B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/12257400744295743552noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-25746971171135175762013-10-19T21:10:07.637-04:002013-10-19T21:10:07.637-04:00I hate it when people ask if I have children. You&...I hate it when people ask if I have children. You're right; a simple "No" just doesn't cut it. People really shouldn't ask that question, but they're CLUELESS! Oh my gosh, the "You're too young" comment just pisses me off! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that this week. xoxo ...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-50844902799335424302013-10-19T20:29:48.799-04:002013-10-19T20:29:48.799-04:00So sorry, those conversations are the worst. :(So sorry, those conversations are the worst. :(Emilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13310213902755561015noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-45640867194195514112013-10-19T19:09:17.690-04:002013-10-19T19:09:17.690-04:00If It's a total stranger (unlike your client t...If It's a total stranger (unlike your client that you may have to interact with again) I tell them "No, I want to, but I'm infertile and I can't" as I enjoy knowing that some of them recognise that he or she is being an insensitive jerk. Then I make sure I can get out of the situation as soon as I can, because I know what will follow..."Have you tried...?" "I knew someone who was told she'd never have kids and her baby is a year old!" ...or..."Just Adopt"...Oh, Fuck You! jAllenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06282963869813954232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-46288543785418181072013-10-19T17:22:23.998-04:002013-10-19T17:22:23.998-04:00So sorry that you had a bad day Aubrey!! hugs for ...So sorry that you had a bad day Aubrey!! hugs for you!Caroline @ In Due Timehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16261569299914107796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7033610836184814981.post-5636203712761662792013-10-19T14:40:55.806-04:002013-10-19T14:40:55.806-04:00Ugh, the "you're too young" comment....Ugh, the "you're too young" comment...really? Really. So you are old enough to be running client meetings and handling her insurance needs...but not old enough to have children? Really? Okay, thanks, guru. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. My semi-standard response the last few years for the "do you have kids yet?" has been "no, but not for lack of trying!"...depending on the facial expression/voice (a little wink gives it an entirely different tone, haha, or a sad voice...) and the person I'm talking to, it either just shuts them up or elicits some kind of sympathetic/kind response. Sometimes follow-up questions, but then at least they know what they're getting themselves into.Erikahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11909071293780469781noreply@blogger.com