Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Ten Things

1.  I arrived home from work last night to a rather large box sitting on my front doorstep.  While, yes, I've done way too much Internet shopping the last few weeks, sadly, the box didn't include any new Nine West shoes or Old Navy bathing suits.  Nope.  The box was full of this:
And I would be lying if I said I've been cool, calm and collected ever since opening this box of no-fun.

2.  No, I'm going to blame my complete and utter, insane and irrational meltdown in the car this morning on getting those meds last night.  It was bad.  There were tears, yelling (Nick), screaming (me) and more tears (the tears were ALL me).

3.  Naturally, we were fighting because we were sitting in oodles of traffic on the way to work this morning and I declared that the traffic is EXACTLY the reason why we have to move (anyone who knows me knows that I've wanted to move out of my house since before I even moved into my house) (obviously, moving is the last thing that we can do right now thanks to infertility and CCRM, which just sends me into an even bigger fit of fury and rage!).

4.  The horrible Boston traffic that I complain about on a daily basis is also the reason I missed my barre class last night.  Normally, any excuse to not work out is welcomed by me but once I start my next cycle, working out will be banned and so I'm trying to go overboard with the barre workouts now, while I still can have a somewhat normal looking body.  Once I start those above pictured awful, horrible meds, I can kiss a somewhatsortofflattummy good-bye.

5.  Nick should know better not to fight (Nick doesn't really 'fight', so I guess I should use the word instigate, instead) with someone who's been on Estrogen, Testosterone and Prometrium for the past month (perhaps a silver lining of an IVF cycle?  I can't be blamed for anything I say or do.  It's the medicine's fault.  Right?).

6.  Nick apologized.  I cried.  And cried and cried and cried.  And then complained that it's not fair.  And that so much has been taken away from me over the past two and a half years.

7.  I can't keep my head above water at work.  I'm swamped and stressed.

8.  I'm stopping my meds a full day earlier than I had anticipated (I initially had to start one of them a day early and rather than get my prescription re-filled, I've been instructed to just stop them all on Thursday)...

9.  Which meeeeeeans, perhaps my period will come a day earlier than it's tentatively scheduled to and then I won't have to stress as much about missing any of my new job training.  That would be nice, right?  Well, I got an e-mail today that my new job training was also pushed up a day and begins with an evening reception on Sunday the 14th.  Arghhhhh!

10.  I haven't even looked into flights, hotels or rental cars yet.  I'm too scared to let myself believe that this is happening.  Once it happens, then I'll have answers and I'm scared to get those answers.

Monday, June 17, 2013

A Good Weekend

I'm happy to say that I actually had a fun and relaxing weekend.  I'd be lying if I said that infertility was far from my mind, but even so, I somehow was still able to enjoy myself.  Though, that's not surprising - I was surrounded by my favorite people - my family.  Nick, my sister and I headed down to Connecticut on Friday night after work to spend the weekend with my parents.  Nick considers weekends in Connecticut as vacation.  I'll ask Nick:  "Oh hey, Nick, can you go do _____ for me?" and he'll reply, "Ummm, I'm actually on vacation."  My mom encourages his silly understanding of what vacation actually is by waiting on him hand and foot.  My mom will serve him breakfast, lunch and dinner (clearly I'm a bad Susie homemaker, as this definitely isn't what Nick is used to at our house!) and always asks if he wants anything throughout the day (sorry Mom, you definitely encourage this behavior of his!!) :)

On Saturday, we enjoyed a great day by the pool.  My sister and I ate a late breakfast outside while basking in the sun.  We all did a whole lot of lounging and not much else.  It was pretty perfect.
We had dinner outside on the deck and obviously, Whit and I took that opportunity for a silly sister photo shoot.  I love her.  We really are best friends and I'm so thankful that I have her.  Especially now, when dealing with other people, even my friends, has proven to be difficult for me.  Sister-friends are just different.  They're special.  They always understand.  And they're always there for you.  At least, mine is!  So, thanks, Whitty!
My mom is adorable in that picture.  I love her, too!  And I can't get over my resemblance to her in this picture.  I love it.  Oh, and Nick... well, I obviously love him, too.  My sister took that picture of us and told him to smile before doing so.  Once I saw it, I immediately noticed his silly smirk.  I told him we needed to take another, but I must've forgotten that he was on vacation, so he boycotted my request and refused.  So, that's that.  Apparently Nick can do whatever Nick wants on vacation.  Oy.

We were hoping for another pool day yesterday, but the weather chose to do otherwise.  The sun just didn't want to come out from behind those darn clouds.  So, we packed it up, took pictures with my dad to document the end of a great weekend and made our way back to Massachusetts...
...and this is what I came home to:

 The first arrival of one of my IVF meds... Saizen.  Saizen is a growth hormone and is an injection that I've never taken before.  I should receive another (big) box of meds by the end of this week.  I can't believe that it's all about to begin (hopefully)!  One more week of priming meds and then the big wait for my next cycle to start.  I am so ready.  So, so ready!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my dad!  Dad, I love you so much and know that I wouldn't be where I am today or who I am today, if it weren't for all of your guidance, love and support.  I love you!!
Belle and I also want to wish her Daddy a Happy Father's Day!  Belle is obsessed with Nick and has become his little shadow.  She is very lucky to have him as her Dad and she certainly has him wrapped around her little paw!

Today, though we are happy to have spent a great weekend with my dad, we're praying that next year's Father's Day is a whole heck of a lot different.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Prometrium Warning

I started Prometium this morning.  I'm instructed to take this oral pill (not orally, but rather, in the hoo-ha) twice a day: once in the morning and then again before bed.  My nurse told me to lay down for fifteen minutes after inserting it (gross) to make sure it's fully absorbed (double gross).  So, I set my alarm for 5:30 a.m., did my thing and then went back to bed for another fifteen minutes.  I'll be taking this for ten days.  It's been sort of chaotic keeping track of when to start and stop taking all of the meds that I've been on and am currently on for this priming cycle (and I know it'll only get worse when I start my stim cycle).  It's crazy.  I had meant to buy an old person's day-of-the-week pill box, but then realized that all of the pills I'm on wouldn't fit into one of the day's little boxes, so I nixed that idea pretty quickly. 

Yesterday, as we were driving to work, I was flipping through my trusty CCRM binder that they gave us at our ODWU.  I knew that 'The Payment' is scheduled to take place soon but I wasn't exactly sure when (we will be charged in full for this IVF cycle prior to starting any stims - hence, the rush in calling our credit card company begging for a higher limit.  Thankfully, they obliged when my husband told them it was for a personal medical issue.).  While browsing, I stumbled upon the 'medications' tab.  Knowing I was scheduled to start Prometrium today (note: of what feels like the hundreds of meds I actually have been on in the past, Prometrium isn't one of them), I figured I'd read about what I would soon be inserting into my hoo-ha...

"Oh great" I muttered to Nick.  "One of the side effects from the pill I'm supposed to start taking tomorrow is depression." 

"Grrrrrrrrreat", he replied. 

"At least you're forewarned" I said. 

Ha!  As if I'm not already depressed.  I mean, I am depressed, right?  I sure as heck feel depressed.  Infertility has sucked the life right out of me for the past two and a half years.  Recently, I even caught myself telling (well, texting.  These days texting = talking/telling to me) my roommate from college that the past two and a half years of my life feels like a complete waste.  When I stop and really think about that comment, I feel ashamed.  It makes me sad.  But, the part about it that makes me the most sad is the part about it that's the truth.  Because it is the truth.  A part of me really does feel that way.  I know a part of me has experienced a bit more depression with every passing month that I've learned I'm not pregnant.  A part of me has felt like I haven't really lived since dealing with the ridiculousness of infertility.  This is something I struggle with, not daily, but - hourly.  It's constant.  I know I'm sad, I know I'm depressed - but I do think I at least try to act like a normal person despite those feelings.  Normally, though, it's a battle that I lose on the hour, every hour. 

Anyhow, in addition to hoping that this little devil of a pill doesn't cause me to want to hide in bed under the covers more so than I already do, I'm also hoping that it doesn't delay my next cycle too much.  My anxiety is through the roof about whether or not I'll miss any of my new(ish) job training. 

You're killing me, infertility!

Monday, June 10, 2013

My Cycle and My Weekend

Well... today is day 20 of my priming cyle and I still feel like it will never end.  CCRM sort of dictates this cycle and lengthens it to 31 days (normally I have a 28-29 day cycle).  I am still taking Estrace and testosterone gel nightly and am scheduled to add Prometrium twice daily this week.  I'll stop all meds on the 21st and then hopefully my next cycle will start not too soon thereafter.  My mind is racing with all that I have to do: book flight(s) (do I book a one-way or round trip, not knowing if my tentative retrieval date will be pushed out?), book hotel, book rental car, take vacation days from work, etc. etc. etc.  My company has confirmed training for the week of July 15th and I'm still unsure as to whether or not it will coincide with my retrieval.  I'm praying that it doesn't.  I have a few days lee-way, but IVF cycles for me in the past have always surprised me, so I don't expect this one to be any different.

I've felt really... off... for the past couple of weeks.  I'm thinking it has something to do with the meds.  Either that, or I'm just crazy, which could absolutely be the case these days.  I've been very emotional.  Very weepy.  Very sad.  But also, in a way, I've been really... distant.  It's weird.  This cycle, though I'm sad, I'm not over-thinking it.  I'm not researching and googling every med that I've been or will be taking.  I'm not scouring infertility boards for information about the protocol that I'm on.  I'm just doing it.  Taking what they tell me to take all the while, truthfully, letting all of my doubt seep in.  I'm thinking a lot about next steps if this doesn't work.  I'm not sure having a positive attitude makes any difference anymore. 

Because of my wish-washy feelings toward this cycle, I just don't have much else to say... or to share... so, with that, I'll leave you with documentation of my weekend.  My husband was away in Fort Lauderdale for a bachelor party.  My husband and his friends apparently don't believe a bachelor party is appropriately nor adequately celebrated if it doesn't include a trip on a plane, a beach, golf and any other extravagant thing you can think of.  It's pretty annoying.  But, that's ok, I get back at him by shopping too much and treating myself to spa days on those weekends :)  After I thoroughly exhausted myself by swiping my credit card way too much, and getting my nails did, I enjoyed the day at the pool yesterday napping and catching up on celebrity gossip (ugh, Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Seriously?!  So not fair!).
When Nick came home, we did what we do best on Sundays and got ice cream for dinner of course!
Chocolate chip cookie dough for him and the best ever cake batter with rainbow jimmies for me.  We tried a new ice cream shop and it did not disappoint!  There were actual chunks of vanilla cake in mine.  Yum!

Sadly, our fun ice cream dinner date was cut short by the official announcement of one of our friend's pregnancy (#2) announcement.  Even though we both knew that this announcement was coming, it still was hard... for both of us.  It's always hard... no matter what.  I hate you, infertility!

Friday, June 7, 2013

I've been so SWEETLY dragged out of my blog rut!

Some really, really sweet blogger friends recently nominated me for the Super Sweet Blogging Award.  Risa, Teresa and Aislinn... thank you for dragging me out of my blog rut.  It's been bad, people... really bad (more on that later, though!).  Oh and Risa, I will surely let you know if I ever find myself in cold @ss Minnesota.  I'd love nothing else but to have a hot cup of hot cocoa with you!!

The rules of this blog award state that I must: 1.)  thank the person(s) who nominated me, 2.) answer five super sweet questions, 3.) include the Super Sweet Blogging award image in my blog post and 4.) nominate twelve other bloggers.

Super Sweet Questions:

1. Cookies or cake? 
Um, either will do!  I guess I don't have a favorite here.  How about both?  As in together.  A slice of cake with a cookie on the side.  Yes, I'll have that!

2. Chocolate or vanilla? 
That depends.  If we're talking about cake or cupcakes, I'll go with vanilla.  Vanilla all the way.  Vanilla cake with vanilla icing.  My brothers and sisters in law tease me because my favorite cakes are the grocery store sheet cakes (you, know the ones that have Elmo on them or Lightning McQueen from Cars).  In fact, my favorite thing about my niece and nephews' birthday parties for the past six years has been their cakes... there's nothing like 'em!  Mmmmm, the artificial sugary-ness of the vanilla icing?  I love it!  De-lish!  I dig in just like the kids do... icing first.  But candy?  If we're talking about candy then definitely, definitely, chocolate (M&M's anyone?!  I'll take any kind of M&M any day... pretzel, peanut, peanut butter, dark, milk... LOVE them all!)!

3. Favorite sweet treat? 
Aside from vanilla on vanilla grocery store sheet cakes and M&M's, I'd have to say my Aunt's banana pudding takes the cake.  I've been craving it big-time recently.  I thought about making it this weekend, but I'm scared that it won't come out as good...

4. When do you crave sweet things the most?  Normally, after dinner, I'll grab a couple handfuls of M&M's for dessert (yeah, I'm clearly the poster girl for healthy eating, huh?!).  But, since starting my priming cycle for CCRM, I've had to cut out coffee (I know coffee isn't considered a sweet, but I can't not mention this!) and chocolate completely.  My life is just not the same without chocolate.  The worst part, though?  Nick and I have a weekly ritual in the summer: ice-cream-for-dinner-Sundays.  You should try it.  I look forward to it all week long.  It makes the end of a weekend and the realization that Monday is only hours away much more sweet.  But, you guys... my favorite, favorite, ice cream of all time is coffee oreo.  Coffee and chocolate.  Oh my gosh, I can barely type it without drooling.  Standing in line for ice cream has been torturous.  I tried banana ice cream (knowing my love for my Aunt's banana pudding) and it was just ok.  So last week I got this:
Cake batter ice cream loaded with rainbow jimmies (read: sprinkles, for anyone not in Boston).  It was great!  But I still miss my coffee oreo weekly fix.  Oh!  And just because she's the sweetest thing on the planet, Belle came with us last week, too.  We ate our ice cream in the car because it started to rain a little bit, so Belle did what she does best and people watched (I love how you can see her little legs in the side mirror),

 5. Sweet nickname?
Aub, Aubs, Aubbie... That's about it. 

My Nominations:

Well, we'll kill three birds with one stone here and I'm going to re-nominate RisaTeresa and Aislinn for my 1, 2 and 3.

4.  Allison at The Blogivers
5.  Amanda at Genuine Greavu
6.  Erika at Something Beautiful
8.  Emily at Eat Love Procreate
10. Sally at Nothing isn't Nothing
11. Kimberly at No Good Eggs
and 12.  Gypsy Mama at Gypsy Mama's Journey

I love you all!  If nothing else, maybe this sweet blog award will help you, too, out of a potential blog rut :)

Happy Friday!
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